Patience

I've been working on recovery from depression and addictions for 8 years.  It was obvious to me that alcohol was a depressant, and that drinking was a no win situation, so I quit, it was easy, because I have a strong will to be well and live a good life.

I only quit drinking because I wanted to get a handle on my depression, which has been way harder than quitting drinking.  I have been able to put together months of feeling well. Once, 2 years.
 Still, this depression persists for as much as 1/4 of my life.

It makes me sad, because I've done so much to fight for my life and grow as a human being, and yet when I'm down, it's so hard to see that maybe one day all the pieces will click.

Having adhd doesn't really help either.  Its easy for me to forget entire pieces of my recovery program until I start to slide.  Also, I'm pretty sure the constant state of excitement at the start of things is hard on my brain.  Almost like I have to much neutral activity, so its only a matter of time before I shut down.

As I sit here, missing myself, wanting to analyze this situation, but knowing my brain basically isn't functioning well enough to figure out anything.  A depressed brain can't be objective.  I can almost sense that part of my brain is functioning very minimally.  That this is a physical issue.

I'm just trying to accept that once again, in my wanting to be ok, like everyone else, I ignored the signs I needed to back off from the drama of my life, and take better care of myself, to accept that I have to do less work and do more recovery to stay functional.

I've made it back to shore when depression strikes tons of times, but unfortunately this hasn't been one of them. I can see some of the situations that started my erosion, but I don't know what more I could have done to change things.

I know I did my best up until this depression struck, and there's not a whole lot more I could have done.  I've finally gotten to a place of acceptance, that I don't have control over this illness yet, and that I don't need to be so upset about it, so dramatic about how sad and unfair it is.
I do sometimes feel that it's sad and unfair, but mostly I find a way to accept that sometimes my life is colourless, emotionless, and empty.  Other times its vibrant, meaningful and full of connection.

So today, for another 8 hrs, I just need to accept the cards I've been dealt, and do small things to keep myself moving forward.

Frustration and Adult ADHD

During my last depression, I reached out to a new psychologist, because inspite of my best efforts I was back down the rabbit hole.  I told her about my history, how I was apparently "bipolar 2" and how I wasn't getting better.  She paused and said, I worry about people like you, who've tried everything, and are slipping through the cracks.  There's something missing from this picture, that hasn't been picked up on yet."

I sat in her office, and it wasn't interpersonal therapy.  She actually asked me 100-200 questions to screen me for more than "depression" or "bipolar" which were the easiest and trendiest conclusions for her peers to jump to in 45 minutes.  I left with an answer and a glimmer of hope.  I had adult attention deficit (hyperactive) disorder.  I am still amazed and so grateful that even though most of my symptoms were masked by depression, she still extracted the truth.

I started doing her DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy) class, and after a few months, and medication changes, snapped out of my low grade mood.

She than gave me another insight which I have alluded to in this blog.  Perhaps my depression wasn't simply a "chemical" imbalance, or an unlucky spin on the genetic wheel of fortune.

It was the result of trauma, of being bullied as a child for 6+ years, and not processing the information correctly.  I decided that I was weird, not really accepted by the tribe, an outsider. She told me "sadness" that never gets resolved results in recurrent depression.  This may not be the whole story, but at least there's a narrative of how I came to suffer and therefore a pathway out of my suffering.

Anyways, my point is that getting a psychologist to actually confirm what I knew deep down has been a lifesaver, but I'm still trying to navigate my mental health situation.

I can really relate to the theory that people with ADHD suffer with low dopamine levels.  Dopamine is the brain chemical that spikes when we do something rewarding or exciting.  Its necessary to have enough dopamine in the brain to stay focused on every day activities for long enough to complete them because we know there is satisfaction in having a clean house, getting an assignment done etc. With ADHD, my brain is starving for dopamine, so I jump from task to task, thought to thought, seeking that satisfaction.  I do well in situations that I enjoy, like bringing together a landscape project, because I'm getting the dopamine I need.  I also enjoy being silly and talking about ideas with people because it feeds my brain.

