Just a Crack of light

I haven't been able to write for awhile, but something's shifting inside me.  I see a small ray of light and that's very powerful.  Even a tiny fracture of self awareness is a miracle in the face of the self doubt and confusion that depression casts on everything.

I actually got up this morning at 6:45 with no alarm.  For me this is well, sort of amazing.
For the last 7 weeks I've been unable to get up before 10, waking up earlier, but anxiously trying to prolong that state of being semi unconscious, knowing I'm up against one of "those days."
Days where before I open my eyes, I know it's going to an agonizing battle to put on foot in front of the other and try to justify to myself why I keep going at all.  For me it's like being in a long, slow purgatory of souless boredom, self condemnation and meaningless existentialism.
I read a quote that says, "If you're in Hell, don't stop, keep going."  I think that's true, because the one day I did stay home alone all day sitting on the couch, I found myself reading about people jumping off the golden gate bridge to escape their current predicament.


Anyways, back to the ray of light part....This morning I felt like something was a little different.
Some of the heaviness and mental fog had lifted.  I could almost hear my little spirit birds chirping.
I started thinking about my life, and my thoughts had some nuance, some hope.
I could see more than one way to look at a situation, and the a realistic, positive outlook didn't feel so foreign to my conscious mind.

I've been desperately looking for some answers for this cycle of low moods, and periods of joyful dis-organized living.  Drugs and therapy for bipolar haven't really arrested these cycles, and I was pretty sure it was getting worse and I was really in for a tough ride through life.

Than finally, a meaningful second opinion, first from a highly trained therapist and than a psychiatrist.  They picked up something that I thought was pretty trivial or maybe even funny.
It's a diagnosis that's almost always overlooked in women presenting with depression.
Since I've beed a teenager I've been battling with ADD.  Just because I've hid it well and learned to be "functional" doesn't negate the struggle I've failed to recognize for all these years.

I still have along ways to go.  Even as I sit here writing, I can feel the pain of what I've gone through haunting me.  I want to take all of it and weave it into something meaningful, but I can only do that if I'm well enough to feel a sense of self amidst the suffering.  My ultimate goal is to take all the colours of my sorrow and make an art installation on a white gallery wall, that I can reflect on periodically but ultimately detach from and move on with my life.  Perhaps other people can look at what I've experienced and see if anything resonates with their journey.

I still haven't been able to start taking medications for ADD, but I think I'm going to talk another therapist at the private clinic about this option and pursue counselling related to managing the this condition effectively.   I was instructed to get off a medication first, because I'm on a whole shwack of medications and two mood-stabilizers is overkill.  I begged the doctor to go back on an SNRI and I'm on day four of that, so that may be helping.  I also did something I'm kind of embarrassed about, but may account for some of my positive spirit today.  I "gulp" "sigh" "erg" got botox.  There are some preliminary studies saying that having a relaxed facial expression helps the feedback loop in the brain that controls mood.  I believe this to a degree, because my depression feels like I'm on a circus ride through a haunted house, over and over again.  I can see how even one system reporting a different impulse, i.e. neutral facial expression, could be a shift.

That's the thing I find about depression.  I have to keep going, and trying new things, because it really comes down to interrupting that negative feedback loop, which can take a lot of effort. It feels like the train of thought is speeding around on the depressive track, and the switch to a normal mindset is broken.  So here I am a tiny person, trying to get a train to stop by throwing cans at it. It feels pretty futile.  That's what recovery from depression feels like, I'm a tiny being trying to derail a massive train.  It feels like I'm not getting anywhere, because each gesture of recovery in singularity is ineffective.  It takes a lot of continual effort and new strategizing to stop this monster.

I'm really hoping I am on the right track again, but I know my neutral or positive train of thought gets derailed to easily.  I'm hoping that by working with a therapist that knows ADD in adults I can work out some of the kinks that I fearfully thought of as being hypomanic.  If the disorganization and frustration I feel when I try to start my art business or contribute in a substantial way to my landscape business are resolved by addressing the ADD that might make all the difference.  I want to feel like a competent, capable adult, not a teenager staring out the window, doodling in her notebook, unable to follow what is going on in class, or take control of her life.

Powerless over Depression? Maybe it's time to tell yourself a better story....

