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So rejection....not a great feeling right? Especially for those of us that are emotionally sensitive, have been bullied and on some level question our self worth. As I'm writing this I'm exploring the murky emotional waters that rejection has created in my mental landscape. It doesn't feel good, I feel sad, alone, tired and vulnerable to depression. Lucky for me I'm an optimist and I have faith that this too shall pass it I play my cards right.
I hope the people that hurt me don't read this, because its really none of their business how I feel. They didn't care when they hurt me to know who I really am and where cold and inconsiderate when I needed love the most.
Thats the hard part about all of this, I put my trust and love into people that where unable to reciprocate and I took it personally. The rejection I'm talking about has been from the men in my life.
It started with my father, he rarely took the time to care about my emotional needs or give me the validation I needed growing up. Sadly, even today he's short with me on the phone and he's not able to be there for me in crisis situations. I love my Dad, and I accept this is just life on life's terms.
So I come by the habit of choosing emotionally unavailable men and bad boys honestly, its what I grew up with, its my comfort zone. If my own father didn't know how to be there for me, why would anyone else?
Lately I've had a string of destructive relationships with men, and I've repeated my parents mistakes in my own first marriage. It breaks my heart that I could love someone so much and put my heart and soul into a relationship and never get my emotional needs met. I had to walk away from an otherwise amazing human being, because I didn't want to stay in a relationship that wouldn't allow me to grow.
Being single for the last few months, I haven't done much better with men, and my poor choices resulted in me breaking down in tears last night. I tried to reconnect with a hot bad ass from my rave days and he was really nasty to me, and because I was at my breaking point I did not handle the perceived rejection well at all. It was a huge wake up call, no one is gonna make me happy but me, and that at the end of the day, in-spite of being surrounded by great people I am alone with only my higher power for large portions of my journey and its tough changing 34 years of mental habits! Jesus did 40 nights in the desert with the devil, and I think I've outdone his record!
Anyways the point is we attract what we think we deserve and its pretty fucking sad that as I overcome depression and a failed marriage, I think I deserve to be treated like shit by men. It's pretty harsh that I even expose myself to people that are potentially toxic to me when I'm trying to heal.
At the end of the day, I actually have alot of compassion for all the bad boys and emotionally fucked up men, and I really hope I can respect them and we can eventually get along.
But its time to get real, the person I really need to be best friends with right now is myself and if I know I'm just getting my feet back under me after dealing with heartache and depression, the last think I need is to allow people to kick me when I'm down.
****I want to say a sincere thank you to all the stand up men I've dated and been friends with that treated me well. It sad to say but I have lost out in love because I didn't always treat the nice guys with the respect they deserved, and I'm the one who lost out in the end. Some of the amazing men I've dated are now happily married to great women and they deserve the best life has to offer.
I remember those good relationships with fondness and they serve as reminders I can have great relationships in the future.
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