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To me, it feels like I am just a shell, waiting for my former self to return.
I go through the motions, barely able to perform basic functions, and feeling empty and devoid of any sentiment.
For someone who really enjoys people and is quite extroverted, I'm really saddened by the fact I can't carry a conversation or feel comfortable around anyone other than my fiancé. Its draining and frustrating to watch myself wanting to engage and being completely unable to do so. Its so hard, because I know that I'm not always like this, but I can't access the part of me that feels connected or joyful about the human experience.
If we are all energetic beings and we connect to each other at certain frequencies, my frequency is almost inaudible, and this is a very lonely place to be.
I am usually really connected to God, and go through the day seeing signs that I am on the right path, and that I am manifesting the life that I want. I'll think about something and it will appear in front of me within days, or a stranger will tell me something that I needed to hear. I'm able to journey in my mind and meditate and come up with insights and answers.
When I'm depressed, and I need spirituality the most, I hear nothing. The silence is deafening. Its like God has gone on vacation, and I'm awaiting his return.
It almost makes me angry, and I feel like Job in the Bible, alone and tormented, praying and hearing nothing. Worse, everyone blames Job for his suffering. I have people in my family that act like this is a choice, and I would never choose to live like this.
So how do I make sense of this? Well, looking for a sense of fairness does nothing to alleviate this pain. I really think this condition is just as bad as loosing a limb, having cancer, or any other major health burden. Maybe life isn't really all that fair after all. I just keep hoping that one day, all this suffering can be transmuted into something beautiful and life-giving that can help other people.
I try to be optimistic about the medical treatments I'm doing, and some days are better then others.
I've just been down this road so many times and waiting for medications or rtms to work is exhausting. I just have to believe that treating bipolar instead of depression may be a road out of this suffering, but only time will tell. It's just that stuck in this moment, its pretty hard to see progress.
But mostly, I just wait. Wait for my brain to come back online. I try to believe that God would try to reach me and comfort me if possible, but that the phone lines are down for maintenance. This is my challenge, to keep believing, even when my world looks the darkest, and the smallest. To keep yearning for more, even when I can't feel anything.
Depression actually makes me realize what a spiritual being I must be, because if I hadn't felt so full of God's grace, than the absence wouldn't be so painful.
