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The last few weeks have been tough for be emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically.
I tend to think the worse and prophesize that there's something wrong with my mental health, but lately my "story" has changed. Pathologizing hard mood states is super unhelpful for me at this point in my journey. I need to help the child inside of me thats scared of depressive thoughts and feelings to rise above the mess. Before I ever had an episode of clinical depression, I was just a sad kid that didn't know how to deal with my feelings of isolation growing up. So the depression came along when things got to tough, and it held me underwater until my subconscious was strong enough to face life again. It's been frustrating, and I have felt so powerless watching myself go through so much pain and suffering, without any explanation other than that there was something medically wrong with me.
I went to a workshop with Maria Gomori, and it was very challenging. She saw my light and wanted me to shed the damage that labelling myself was doing. She saw the root of my suffering, and helped me see that I made certain decisions between the age of 5-15 that shaped the way I go through life's challenges. She saw that I was strong and could use my gifts to rise above what holds me back from healing. She asked me not to see myself as sick or bipolar because it's not helpful. My challenge was to stop pathologizing myself one day at a time, and in many ways I am doing this and winning the battle, sometimes one minute at a time, or one positive action or thought at a time.
Honestly, the best thing I can do for myself is accept myself and embrace what I love about myself, and learn to let go of what no longer serves me.
Healing from depression is a journey, a long penguin march through the antarctic, but it's so worthwhile to believe you can heal. I have looked to doctors, psychologists, shamans, yoga, running, art and spirituality for answers. Interestingly, it has been talking openly with other people who suffer/ have suffered with addictions and mental health issues that has helped me the most. If I can see the light in other people that suffer, and believe they have the inner resources to heal, I can heal myself.
What doesn't serve me, and never has, is thinking I'm really different from everyone else. That my suffering is unique and no one can understand me. For me, labelling myself with "depression," or "bipolar" isn't really that helpful, it just a set of explanations made by a set of people. It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me and that's not true. I am and have always been myself, and God made me perfectly imperfect. It's ok to be sensitive and it's ok to struggle. It's not ok to keep re injuring myself with fear and self condemnation for being different.
Usually there are triggers for my unhealthy states, and fear plays a huge role for me. If I think I can't handle a challenging situation or a major life change, my "depression" wants to take me down an all to familiar road, that gets me really stuck. When I tell myself I want to heal and will weather my internal and external storms with self compassion and my higher power at my side, I tend to make it safely back to shore.
At this moment, I'm feeling physically sick from being emotionally overwhelmed, but I'm done telling myself I can't handle this situation. I can and I will. I will give myself the grace to stop analyzing my thoughts and emotions and judging myself as being not ok. Instead of deciding there's something wrong with my mental health, I will focus on getting some rest and processing some tough revelations when I'm not so tired. I reached out to all of you, because that's another part of healing, sharing my experience, strength and hope in case it helps someone else who is struggling with similar issues. Together, I think we can support one another in the belief that we can all heal our inner landscapes and find the inner peace we deserve and work so hard towards.
Goodnight, and many blessings to everyone,
xoxoxoxo Jeanne
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| Me and the Grandmother of Family Therapy |
