The Art Of Surrender

After 10 years of recovery, I can often forget what it means to "surrender my life and will" over to the care of my higher power.  It made sense when I first quit drinking and doing drugs.  My life was a nightmare, I lived in a creepy basement suite with rainbow coloured walls and guinea pig droppings in the spare room.  My drinking was insane, and I was no longer able to sweep it under the rug, windows where getting smashed, I was getting punched in the face,  fighting with the police and generally being a nuisance to myself, my family and society. 

Luckily for me, at 24 I landed in rehab, and was brainwashed into clean living.  I don't regret changing that aspect of my life for one moment.  I don't miss drugs or alcohol or the chaos that insued.  My life, my goals and my mental health aren't worth playing with, because I don't want to lose and that lifestyle could kill me.  

Today the word surrender is more vital than ever.  As a human being and a recovering alcoholic, there are so many things in life I find challenging.  I want things to go my way, and I struggle when theres conflict and challenge.  As long as I struggle to accept my current reality life is painful.

When I don't like the way people are acting, and take it personally, I hurt.  When my bank account balance is low, and I don't have winter work lined up, I panic.  When I wonder I'll ever love being single, my heart hurts. When I hate the fact that in spite of 10 years of counselling I  still have alot of negative self talk, and a hard time controlling my moodiness,  I feel powerless.

So much low vibe garbage, that is not serving me or my loved ones.

In order to have a good day, I have to let go of the past, and believe I made the best decisions I could with what I knew at the time.  I have to forgive myself for being imperfect.

I need to look at each problem and decide what I can do about it, and let go of the outcome.  

Here's some classic recovery jargon that makes sense:

"Faith without works is dead" 

"Magic is good for fairies and Elves, but God helps those that help themselves."

ADHD doesn't resolve itself over night.  Neither does depression, low self esteem or negative core beliefs.  Sadly, these mental issues can seem harder for me when I'm the process of growth and change.  I'm not always great at being my own cheerleader, I'm pretty aggressive and ruthless with myself at times.

All I know is that God is greater than whatever challenges I am  facing, and I need to stop trying to wrestle my problems into submission, because its exhausting and counter productive.  When I face my problems head on, do something productive about them and surrender the outcome I am set free from the bondage of self.  When I accept that I can't change my mistakes from the past and I have to start everyday from where I'm at without harsh judgement, I have a chance to be happy.

All I want in this life is to find inner peace and a big part of that is surrendering to the present and focusing on what is working in my life.  Once I find that positive momentum, the problems no longer seem so insurmountable, because I've let go of needing to control outcomes, and usually what God or the Universe has in store for me is much better than what I would have come up with on my own.