The last few weeks have been tough for be emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically.
I tend to think the worse and prophesize that there's something wrong with my mental health, but lately my "story" has changed.  Pathologizing hard mood states is super unhelpful for me at this point in my journey.  I need to help the child inside of me thats scared of depressive thoughts and feelings to rise above the mess.  Before I ever had an episode of clinical depression, I was just a sad kid that didn't know how to deal with my feelings of isolation growing up.  So the depression came along when things got to tough, and it held me underwater until my subconscious was strong enough to face life again.  It's been frustrating, and I have felt so powerless watching myself go through so much pain and suffering, without any explanation other than that there was something medically wrong with me.

I went to a workshop with Maria Gomori, and it was very challenging.  She saw my light and wanted me to shed the damage that labelling myself was doing.  She saw the root of my suffering, and helped me see that I made certain decisions between the age of 5-15 that shaped the way I go through life's challenges.  She saw that I was strong and could use my gifts to rise above what holds me back from healing.  She asked me not to see myself as sick or bipolar because it's not helpful.  My challenge was to stop pathologizing myself one day at a time, and in many ways I am doing this and winning the battle, sometimes one minute at a time, or one positive action or thought at a time.
 Honestly, the best thing I can do for myself is accept myself and embrace what I love about myself, and learn to let go of what no longer serves me.

Healing from depression is a  journey, a long penguin march through the antarctic, but it's so worthwhile to believe you can heal.  I have looked to doctors, psychologists, shamans, yoga, running, art and spirituality for answers.  Interestingly, it has been talking openly with other people who suffer/ have suffered with addictions and mental health issues that has helped me the most.  If I can see the light in other people that suffer, and believe they have the inner resources to heal, I can heal myself.

What doesn't serve me, and never has, is thinking I'm really different from everyone else.  That my suffering is unique and no one can understand me.  For me, labelling myself with "depression," or "bipolar" isn't really that helpful, it just a set of explanations made by a set of people.   It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me and that's not true.  I am and have always been myself, and God made me perfectly imperfect.  It's ok to be sensitive and it's ok to struggle.  It's not ok to keep re injuring myself with fear and self condemnation for being different.

Usually there are triggers for my unhealthy states, and fear plays a huge role for me.  If I think I can't handle a challenging situation or a major life change, my "depression" wants to take me down an all to familiar road, that gets me really stuck.  When I tell myself I want to heal and will weather my internal and external storms with self compassion and my higher power at my side, I tend to make it safely back to shore.

At this moment, I'm feeling physically sick from being emotionally overwhelmed, but I'm done telling myself I can't handle this situation.  I can and I will.  I will give myself the grace to stop analyzing my thoughts and emotions and judging myself as being not ok.  Instead of deciding there's something wrong with my mental health, I will focus on getting some rest and processing some tough revelations when I'm not so tired.  I reached out to all of you, because that's another part of healing, sharing my experience, strength and hope in case it helps someone else who is struggling with similar  issues.  Together, I think we can support one another in the belief that we can all heal our inner landscapes and find the inner peace we deserve and work so hard towards.

Goodnight, and many blessings to everyone,

xoxoxoxo Jeanne

Me and the Grandmother of Family Therapy

Running My Own Business and Mental Health...

I haven't been blogging lately, because I've been super stoked about the landscape business that I own with my partner Sean.  It's come so far since we incorporated and I've grown exponentially as well.
If you asked me two years ago what I wanted, I had a short list, a drivers license, a  truck, and a lawn mower.  At that time, I was elated to ride my bike to a clients house and make $20/hr as a gardener.

Today, I have 6 employees, 83 mansions, 18 villas, 4 cascading ponds, and hundreds of trees, shrubs and flowers to maintain.  I've done this while experiencing various degrees of depression and anxiety.
There's been ups and down, trials and triumphs and a few good laughs along the way.

I have two months to go on a 6 month contract, and it looks like in-spite of my fears and discouraging comments from my psychiatrist about work being the #1 trigger for bipolar episodes, I am only getting stronger.  Maybe that's because my bipolar is pretty mild, or maybe that doctor is out to lunch.
I think work could f*&%-up your mental health if you're in the wrong line of work and it's just draining, or if you are so manic you can't stop, but for me its just propelling me forward and helping me to become the woman I always wanted to be.

