Keepin' On

Well, the last 45 days, I've been at war with myself.  Hating depression, dreading waking up feeling empty, alone, even around people, and disconnected.

It all started with fear.  Having left my ex, I lost my financial security.   I was envious and down on myself when I went back to work with my beat up truck, and trailer, seeing that my ex had employees, a new truck, and tons of equipment.  I lost my gratitude for what I had and started thinking I could only be happy if I could be that successful again.

I also got down on myself about men.  I took a couple of bad experiences to mean that I wasn't worthy of being loved.  I put my sense of self worth in the hands of someone (I for some reason respected's) reactions to me.  I realized that was wrong but struggled to regain my footing in my new reality as a single woman.

I judged myself harshly, I compared myself to other people that don't struggle with depression and ADHD.  Instead of taking pride in my small successes, I just compared myself to bigger landscape construction companies, like I used to be part of.  Not really fair, I had given all of that up, to find myself.

Up until 45 days ago, I still felt like myself.  The struggle was still fair, Jeanne was still in the game.  I called friends, the distress centre, whatever I could to ward off the storms I saw in the distance.
I reminded myself that mental illness was triggered by stress and that I was going to be ok, I was doing the best I could.

But I felt unstable, the future was a big wide open canvas, and I was responsible for recreating my life, bigger and better than before.  I no longer had a more experienced human as my guide.  My ex was my rock in alot of ways.  He could get up everyday at 7 and face the world.  He took charge of situations and the company.  His sense of self was secure.  I took comfort in his strength, and leaned on him more than I knew.

Last Sept I knew I had to leave.  There was just no room for my opinions or ideas in the company.  I was belittled and bullied for not taking his side.   He wasn't completely wrong but the issues where nuanced and I wanted to be respected for my point of view.  One night in a deep depression, I remember talking about our foreman's disloyalty and standing up for some aspects of their conduct.  We were in our bedroom and I was getting yelled at, called a traitor, told I was supporting all of their insubordination, and I realized that I couldn't take it anymore.
My parents used to rage at each other in their room, and it just isn't really what I wanted in my life.

I don't know if we should have tried harder to fix the relationship, but I told him that if he wasn't going to own up to his behaviour without blaming me counselling was a waste of time.  So it just fell apart.  He moved out, took the company, convincing me in my depression and low self esteem I didn't deserve half of that asset, and he gave my mom's trust fund the title to the house, because it was already basically my asset.

My depression lifted a couple of weeks after the separation.  I started seeing number combinations everywhere, 1111, 333, 555... and  rainbow halos, which seemed like signs from my mom and the angels that I was on the right track.  An older lady moved in who had been through a horrible domestic situation, and she mothered me and helped me take care of the house.

I did have one depressive break down, that lasted a month mid January.  I was freaked out about spending my savings, and being an "artist" that didn't know how to put down roots.  I still haven't figured that out and its pretty unsettling.  That and the fact the guy I liked had zero interest in commitment, threw me back into a rut.  I magically got out of it within hours of doing ketamine in the US and I thought I had found my solution to this disorder that has plagued me most of my adult life.

Things went ok for 3 months, but the lingering doubts where still there in May.
I remember just feeling the depression gaining intensity and doing my best to let the waves roll over me, realizing that I was going through alot of change and that things where going well, with art markets, interest in my landscaping etc.  Then on mothers day, I lost the upper hand with the depression.  My mom had passed away four years ago and there was a memorial brunch set up by the Nature Conservancy of Canada, in her honour.  It was actually kind of a slap in the face because it felt like they were just sucking up to my family for selling the quarter section  of unbroken prairie she had donated to be conserved for cash, without even offering to sell it to the family in spite of our interest.  I remember being freaked out, that all consuming disconnection, emptiness and meaningless feeling was once again infiltrating every cell of my body.  Some primordial shut down was occurring, and I screamed inside for it to be reversed, that I'd rather feel any pain than lose myself to depression again.

The next day, I tried to tell myself everything was going to be ok.  I went snowboarding and painted some street art on an abandoned building.  I was definitely missing the guy I used to snowboard with that also loved street art.  I was missing my mom.  The depression had set in.  I tried to reassure myself, focus on doing snowboard tricks, telling myself I was going to be ok, but it was to late, the depression had once again over ridden my system and shut down huge aspects of my being.

