Feeling Stuck

I always wanted to write a happy ending to my story. I just haven't found mine yet.  Im so upset that everything I've done so far hasn't given me any respite from recurrent episodes of depression.

I worked hard all summer landscaping and than got snow removal contracts to make my business viable all year round. Since second guessing my ability to provide for myself was one of the major themes that was bothering me I thought that overcoming this milestone would finally create a path of clear sailing. I felt minor symptoms of depression but I was happy that I was still working and still moving forward. I didn't find balance at that time and was using nicotine and redouble to help me cope with stress.

All the stress of worrying about winter work and second guessing my ability to run a bobcat and get up early to fulfill the contracts started getting to me.  I got through the first snow day pretty easily but I was miserable, proving to myself that I could succeed couldn't turn back the fact that my brain had shut down to feeling and connection and I was once again just surviving.  I started losing control of my thinking and emotions.  The world started closing in on me again. 

My whole life has become a response to depression.  I haven't been able to get out of bed lately until 1:30. By the time I get going, I know depression has won and I feel so powerless and defeated.

I maybe get 2 positive activities done in a day.  I'll go work out and do some art.  I hardly speak to anyone because I can't get out of this grey mindset and hold a conversation.

I want to do better.  I don't want to hide and let this monster win.  I want to believe that this is just a minor setback.  I just can't tell because it always feels awful.  Its stolen years of my life and when it comes around I just want to disappear.  I'm ashamed of myself for dealing with the same struggle over and over again.  I don't want to hear that its going to get better or its going to be ok, I want it to be ok right now. I don't like not knowing how long this is going to last.  I don't like just surviving, its not a life, it feels like a horrible punishment.

So right now I'm letting myself grieve for the loss of control I'm experiencing.  I have given everything and still ended up stuck.  I can only hope that creating a framework for a better life will eventually pay off and I'll feel that sense of accomplishment once this passes.  I have to live for the moments that remind me my spirit is still there even if it feels tiny.