Whatever it Takes: Ketamine for Depression

For the last 4 days I have been in Denver, Colorado, dealing with an important medical issue.  I had a relapse of depression, brought on by the stressors I spoke of in previous entries.  The last straw was when I stopped taking Vyvanse, a trendy new stimulant for ADHD, and I was left spiralling into an endless pit of fear, despair, and hopelessness.

It was a crippling blow from depression.  All my hard work and insight overshadowed by a chemical imbalance, my brain going haywire, and reverting to deeply engrained unhealthy patterns. Once this happens, depression becomes much more than my shadow or negative beliefs, it actually becomes a medical issue.  I wake up with no spark, and a sense of dread.  Each episode feels heavier as if this cloak of stagnation has grown stronger through subsequent episodes.  I felt powerless, alone and afraid.

 I needed medical help, so I checked myself into the hospital.  Realizing they had nothing for me but uncomfortable hospital beds and an increase in prozac, I checked myself out.  I waited in the ER for 2 days, and stayed in the psych unit for 2 days.  I cannot fucking believe they leave patients in the ER for 2-3 days in Canada, seems abit cruel.

As my roommate Carol drove me home I was pretty sad, because there was nothing medically that could prevent me from having another 3 month bout of depression that the hospital could offer.
I asked the psychiatrist at the hospital about ketamine, and he earnestly  replied "why would we give you something potentially toxic when we have so many great drugs at our disposal?"  I was so discouraged, because antidepressants have not been super successful for me and the onset of action is 4-6 weeks minimum and I've tried almost all the classes of medications.

When I got home I was pretty despondent, but I said fuck it, I'm going to do ketamine infusions in the US for treatment resistant depression.  There are treatment centres in almost every large US city, because ketamine has a 75% success rate at treating depression in a matter of hours to a couple of days.  Its a powerful tool that got me out of the depths of despair, and gave me a higher perspective on my situation.  It was somewhat spiritual in nature, and frightening and magical at the same time.

 I have 10 years of sobriety from drugs and alcohol, and I didn't love it when I realized ketamine was a powerful narcotic.  I realize that some people in recovery community may think I'm a hypocrite for taking this treatment.  The founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, Bill Wilson did LSD to deal with his treatment resistant depression.  I can't deny I got a certain high off ketamine infusions, but that was a side effect of a powerful medicine that may save lives.  I will write more about the actual trips and self realizations I had in the posts to follow.

I want to end my saying a sincere thank you to everyone who reads my blog.  I was to deeply honoured to see that my blog has 4255 page hits since its inception.  Thank you all for reading and relating to my online journal, my thoughts and perceptions on the human condition as I have experienced thus far.  I don't know how or when I might write a book, but this blog will serve as the unedited manuscripts for whatever I create.