I never really thought of myself as a leader.  If I was a leader growing up, it probably started as a teenager, convincing other kids to defy their parents and be mischievous. When I was 18, I was a lifeguard and a swim instructor, and I know I helped a lot of people overcome the fear of water.  I was really competent in school and excelled at doing my own projects.  In 2010, I was awarded 3 decent contracts for the city of Nanaimo and I did have some volunteer help from various interesting characters of different ages and backgrounds.

Anyways, I have often been a lone wolf, and never considered myself to be a leader.  I got seriously into the landscape business because Sean and I had been awarded an awesome contract doing landscape maintenance, and it seemed like the next logical step.

So here I am, having had to step up and move out of my comfort zone.  I actually was clinically depressed for 3 months of the contract.  I still managed to put in at least 25-35 hours a week in the community and countless hours discussing business with Sean.  It was really hard for both of us, but I pulled through.  Honestly, going to the nurseries and doing beautiful annual beds and planters was pretty helpful at getting me through otherwise bleak days.  I had a hard time being a leader at the time, but I did work silently with my peeps, and I think I taught them a thing or two.

Finally in late June, my depression broke, and I was thrown in the driver's seat.  Sean had gotten really sick from the stress of running a new business and I needed to step up.  I had employees working, but they had terrible habits that were costing us alot of money.  I needed to look at the big picture and start reigning things in and fast.  It hasn't been easy and I've lost my sH*t on people on a few separate occasions. I'm actually glad my summer students are gone, because some of them where like little kids and untrainable.

It's been pretty sweet though, because I have alot of heart for transforming people's yards.  My slogan was "Creating Community One Yard at a Time," and I'm really living up to this mission.  We are surpassing the developer and our clients expectations.

In order to stay balanced, I've had to use all the tools I had available, and start normalizing my feelings instead of pathologizing them.  If I have anxiety for the first 2 weeks of managing a business, its not mental illness, it's human.  I just have to monitor these things more than other people.  I actually have a pretty cool app called iMOOD journal and it shows me how I'm coping with life.  My anxiety has  gone down a lot, and I did realize I need to do more self care to stay well.

My mental health isn't perfect, but I'm pretty resilient, and I'm learning alot about myself.  I'm actually  happier when I have something other than myself and my problems to deal with.  I've always been pretty smart, so having a job I find exciting and engaging is better than some of the mind numbing jobs I've had in the past.  Not only that, when I get overwhelmed, I can just get my hands in the dirt and get grounded.

This weekend, I'm taking it easy because owning a new landscape company is crazy in the summer, and down time is important.  Last week I went to a 12 step meeting and a yoga Nidra class which kept me in check.  I'm also taking my birthday week off to go on a retreat in late August.  I love my community and my business so I'll be busy training my team leaders all next week.

I never thought I'd be in this position and at times I've actually felt unworthy of being the person giving directions, and overseeing projects.  I'm starting to realize I've been slowly learning all the necessary skills to excel in my position.  I have to put aside old patterns of low self esteem and realize that I am good enough to be a leader.  Leaders are not better than any other team leaders, they simply have the ability to see the big picture and make all the pieces come together.

If anyone wants to check out my website, you can check in out at www.northernelementslandscaping.ca

Mildly Hypomanic? Say What?

It's 2 am, and I'm wide awake. So to, is the cat.  He's a bit racy and vocal.  I'm not going to label him bipolar.. He's just nocturnal.

Actually, I'd rather not label myself as bipolar, but I am experiencing bipolar symptoms.  Buddhists say to be careful with "I Am" because its powerful and it manifests itself accordingly.

 I'm kind of annoyed right now, I have an early morning, and yet here I am typing away.  My mind isn't racing, but my blood is crossing through my veins bit quickly.  Even though I'm tired, I could probably run 3 k.

This is all so hard to make sense of, even medically.  I added a mood-stabilizer, thats supposed to address this issue.

To be honest, I'm glad I'm not depressed, because that was terrible.

I can't afford to stay like this either.  "Mania is the fire, and depression the ashes." I can't afford to become ashes, it's to dangerous and painful.