I tried stimulants, and they were awesome, I actually understood what it feels like to be content
with staying on task and getting projects done.  I also found my mind didn't jump from topic to topic and I was less prone to depressive rumination.  Because I'm taking 2 antidepressants, the first stimulant I tried stopped being helpful once I went back to work.  The extra nor-adredrenalin pushed me towards pathological anxiety and the inability to get grounded and comfortable in my own skin.

I've been wanting to be ok without stimulants, but as I write this I can really see how the ADHD goes hand in hand with my depression, because it affects my self esteem not being able to do things that other people take for granted.  Its hard having an unfocused mind, that needs constant re directing and its exhausting.

This whole journey of self discovery definitely has its highs and lows.  I quit writing for awhile because I was just so glad to feel normal.  Now I'm in bit of a rut and I think its been brought on by feelings of inadequacy about my ADHD.  I want to get this thing right, either accept how hard it is to live with this or change my antidepressants to a medication that helps regulate dopamine. All I know is that feeling better and getting my recovery on track takes time, and it probably involves periods of feeling shitty when I look ahead and all I see is an upward climb.  Being ok with where I'm at and taking on step at a time is all I can do right now.

Why So Sad?

For me depression is deeply rooted in my subconscious and the wiring of my brain.  Its painful because as soon as I start thinking I've got a handle on the situation and I'm feeling better, I want to take on the world and forgo some of my self care rituals, forgetting how real the struggle is for me, and that managing this illness requires, diligence, patience and self awareness.

Days like today I just feel little haywire mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  Not clinically depressed, just off.  It's like I've forgotten to keep the guards posted at the door that keep the gremlins at bay, and now they're running loose inside my head.  They're pretty small but they cast long shadows.  The trick for me at this point is not to activate the fight or flight response, because those yucky chemicals that is releases just make things wo
rse.  I need to remember, whatever they're saying to me is BS, a sick part of my brain that doesn't need to be given anymore attention than it deserves.

Self analysis, without an outlet like writing doesn't help to much either.  When I'm in a fragile, scared position, and I mentally feel like shit, my ability to see the whole picture is really compromised. Like the people in Plato's "Allegory of the Cave,"I just see the shadows of things, and my point of view is compromised by my mood.

Work has taken it's toll on me.  Before going back to work as a landscape company owner, I was surrounded by light and love, doing a yoga leadership course.  I wasn't trying to be a yoga teacher, but I really liked what I saw in the course leaders Jess and Sara.

I was doing yoga daily, and feeling pretty ok with my inner and outer landscape.  SHit has been getting real lately, and the pressure has been rising quickly.  I'm doing ok, but there are some cracks in my foundation.  The interpersonal stressors at work and at home from running a successful business with my partner are triggers for stress, which not handled properly can cause the return of depressive symptoms for me.

The truth is, the triggers that set off the bad wiring and depressive tendencies  in my brain are probably just unhealed sadnesses from the past.  Little Jeanne was sad an awful lot.  Yes there were magical childhood moments filled with light and love which have sustained me throughout adult life, but there were also alot of sad, uncomforted, lonely and isolated tears shed in my formative years.

We are social beings and not feeling welcomed and loved by your tribe in grade school can cause deep psychic wounds in a person that they may unconsciously carry into adult life.   I bought into the lie that there was something fundamentally wrong with me starting at 5 years old.  All this unprocessed, unacknowledged pain and the thoughts, feelings and sensations that went along for the ride, need to be brought into the sunshine, honoured and healed.

Just a Crack of light

I haven't been able to write for awhile, but something's shifting inside me.  I see a small ray of light and that's very powerful.  Even a tiny fracture of self awareness is a miracle in the face of the self doubt and confusion that depression casts on everything.

I actually got up this morning at 6:45 with no alarm.  For me this is well, sort of amazing.
For the last 7 weeks I've been unable to get up before 10, waking up earlier, but anxiously trying to prolong that state of being semi unconscious, knowing I'm up against one of "those days."
Days where before I open my eyes, I know it's going to an agonizing battle to put on foot in front of the other and try to justify to myself why I keep going at all.  For me it's like being in a long, slow purgatory of souless boredom, self condemnation and meaningless existentialism.
I read a quote that says, "If you're in Hell, don't stop, keep going."  I think that's true, because the one day I did stay home alone all day sitting on the couch, I found myself reading about people jumping off the golden gate bridge to escape their current predicament.


