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Nicotine makes me physically and mentally ill. Crippling anxiety, lack of energy, terrible gut pains, constant shakiness, should be enough to get me to cut vaping and the nicotine gum off immediately.
But I keep using and suffering, day in and day out, one bad decision after the other.
It might be ok, if I didn't have such an adverse reaction to what many consider a pretty benign addiction. Unfortunately, anxiety is a side effect and I've got it through the roof.
I'm like Howard Hughes, the Aviator, fucking terrified of germs.
High on nicotine and stress, I periodically think I'm this disgusting, vile, germs monster and there's not enough hand sanitizer to protect the public against me. Sounds ridiculous right?
I'm fully aware I've crossed a line, there's some wires in my brain that have gone haywire.
Having only suffered with depression and ADHD in my adult life, I didn't understand or empathize with people suffering with clinical anxiety. I totally get it, Im afraid to have a shower, what if I don't get clean enough? I don't want to go grocery shopping, the idea that I'm contaminating everything overwhelms my amygdala. I feel crippled by something I rarely gave a second thought too....this invisible threat has always existed but I used to be at peace with it....and I would give anything to get over this obsession.
So what am I going to do?
I'm pretty much at rock bottom....
Time to go cold turkey....
Nicotine free vaping only...
Cut the gum back to zero pieces a day ASAP.
I'm strong enough, it's bad enough and I'm worth it...
This is my one and only precious life and this drug is killing my spirit and my resilience.
Sure a couple of cigarettes used to ease my nerves, but those days are long gone.
I can't control nicotine, it controls me and for that reason I gotta be done, once and for all.
Please say a prayer for me....I'm not out of the woods yet.
