Mildly Hypomanic? Say What?

It's 2 am, and I'm wide awake. So to, is the cat.  He's a bit racy and vocal.  I'm not going to label him bipolar.. He's just nocturnal.

Actually, I'd rather not label myself as bipolar, but I am experiencing bipolar symptoms.  Buddhists say to be careful with "I Am" because its powerful and it manifests itself accordingly.

 I'm kind of annoyed right now, I have an early morning, and yet here I am typing away.  My mind isn't racing, but my blood is crossing through my veins bit quickly.  Even though I'm tired, I could probably run 3 k.

This is all so hard to make sense of, even medically.  I added a mood-stabilizer, thats supposed to address this issue.

To be honest, I'm glad I'm not depressed, because that was terrible.

I can't afford to stay like this either.  "Mania is the fire, and depression the ashes." I can't afford to become ashes, it's to dangerous and painful.

When I get out of my slumps, I have a pretty clear idea of what I need to work on next, in terms of self growth. I have a theory that depression and bipolar are caused by childhood and adolescent experiences, that set the stage for further problems down the line.  Patterns of behaviour are established, that literally change neuro-pathways, and cause us to continue to react to our emotions in unhealthy ways.  As a child who was extremely emotionally suppressed due to parents that where probably passing down what they had learned, its not entirely surprising.  I will definitely go more into detail on this theory in further blog posts, and possibly write a book called "The Repressed Child, A Tale of Mental Illness and Addiction."

Anyways, I need to find ways to calm my nerves, and relax for whats left of tonight.  I plan to read for awhile, and repeat positive mantras while I breathe deeply.  Sadly, I'm not great at "nurturing" myself, " I'm better at worrying about what symptoms I have according to the DSM 5, and torturing myself accordingly.

This isn't my fault, but you better believe that slowly, I'm going to do everything in my powers, to rewire these highs and lows.  I deserve a good life, and so does anyone who is willing to take an honest look at themselves in the mirror, and work towards healing.

The Penguin Asks..Have I Reached the Open Ocean? Is this Depression Really Breaking?

Getting some relief from the soul crushing weight of depression is much like the creatures in Plato's "Allegory of the Cave," must have felt when after years of living underground and interpreting life in the shadows the cave are freed to see the sun.

The hope is so bright, but so is the fear of being dragged back into the cave.
The sun is so bright, and misguided doctors one sided view that this can only be hypomania only further complicate matters.

The truth is, in this moment as I write this, I am free.  I don't know how I earned my freedom.  Was it just a matter of time before my brain chemistry righted itself? Did I face certain truths about my lfe? Was it a change in medication? And is this sustainable?

I'm still very unstable.  While 3 days ago, I did add another mood stabilizer (Trileptal) to my magic/deadly combination of meds, I can't completely trust this was it.  I also took prozac for 4 days, because thats what I had, and boy was I desperate for a catalyst.  Now I'm out and my greatest fear is that I need it to keep this up, and my doctor won't go for it.

Anyways, what am I supposed to do with my tentative freedom?   I still feel like the shackles of mental illness are upon me, and can drag me back into the cave.  How to I break free? My freedom is fragile and precarious at this time.

In the light, I remember some of my spiritual tricks, and I hope they serve me well, I don't want to go backwards, its to painful.

First of all,  I am a deeply fearful person, and this is my greatest obstacle. In AA, they say the opposite of dear is faith, and to turn your fear over to God.  This is very real, I have seen it work in my life.  Seemingly unsurmountable mental blocks lifted and a pathway forward revealed.

Its clear to me I don't know what's going on medically and whether I need prozac.  Just for today (partially because I have no choice, its holiday) I need to trust I'll be ok with out it, that the fire is lit, and I will do everything I can to keep it burning.

I did a journey (meditation) to my spiritual helpers and this is the guidance I got:

1) Enjoy this energy, don't criticize yourself or call it "hypomania", just monitor yourself.

2) Have faith that the catalyst has worked, your energy won't stop flowing through you.

3) Reach out to someone more spiritually evolved, get another perspective.

4) Turn all your analysis of the situation over to God (the universe)  Let it go!

5) Share your crazy bipolar journey with the world.  The only upside to this illness is making others realize suffering is a universal part of the human experience and that they are not alone.

The truth is I have no idea what went right, I just need to trust that I deserve this, I've been through hell.
I need to believe that after my long Penguin march through the inhospitable Antarctic, I have reached the sea, and this is no mirage.

Note: To anyone who is severely depressed, do not lose hope.  I don't think these revelations happen overnight, and it's been matter of leaving no rock unturned and telling myself something is going to eventually work out.  In these 3 months, only a tiny part of me believed this to be true.

 If today, you're not let out of the cave, no not fear or blame yourself, the lack of communication in your brain is very real, and you are not to blame.  In your tortured mind, just take one step forward towards your healing.  Even if 96% of you believes it is in vain, know what you only need to believe in recovery with an honest 4%.  The universe will support you. Remember, it's normal to feel excruciating pain when 96% of your psyche is in darkness.