Anyways, back to the ray of light part....This morning I felt like something was a little different.
Some of the heaviness and mental fog had lifted.  I could almost hear my little spirit birds chirping.
I started thinking about my life, and my thoughts had some nuance, some hope.
I could see more than one way to look at a situation, and the a realistic, positive outlook didn't feel so foreign to my conscious mind.

I've been desperately looking for some answers for this cycle of low moods, and periods of joyful dis-organized living.  Drugs and therapy for bipolar haven't really arrested these cycles, and I was pretty sure it was getting worse and I was really in for a tough ride through life.

Than finally, a meaningful second opinion, first from a highly trained therapist and than a psychiatrist.  They picked up something that I thought was pretty trivial or maybe even funny.
It's a diagnosis that's almost always overlooked in women presenting with depression.
Since I've beed a teenager I've been battling with ADD.  Just because I've hid it well and learned to be "functional" doesn't negate the struggle I've failed to recognize for all these years.

I still have along ways to go.  Even as I sit here writing, I can feel the pain of what I've gone through haunting me.  I want to take all of it and weave it into something meaningful, but I can only do that if I'm well enough to feel a sense of self amidst the suffering.  My ultimate goal is to take all the colours of my sorrow and make an art installation on a white gallery wall, that I can reflect on periodically but ultimately detach from and move on with my life.  Perhaps other people can look at what I've experienced and see if anything resonates with their journey.

I still haven't been able to start taking medications for ADD, but I think I'm going to talk another therapist at the private clinic about this option and pursue counselling related to managing the this condition effectively.   I was instructed to get off a medication first, because I'm on a whole shwack of medications and two mood-stabilizers is overkill.  I begged the doctor to go back on an SNRI and I'm on day four of that, so that may be helping.  I also did something I'm kind of embarrassed about, but may account for some of my positive spirit today.  I "gulp" "sigh" "erg" got botox.  There are some preliminary studies saying that having a relaxed facial expression helps the feedback loop in the brain that controls mood.  I believe this to a degree, because my depression feels like I'm on a circus ride through a haunted house, over and over again.  I can see how even one system reporting a different impulse, i.e. neutral facial expression, could be a shift.

That's the thing I find about depression.  I have to keep going, and trying new things, because it really comes down to interrupting that negative feedback loop, which can take a lot of effort. It feels like the train of thought is speeding around on the depressive track, and the switch to a normal mindset is broken.  So here I am a tiny person, trying to get a train to stop by throwing cans at it. It feels pretty futile.  That's what recovery from depression feels like, I'm a tiny being trying to derail a massive train.  It feels like I'm not getting anywhere, because each gesture of recovery in singularity is ineffective.  It takes a lot of continual effort and new strategizing to stop this monster.

I'm really hoping I am on the right track again, but I know my neutral or positive train of thought gets derailed to easily.  I'm hoping that by working with a therapist that knows ADD in adults I can work out some of the kinks that I fearfully thought of as being hypomanic.  If the disorganization and frustration I feel when I try to start my art business or contribute in a substantial way to my landscape business are resolved by addressing the ADD that might make all the difference.  I want to feel like a competent, capable adult, not a teenager staring out the window, doodling in her notebook, unable to follow what is going on in class, or take control of her life.

Powerless over Depression? Maybe it's time to tell yourself a better story....

The last few weeks have been tough for be emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically.
I tend to think the worse and prophesize that there's something wrong with my mental health, but lately my "story" has changed.  Pathologizing hard mood states is super unhelpful for me at this point in my journey.  I need to help the child inside of me thats scared of depressive thoughts and feelings to rise above the mess.  Before I ever had an episode of clinical depression, I was just a sad kid that didn't know how to deal with my feelings of isolation growing up.  So the depression came along when things got to tough, and it held me underwater until my subconscious was strong enough to face life again.  It's been frustrating, and I have felt so powerless watching myself go through so much pain and suffering, without any explanation other than that there was something medically wrong with me.

