The Battle is Won One Day at A Time

Overcoming 13 years of recurrent depression is a battle I win one day at a time, and its not easy to keep fighting.  I wake up in the morning some days after going through normal life stressors and it feels like I only have 2 serotonins left to my name and they want to fight each other, like pac-mans and are threatening to devour one another at the slightest perceived issue that I face.

The idea of being functional all day sounds as much fun as going on an arduous mountain hike.

The automatic negative thoughts are waiting for me to buy into the idea that life is to hard for me and I should just give into the low vibration thoughts stemming from feelings of being overwhelmed and unworthy.

I'm just sick and tired of giving into depression and its bullshit. It feels like every time I'm about to do something challenging, my depression wants to run interference, and for to long I've allowed it to get in my way.

For 11 years,  I bullied myself and worried about myself for getting easily sad and disappointed.  I knew it was wrong, but I did it anyways.  I also got scared when I had to take full responsibility for my life, and sometimes that fear lead me to depression.

All I know is that for today I have a choice.  Yes, those years of giving into automatic thoughts have taken their toll.  There's probably a highway of faulty neural networks that are working against me.

But honestly, just for today I'm not clinically depressed, and I will not give into the thoughts that send me spiralling downwards.  If due to stress and factors beyond my control I get triggered and anxious, I will ground myself and allow the scary feeling of powerlessness to pass.

The other key ingredient, is giving myself some down time and room to breathe.  My mind goes so quickly and it sometimes feels like I have 5-10 computer programs running at the same time.  Lately, after working 40 hours a week and upping my game in other areas of my life I've been feeling run down.  The landscape season was great, but I worked quite hard and honestly, I need a little time to recuperate.  The snow came fast, and I saw it as a sign to hibernate and slow down and do less in a day than I normally would.

This was hard because it gave me more time to sit with my feelings, but ultimately I know that I can't function on high gear without eventually crashing.  I've seen myself get kinda crazy when I push for to hard for to long, and than start getting obsessive, neurotic and spiralling downwards.

It feels like my brain sends me waves of negative thoughts because it almost wants to shut down and go into depressive mode because it cant handle the chaos that is my mind when I'm going to fast.

What I'm trying to do now is force myself to slow down and do self care, and not get frustrated with my brain, body, and mind needing to recalibrate.

I'd rather stay in bed longer meditating or resting in a good mood, than push myself to a place where I am clinically depressed before I allow myself to rest.  

Everyday is a challenge, but one day at a time I'm learning to just to my various energy levels and moods in order to guide myself towards recovery, inner peace and balance.