For the last 45 days, I haven't gotten any relief.  I spend a small fortune in Denver on ketamine, but the depression just laughed at me for thinking a strong disassociative drug was going to release its grasp on me.  I came home feeling almost suicidal, because my depression is so treatment resistant.

I buried my disappointment and focused on work and just doing whatever it took to get through the day.  I'm still in that place, just existing, feeling bewildered by my powerlessness once depression gets a hold of me.

I guess its comforting knowing that there are reasons that this system was triggered again.  It doesn't really make it easy to reverse what has happened, but at least it kind of makes sense.  My hope is that the better I get to know myself, and the more I realize that everything is usually ok in the end, the less I'll be impacted my external situations and I'll have more trust in myself in how to handle different challenges.

Everytime I come through depression, I feel like I have been reborn.  I can't wait to see myself reclaim my power and own my independence, once this cloud finally lifts.  Until then, all I can do is try not to identify with it so completely.  Yes it's all consuming, but its not me.  Its a fucking weird malfunction I experience from stress.  With the help of time, medication, etc, it does pass.

Painted on the day I was fighting to stave off a depressive relapse and lost....the light in her soul has turned off temporarily... 

Depression is a mysterious condition....

There's nothing strait forward about depression.  Im stuck in a body with a brain that isn't working well and using that same system to try to make sense of what is going on.

All day long I feel a deep sense of detachment and isolation.  I'm just going through the motions, I know I'm supposed to shower, eat breakfast, go to work. Mindlessly I mow lawns, fix flower beds, do whatever I agreed to do.  I have enough fight in me to keep moving.  Somehow I move 6 yards of mulch with my shovel and wheel barrel.  I tell myself exercise is good for depression. I know that occupying my time is better than mourning the loss of my self.

I want to take action, do something, take some steps towards progress. I try to tell myself maybe changing my medications for the 20th time might do the trick, maybe that shiver I felt down my back means my neurotransmitters are working?  Maybe not eating gluten is going to to the trick? Yoga? Meditation? counsellor?

None of these things seem to make any difference, I've tried them all before, but the hope that comes from taking some small action keeps me moving through the day.  Today I told myself getting a massage would bring me some relief, so I pushed through....I didn't really get alot of relief but the idea that I'm trying is something for my mind to hold onto.

Tommorow, I'll get up and possibly feel the same bleakness but call the neighbour and work on adding some flagstone to her yard and adding some shrubs.  One hard task after the other, digging clay, moving rock, planting shrubs and trees....I just keep moving.

I don't really know what else to do....once I'm having a full episode of depression, all of the self realizations and tools seem to have very little impact.  I feel like my brain is getting some upgrades done and the whole system is at a stand still until its ready to reboot.

There's been times when medical interventions have sped up the reboot process, but it seems like everything only works once.  I've tried different treatments and had initial success and than tried the same thing for a subsequent episode and gotten no results.

All I know is this is fucking crazy.  I am stuck feeling disconnected, numb, uninspired with a constant tape running through my head that I'm depressed.  I hear that I'm supposed to be social to help my condition, but I've had so many painful experiences just sitting at a restaurant staring into space, knowing that Jeanne isn't really there and the other person has to sit there silently with depressed me or try to engage me in conversation to only get one word answers.  I keep hoping all of a sudden the healthy me will spring forth and save the day, but she is no where to be found.

I don't hate myself, I'm not super self critical, but I know that there's something wrong all day.  I can try to ignore it and focus on doing the next right thing, but that sense of loss is pretty real.
My whole system has been hijacked and I have no recourse but to wait.

Everything is a shot in the dark with depression.  Doctors really don't know what the medications or treatments do they just have theories.  The whole thing relies on faith.  I just have to believe that something is going to shift or click and I'll get myself back.  My sense of humour, my intelligence, my sense of purpose and connection can't be gone, but the light-switch in all of those rooms is out.  I'm running with very little lit up on the circuit board.

So I hold on, I'm a bench warmer in my own life, restless to be let back in.