Optimism in the Face of Mental Illness

I try to be optimistic about my recovery from mental illness.  That's easy on good days, I think its clear sailing, and I feel like I have some mastery over my inner landscape.  I take pride in doing what I need to do to take care of myself and deal with the daily nuances of my mind and guide myself in the right direction.

Recovery is a lifelong journey, and there are days when I'm actually scared for my life and everything I've fought so hard for, because I still have alot of vulnerability to clinical depression.  Days like today I'm acutely aware that I don't have full control over scary thoughts and feelings that have in the past spiralled to the point of changing my brain chemistry leaving me lost and alone, disconnected from my soul, my life force and other people.  Just writing this makes me want to cry, because I don't think that anyone should ever have to feel this way.  I don't know why some of us are so delicately wired and have to overcome patterns in our brains that are so detrimental.

Yesterday, I was with a friend and I started feeling disconnected in a scary way so I curled up on his couch and started crying.  I reached a point of deep compassion for myself, I realized how overwhelmed I was with all the pressures I put on myself, trying to figure out my career, dealing with adhd thats makes focus so hard, and being confused about relationships.  I grieved that lack of control and held my wounded, disappointed heart.  I realized in that moment, I'd done everything I could and being mad at myself for letting myself get to this state wasn't going to help.  I connected to that inner love for myself, I'm only human, I didn't ask for this burden.  I didn't ask to have to reach such scary places dealing with everyday challenges.

I guess at the end of the day, everything I achieve means that much more, because I fight like hell to do what other people take to granted.  Years of therapy, trying to understand my triggers, taking more and more responsibility for my choices, learning to relate to my mind in a different way, and still sitting here crying because living well with mental illness is the hardest thing I will ever have to do.

I'm a perfectionist, and having hard days can feel like a failure.  I'm never going to be perfect.  I will struggle with a mind that is  distracted and scares easily.  In times like these I need to remember I've found peace in this life through yoga, meditation, connection and recovery.  I'm not alone.

All my problems need to be surrendered at a certain point.  Yes, these low points are signs I may need to change something in my life, maybe a perception, maybe a behaviour, but I'm not going to figure it all out at once, and fix my life overnight. I've done my humanly best and I accept my suffering, that I'm not a loser because I am feeling somewhat powerless.  Accepting where I am and committing to small changes can be empowering, reminding me I do have some control over my life, and I'm stronger than the dark feelings that haunt me from time to time.

I think having deep compassion for myself, realizing how stressful its been being un employed and making art, and putting pressure on myself to be positive even though I'm not making any money has been tough.  Realizing if I want to have a landscape business again, its alot of work and I need faith in myself that I can make it work, I need to surrender my fears, because they are keeping me sick.

Believing that I can make something  meaningful out of my life helps. Goals of advancing my art practice,  getting ready for markets and believing that I can either have my own landscape company or work for someone else keep my moving forward.  Closing my eyes and remembering the joy I've experienced having felt mastery and visualizing getting there again feels amazing.

I am responsible for making the most of the cards I've been dealt.   I'm not a victim, just a person that has another layer of frustration and challenge to learn to accept and overcome. I only have one life, and I believe that the power of my soul, my connection to my higher power and the beauty of my vision of myself healthy, happy, and contributing to society will pull me through.