When I get out of my slumps, I have a pretty clear idea of what I need to work on next, in terms of self growth. I have a theory that depression and bipolar are caused by childhood and adolescent experiences, that set the stage for further problems down the line.  Patterns of behaviour are established, that literally change neuro-pathways, and cause us to continue to react to our emotions in unhealthy ways.  As a child who was extremely emotionally suppressed due to parents that where probably passing down what they had learned, its not entirely surprising.  I will definitely go more into detail on this theory in further blog posts, and possibly write a book called "The Repressed Child, A Tale of Mental Illness and Addiction."

Anyways, I need to find ways to calm my nerves, and relax for whats left of tonight.  I plan to read for awhile, and repeat positive mantras while I breathe deeply.  Sadly, I'm not great at "nurturing" myself, " I'm better at worrying about what symptoms I have according to the DSM 5, and torturing myself accordingly.

This isn't my fault, but you better believe that slowly, I'm going to do everything in my powers, to rewire these highs and lows.  I deserve a good life, and so does anyone who is willing to take an honest look at themselves in the mirror, and work towards healing.

The Penguin Asks..Have I Reached the Open Ocean? Is this Depression Really Breaking?

Getting some relief from the soul crushing weight of depression is much like the creatures in Plato's "Allegory of the Cave," must have felt when after years of living underground and interpreting life in the shadows the cave are freed to see the sun.

The hope is so bright, but so is the fear of being dragged back into the cave.
The sun is so bright, and misguided doctors one sided view that this can only be hypomania only further complicate matters.

The truth is, in this moment as I write this, I am free.  I don't know how I earned my freedom.  Was it just a matter of time before my brain chemistry righted itself? Did I face certain truths about my lfe? Was it a change in medication? And is this sustainable?

I'm still very unstable.  While 3 days ago, I did add another mood stabilizer (Trileptal) to my magic/deadly combination of meds, I can't completely trust this was it.  I also took prozac for 4 days, because thats what I had, and boy was I desperate for a catalyst.  Now I'm out and my greatest fear is that I need it to keep this up, and my doctor won't go for it.

Anyways, what am I supposed to do with my tentative freedom?   I still feel like the shackles of mental illness are upon me, and can drag me back into the cave.  How to I break free? My freedom is fragile and precarious at this time.

In the light, I remember some of my spiritual tricks, and I hope they serve me well, I don't want to go backwards, its to painful.

First of all,  I am a deeply fearful person, and this is my greatest obstacle. In AA, they say the opposite of dear is faith, and to turn your fear over to God.  This is very real, I have seen it work in my life.  Seemingly unsurmountable mental blocks lifted and a pathway forward revealed.

Its clear to me I don't know what's going on medically and whether I need prozac.  Just for today (partially because I have no choice, its holiday) I need to trust I'll be ok with out it, that the fire is lit, and I will do everything I can to keep it burning.

I did a journey (meditation) to my spiritual helpers and this is the guidance I got:

1) Enjoy this energy, don't criticize yourself or call it "hypomania", just monitor yourself.

2) Have faith that the catalyst has worked, your energy won't stop flowing through you.

3) Reach out to someone more spiritually evolved, get another perspective.

4) Turn all your analysis of the situation over to God (the universe)  Let it go!

5) Share your crazy bipolar journey with the world.  The only upside to this illness is making others realize suffering is a universal part of the human experience and that they are not alone.

The truth is I have no idea what went right, I just need to trust that I deserve this, I've been through hell.
I need to believe that after my long Penguin march through the inhospitable Antarctic, I have reached the sea, and this is no mirage.

Note: To anyone who is severely depressed, do not lose hope.  I don't think these revelations happen overnight, and it's been matter of leaving no rock unturned and telling myself something is going to eventually work out.  In these 3 months, only a tiny part of me believed this to be true.

 If today, you're not let out of the cave, no not fear or blame yourself, the lack of communication in your brain is very real, and you are not to blame.  In your tortured mind, just take one step forward towards your healing.  Even if 96% of you believes it is in vain, know what you only need to believe in recovery with an honest 4%.  The universe will support you. Remember, it's normal to feel excruciating pain when 96% of your psyche is in darkness.

Being ok with not feeling ok..

As much as I hate to admit it to myself, I'm definitely not ok with being depressed.  I struggle with it on
a moment to moment, hour to hour, day to day basis.  I think part of this lack of acceptance is making things worse.  I'm never really comfortable with my experience.

