Patience

I've been working on recovery from depression and addictions for 8 years.  It was obvious to me that alcohol was a depressant, and that drinking was a no win situation, so I quit, it was easy, because I have a strong will to be well and live a good life.

I only quit drinking because I wanted to get a handle on my depression, which has been way harder than quitting drinking.  I have been able to put together months of feeling well. Once, 2 years.
 Still, this depression persists for as much as 1/4 of my life.

It makes me sad, because I've done so much to fight for my life and grow as a human being, and yet when I'm down, it's so hard to see that maybe one day all the pieces will click.

Having adhd doesn't really help either.  Its easy for me to forget entire pieces of my recovery program until I start to slide.  Also, I'm pretty sure the constant state of excitement at the start of things is hard on my brain.  Almost like I have to much neutral activity, so its only a matter of time before I shut down.

As I sit here, missing myself, wanting to analyze this situation, but knowing my brain basically isn't functioning well enough to figure out anything.  A depressed brain can't be objective.  I can almost sense that part of my brain is functioning very minimally.  That this is a physical issue.

I'm just trying to accept that once again, in my wanting to be ok, like everyone else, I ignored the signs I needed to back off from the drama of my life, and take better care of myself, to accept that I have to do less work and do more recovery to stay functional.

I've made it back to shore when depression strikes tons of times, but unfortunately this hasn't been one of them. I can see some of the situations that started my erosion, but I don't know what more I could have done to change things.

I know I did my best up until this depression struck, and there's not a whole lot more I could have done.  I've finally gotten to a place of acceptance, that I don't have control over this illness yet, and that I don't need to be so upset about it, so dramatic about how sad and unfair it is.
I do sometimes feel that it's sad and unfair, but mostly I find a way to accept that sometimes my life is colourless, emotionless, and empty.  Other times its vibrant, meaningful and full of connection.

So today, for another 8 hrs, I just need to accept the cards I've been dealt, and do small things to keep myself moving forward.

Frustration and Adult ADHD

During my last depression, I reached out to a new psychologist, because inspite of my best efforts I was back down the rabbit hole.  I told her about my history, how I was apparently "bipolar 2" and how I wasn't getting better.  She paused and said, I worry about people like you, who've tried everything, and are slipping through the cracks.  There's something missing from this picture, that hasn't been picked up on yet."

I sat in her office, and it wasn't interpersonal therapy.  She actually asked me 100-200 questions to screen me for more than "depression" or "bipolar" which were the easiest and trendiest conclusions for her peers to jump to in 45 minutes.  I left with an answer and a glimmer of hope.  I had adult attention deficit (hyperactive) disorder.  I am still amazed and so grateful that even though most of my symptoms were masked by depression, she still extracted the truth.

I started doing her DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy) class, and after a few months, and medication changes, snapped out of my low grade mood.

She than gave me another insight which I have alluded to in this blog.  Perhaps my depression wasn't simply a "chemical" imbalance, or an unlucky spin on the genetic wheel of fortune.

It was the result of trauma, of being bullied as a child for 6+ years, and not processing the information correctly.  I decided that I was weird, not really accepted by the tribe, an outsider. She told me "sadness" that never gets resolved results in recurrent depression.  This may not be the whole story, but at least there's a narrative of how I came to suffer and therefore a pathway out of my suffering.

Anyways, my point is that getting a psychologist to actually confirm what I knew deep down has been a lifesaver, but I'm still trying to navigate my mental health situation.

I can really relate to the theory that people with ADHD suffer with low dopamine levels.  Dopamine is the brain chemical that spikes when we do something rewarding or exciting.  Its necessary to have enough dopamine in the brain to stay focused on every day activities for long enough to complete them because we know there is satisfaction in having a clean house, getting an assignment done etc. With ADHD, my brain is starving for dopamine, so I jump from task to task, thought to thought, seeking that satisfaction.  I do well in situations that I enjoy, like bringing together a landscape project, because I'm getting the dopamine I need.  I also enjoy being silly and talking about ideas with people because it feeds my brain.

I tried stimulants, and they were awesome, I actually understood what it feels like to be content
with staying on task and getting projects done.  I also found my mind didn't jump from topic to topic and I was less prone to depressive rumination.  Because I'm taking 2 antidepressants, the first stimulant I tried stopped being helpful once I went back to work.  The extra nor-adredrenalin pushed me towards pathological anxiety and the inability to get grounded and comfortable in my own skin.

I've been wanting to be ok without stimulants, but as I write this I can really see how the ADHD goes hand in hand with my depression, because it affects my self esteem not being able to do things that other people take for granted.  Its hard having an unfocused mind, that needs constant re directing and its exhausting.

This whole journey of self discovery definitely has its highs and lows.  I quit writing for awhile because I was just so glad to feel normal.  Now I'm in bit of a rut and I think its been brought on by feelings of inadequacy about my ADHD.  I want to get this thing right, either accept how hard it is to live with this or change my antidepressants to a medication that helps regulate dopamine. All I know is that feeling better and getting my recovery on track takes time, and it probably involves periods of feeling shitty when I look ahead and all I see is an upward climb.  Being ok with where I'm at and taking on step at a time is all I can do right now.

Why So Sad?

For me depression is deeply rooted in my subconscious and the wiring of my brain.  Its painful because as soon as I start thinking I've got a handle on the situation and I'm feeling better, I want to take on the world and forgo some of my self care rituals, forgetting how real the struggle is for me, and that managing this illness requires, diligence, patience and self awareness.

Days like today I just feel little haywire mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  Not clinically depressed, just off.  It's like I've forgotten to keep the guards posted at the door that keep the gremlins at bay, and now they're running loose inside my head.  They're pretty small but they cast long shadows.  The trick for me at this point is not to activate the fight or flight response, because those yucky chemicals that is releases just make things wo
rse.  I need to remember, whatever they're saying to me is BS, a sick part of my brain that doesn't need to be given anymore attention than it deserves.

Self analysis, without an outlet like writing doesn't help to much either.  When I'm in a fragile, scared position, and I mentally feel like shit, my ability to see the whole picture is really compromised. Like the people in Plato's "Allegory of the Cave,"I just see the shadows of things, and my point of view is compromised by my mood.

Work has taken it's toll on me.  Before going back to work as a landscape company owner, I was surrounded by light and love, doing a yoga leadership course.  I wasn't trying to be a yoga teacher, but I really liked what I saw in the course leaders Jess and Sara.

I was doing yoga daily, and feeling pretty ok with my inner and outer landscape.  SHit has been getting real lately, and the pressure has been rising quickly.  I'm doing ok, but there are some cracks in my foundation.  The interpersonal stressors at work and at home from running a successful business with my partner are triggers for stress, which not handled properly can cause the return of depressive symptoms for me.

The truth is, the triggers that set off the bad wiring and depressive tendencies  in my brain are probably just unhealed sadnesses from the past.  Little Jeanne was sad an awful lot.  Yes there were magical childhood moments filled with light and love which have sustained me throughout adult life, but there were also alot of sad, uncomforted, lonely and isolated tears shed in my formative years.

We are social beings and not feeling welcomed and loved by your tribe in grade school can cause deep psychic wounds in a person that they may unconsciously carry into adult life.   I bought into the lie that there was something fundamentally wrong with me starting at 5 years old.  All this unprocessed, unacknowledged pain and the thoughts, feelings and sensations that went along for the ride, need to be brought into the sunshine, honoured and healed.