Running My Own Business and Mental Health...

I haven't been blogging lately, because I've been super stoked about the landscape business that I own with my partner Sean.  It's come so far since we incorporated and I've grown exponentially as well.
If you asked me two years ago what I wanted, I had a short list, a drivers license, a  truck, and a lawn mower.  At that time, I was elated to ride my bike to a clients house and make $20/hr as a gardener.

Today, I have 6 employees, 83 mansions, 18 villas, 4 cascading ponds, and hundreds of trees, shrubs and flowers to maintain.  I've done this while experiencing various degrees of depression and anxiety.
There's been ups and down, trials and triumphs and a few good laughs along the way.

I have two months to go on a 6 month contract, and it looks like in-spite of my fears and discouraging comments from my psychiatrist about work being the #1 trigger for bipolar episodes, I am only getting stronger.  Maybe that's because my bipolar is pretty mild, or maybe that doctor is out to lunch.
I think work could f*&%-up your mental health if you're in the wrong line of work and it's just draining, or if you are so manic you can't stop, but for me its just propelling me forward and helping me to become the woman I always wanted to be.

I never really thought of myself as a leader.  If I was a leader growing up, it probably started as a teenager, convincing other kids to defy their parents and be mischievous. When I was 18, I was a lifeguard and a swim instructor, and I know I helped a lot of people overcome the fear of water.  I was really competent in school and excelled at doing my own projects.  In 2010, I was awarded 3 decent contracts for the city of Nanaimo and I did have some volunteer help from various interesting characters of different ages and backgrounds.

Anyways, I have often been a lone wolf, and never considered myself to be a leader.  I got seriously into the landscape business because Sean and I had been awarded an awesome contract doing landscape maintenance, and it seemed like the next logical step.

So here I am, having had to step up and move out of my comfort zone.  I actually was clinically depressed for 3 months of the contract.  I still managed to put in at least 25-35 hours a week in the community and countless hours discussing business with Sean.  It was really hard for both of us, but I pulled through.  Honestly, going to the nurseries and doing beautiful annual beds and planters was pretty helpful at getting me through otherwise bleak days.  I had a hard time being a leader at the time, but I did work silently with my peeps, and I think I taught them a thing or two.

Finally in late June, my depression broke, and I was thrown in the driver's seat.  Sean had gotten really sick from the stress of running a new business and I needed to step up.  I had employees working, but they had terrible habits that were costing us alot of money.  I needed to look at the big picture and start reigning things in and fast.  It hasn't been easy and I've lost my sH*t on people on a few separate occasions. I'm actually glad my summer students are gone, because some of them where like little kids and untrainable.

It's been pretty sweet though, because I have alot of heart for transforming people's yards.  My slogan was "Creating Community One Yard at a Time," and I'm really living up to this mission.  We are surpassing the developer and our clients expectations.

In order to stay balanced, I've had to use all the tools I had available, and start normalizing my feelings instead of pathologizing them.  If I have anxiety for the first 2 weeks of managing a business, its not mental illness, it's human.  I just have to monitor these things more than other people.  I actually have a pretty cool app called iMOOD journal and it shows me how I'm coping with life.  My anxiety has  gone down a lot, and I did realize I need to do more self care to stay well.

My mental health isn't perfect, but I'm pretty resilient, and I'm learning alot about myself.  I'm actually  happier when I have something other than myself and my problems to deal with.  I've always been pretty smart, so having a job I find exciting and engaging is better than some of the mind numbing jobs I've had in the past.  Not only that, when I get overwhelmed, I can just get my hands in the dirt and get grounded.

This weekend, I'm taking it easy because owning a new landscape company is crazy in the summer, and down time is important.  Last week I went to a 12 step meeting and a yoga Nidra class which kept me in check.  I'm also taking my birthday week off to go on a retreat in late August.  I love my community and my business so I'll be busy training my team leaders all next week.

I never thought I'd be in this position and at times I've actually felt unworthy of being the person giving directions, and overseeing projects.  I'm starting to realize I've been slowly learning all the necessary skills to excel in my position.  I have to put aside old patterns of low self esteem and realize that I am good enough to be a leader.  Leaders are not better than any other team leaders, they simply have the ability to see the big picture and make all the pieces come together.

If anyone wants to check out my website, you can check in out at www.northernelementslandscaping.ca