Why should I be?  We live in a fix it world, there has to be some supplement, some medication some magical thought, a mantra that can wash this all away.

What if there isn't? What if this is something that I'm going to have to live with, for extended periods of time?  How can I embrace this experience, the long hours of nothingness and sadness?
How can I justify being here? Am I only worthy if I feel connected and happy?

How can I accept sitting on the sidelines of life, and not really participating?

What if I don't really have a choice? What if this really is the best I can do right now, just go through the motions and take some satisfaction in the small labours I complete?

Can I accept that this is it for me right now?

Its really hard.  I have family members voices and positive psychology telling me that I can just adopt a positive attitude, or believe in my own power to change the situation.  That mind is more powerful than the body.

There's nothing situationally wrong to fix.  I don't know why I feel this way. Being told I'm bipolar only helps so much. There's still no physical test that can prove that there's something wrong.

I'm not ok with any of this, and that's sinking my spirits even lower.  I don't like the quiet, mellow, passive person I am right now, and that's making things worse.

I don't know why I hate my depressive side so much.  She gets up everyday, and tries to make a difference, tries to heal. She goes to countless doctors appointments and therapy sessions.  She walks, runs, she eats well. She keeps doing the next right thing, even if it doesn't make much difference.
 

She goes about her life so empty and alone, but she keeps going. She silently endures the disappointment, the frustration, and the insufferable weight of this illness. She keeps fighting, she keeps trying.

I've tried everything I can think of to pull myself out of this, and I'm still here waiting for some improvement.  I don't have a lot of hope, but I know we're all there for some reason, and that if I'm still here, still breathing, then my story isn't over.

It just sucks being stuck in this moment, and I don't like this chapter very much.  Recovery seems like
such a lofty goal, that all I really want is to find some compassion, some understanding for myself.  I want to just accept what I'm going through, and learn of be ok with not feeling ok.

The hardest parts of being depressed....

There is nothing really easy about being depressed.

To me, it feels like I am just a shell, waiting for my former self to return.

I go through the motions, barely able to perform basic functions, and feeling empty and devoid of any sentiment.

For someone who really enjoys people and is quite extroverted, I'm really saddened by the fact I can't carry a conversation or feel comfortable around anyone other than my fiancé.  Its draining and frustrating to watch myself wanting to engage and being completely unable to do so.  Its so hard, because I know that I'm not always like this, but I can't access the part of me that feels connected or joyful about the human experience.

If we are all energetic beings and we connect to each other at certain frequencies, my frequency is almost inaudible, and this is a very lonely place to be.

I am usually really connected to God, and go through the day seeing signs that I am on the right path, and that I am manifesting the life that I want.  I'll think about something and it will appear in front of me within days, or a stranger will tell me something that I needed to hear.  I'm able to journey in my mind and meditate and come up with insights and answers.

When I'm depressed, and I need spirituality the most, I hear nothing.  The silence is deafening.  Its like God has gone on vacation, and I'm awaiting his return.

It almost makes me angry, and I feel like Job in the Bible, alone and tormented, praying and hearing nothing.  Worse, everyone blames Job for his suffering.  I have people in my family that act like this is a choice, and I would never choose to live like this.

So how do I make sense of this?  Well, looking for a sense of fairness does nothing to alleviate this pain.  I really think this condition is just as bad as loosing a limb, having cancer, or any other major health burden. Maybe life isn't really all that fair after all.   I just keep hoping that one day, all this suffering can be transmuted into something beautiful and life-giving that can help other people.

I try to be optimistic about the medical treatments I'm doing, and some days are better then others.

I've just been down this road so many times and waiting for medications or rtms to work is exhausting.  I just have to believe that treating bipolar instead of depression may be a road out of this suffering, but only time will tell. It's just that stuck in this moment, its pretty hard to see progress.

But mostly, I just wait.  Wait for my brain to come back online.  I try to believe that God would try to reach me and comfort me if possible, but that the phone lines are down for maintenance.   This is my challenge, to keep believing, even when my world looks the darkest, and the smallest.  To keep yearning for more, even when I can't feel anything.  

Depression actually makes me realize what a spiritual being I must be, because if I hadn't felt so full of God's grace, than the absence wouldn't be so painful.