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I only quit drinking because I wanted to get a handle on my depression, which has been way harder than quitting drinking. I have been able to put together months of feeling well. Once, 2 years.
Still, this depression persists for as much as 1/4 of my life.
Still, this depression persists for as much as 1/4 of my life.
It makes me sad, because I've done so much to fight for my life and grow as a human being, and yet when I'm down, it's so hard to see that maybe one day all the pieces will click.
Having adhd doesn't really help either. Its easy for me to forget entire pieces of my recovery program until I start to slide. Also, I'm pretty sure the constant state of excitement at the start of things is hard on my brain. Almost like I have to much neutral activity, so its only a matter of time before I shut down.
As I sit here, missing myself, wanting to analyze this situation, but knowing my brain basically isn't functioning well enough to figure out anything. A depressed brain can't be objective. I can almost sense that part of my brain is functioning very minimally. That this is a physical issue.
I'm just trying to accept that once again, in my wanting to be ok, like everyone else, I ignored the signs I needed to back off from the drama of my life, and take better care of myself, to accept that I have to do less work and do more recovery to stay functional.
I've made it back to shore when depression strikes tons of times, but unfortunately this hasn't been one of them. I can see some of the situations that started my erosion, but I don't know what more I could have done to change things.
I know I did my best up until this depression struck, and there's not a whole lot more I could have done. I've finally gotten to a place of acceptance, that I don't have control over this illness yet, and that I don't need to be so upset about it, so dramatic about how sad and unfair it is.
I do sometimes feel that it's sad and unfair, but mostly I find a way to accept that sometimes my life is colourless, emotionless, and empty. Other times its vibrant, meaningful and full of connection.
So today, for another 8 hrs, I just need to accept the cards I've been dealt, and do small things to keep myself moving forward.
I'm just trying to accept that once again, in my wanting to be ok, like everyone else, I ignored the signs I needed to back off from the drama of my life, and take better care of myself, to accept that I have to do less work and do more recovery to stay functional.
I've made it back to shore when depression strikes tons of times, but unfortunately this hasn't been one of them. I can see some of the situations that started my erosion, but I don't know what more I could have done to change things.
I know I did my best up until this depression struck, and there's not a whole lot more I could have done. I've finally gotten to a place of acceptance, that I don't have control over this illness yet, and that I don't need to be so upset about it, so dramatic about how sad and unfair it is.
I do sometimes feel that it's sad and unfair, but mostly I find a way to accept that sometimes my life is colourless, emotionless, and empty. Other times its vibrant, meaningful and full of connection.
So today, for another 8 hrs, I just need to accept the cards I've been dealt, and do small things to keep myself moving forward.
