Depression is a mysterious condition....

There's nothing strait forward about depression.  Im stuck in a body with a brain that isn't working well and using that same system to try to make sense of what is going on.

All day long I feel a deep sense of detachment and isolation.  I'm just going through the motions, I know I'm supposed to shower, eat breakfast, go to work. Mindlessly I mow lawns, fix flower beds, do whatever I agreed to do.  I have enough fight in me to keep moving.  Somehow I move 6 yards of mulch with my shovel and wheel barrel.  I tell myself exercise is good for depression. I know that occupying my time is better than mourning the loss of my self.

I want to take action, do something, take some steps towards progress. I try to tell myself maybe changing my medications for the 20th time might do the trick, maybe that shiver I felt down my back means my neurotransmitters are working?  Maybe not eating gluten is going to to the trick? Yoga? Meditation? counsellor?

None of these things seem to make any difference, I've tried them all before, but the hope that comes from taking some small action keeps me moving through the day.  Today I told myself getting a massage would bring me some relief, so I pushed through....I didn't really get alot of relief but the idea that I'm trying is something for my mind to hold onto.

Tommorow, I'll get up and possibly feel the same bleakness but call the neighbour and work on adding some flagstone to her yard and adding some shrubs.  One hard task after the other, digging clay, moving rock, planting shrubs and trees....I just keep moving.

I don't really know what else to do....once I'm having a full episode of depression, all of the self realizations and tools seem to have very little impact.  I feel like my brain is getting some upgrades done and the whole system is at a stand still until its ready to reboot.

There's been times when medical interventions have sped up the reboot process, but it seems like everything only works once.  I've tried different treatments and had initial success and than tried the same thing for a subsequent episode and gotten no results.

All I know is this is fucking crazy.  I am stuck feeling disconnected, numb, uninspired with a constant tape running through my head that I'm depressed.  I hear that I'm supposed to be social to help my condition, but I've had so many painful experiences just sitting at a restaurant staring into space, knowing that Jeanne isn't really there and the other person has to sit there silently with depressed me or try to engage me in conversation to only get one word answers.  I keep hoping all of a sudden the healthy me will spring forth and save the day, but she is no where to be found.

I don't hate myself, I'm not super self critical, but I know that there's something wrong all day.  I can try to ignore it and focus on doing the next right thing, but that sense of loss is pretty real.
My whole system has been hijacked and I have no recourse but to wait.

Everything is a shot in the dark with depression.  Doctors really don't know what the medications or treatments do they just have theories.  The whole thing relies on faith.  I just have to believe that something is going to shift or click and I'll get myself back.  My sense of humour, my intelligence, my sense of purpose and connection can't be gone, but the light-switch in all of those rooms is out.  I'm running with very little lit up on the circuit board.

So I hold on, I'm a bench warmer in my own life, restless to be let back in.