I went to a workshop with Maria Gomori, and it was very challenging.  She saw my light and wanted me to shed the damage that labelling myself was doing.  She saw the root of my suffering, and helped me see that I made certain decisions between the age of 5-15 that shaped the way I go through life's challenges.  She saw that I was strong and could use my gifts to rise above what holds me back from healing.  She asked me not to see myself as sick or bipolar because it's not helpful.  My challenge was to stop pathologizing myself one day at a time, and in many ways I am doing this and winning the battle, sometimes one minute at a time, or one positive action or thought at a time.
 Honestly, the best thing I can do for myself is accept myself and embrace what I love about myself, and learn to let go of what no longer serves me.

Healing from depression is a  journey, a long penguin march through the antarctic, but it's so worthwhile to believe you can heal.  I have looked to doctors, psychologists, shamans, yoga, running, art and spirituality for answers.  Interestingly, it has been talking openly with other people who suffer/ have suffered with addictions and mental health issues that has helped me the most.  If I can see the light in other people that suffer, and believe they have the inner resources to heal, I can heal myself.

What doesn't serve me, and never has, is thinking I'm really different from everyone else.  That my suffering is unique and no one can understand me.  For me, labelling myself with "depression," or "bipolar" isn't really that helpful, it just a set of explanations made by a set of people.   It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me and that's not true.  I am and have always been myself, and God made me perfectly imperfect.  It's ok to be sensitive and it's ok to struggle.  It's not ok to keep re injuring myself with fear and self condemnation for being different.

Usually there are triggers for my unhealthy states, and fear plays a huge role for me.  If I think I can't handle a challenging situation or a major life change, my "depression" wants to take me down an all to familiar road, that gets me really stuck.  When I tell myself I want to heal and will weather my internal and external storms with self compassion and my higher power at my side, I tend to make it safely back to shore.

At this moment, I'm feeling physically sick from being emotionally overwhelmed, but I'm done telling myself I can't handle this situation.  I can and I will.  I will give myself the grace to stop analyzing my thoughts and emotions and judging myself as being not ok.  Instead of deciding there's something wrong with my mental health, I will focus on getting some rest and processing some tough revelations when I'm not so tired.  I reached out to all of you, because that's another part of healing, sharing my experience, strength and hope in case it helps someone else who is struggling with similar  issues.  Together, I think we can support one another in the belief that we can all heal our inner landscapes and find the inner peace we deserve and work so hard towards.

Goodnight, and many blessings to everyone,

xoxoxoxo Jeanne

Me and the Grandmother of Family Therapy

Running My Own Business and Mental Health...

I haven't been blogging lately, because I've been super stoked about the landscape business that I own with my partner Sean.  It's come so far since we incorporated and I've grown exponentially as well.
If you asked me two years ago what I wanted, I had a short list, a drivers license, a  truck, and a lawn mower.  At that time, I was elated to ride my bike to a clients house and make $20/hr as a gardener.

Today, I have 6 employees, 83 mansions, 18 villas, 4 cascading ponds, and hundreds of trees, shrubs and flowers to maintain.  I've done this while experiencing various degrees of depression and anxiety.
There's been ups and down, trials and triumphs and a few good laughs along the way.

I have two months to go on a 6 month contract, and it looks like in-spite of my fears and discouraging comments from my psychiatrist about work being the #1 trigger for bipolar episodes, I am only getting stronger.  Maybe that's because my bipolar is pretty mild, or maybe that doctor is out to lunch.
I think work could f*&%-up your mental health if you're in the wrong line of work and it's just draining, or if you are so manic you can't stop, but for me its just propelling me forward and helping me to become the woman I always wanted to be.

I never really thought of myself as a leader.  If I was a leader growing up, it probably started as a teenager, convincing other kids to defy their parents and be mischievous. When I was 18, I was a lifeguard and a swim instructor, and I know I helped a lot of people overcome the fear of water.  I was really competent in school and excelled at doing my own projects.  In 2010, I was awarded 3 decent contracts for the city of Nanaimo and I did have some volunteer help from various interesting characters of different ages and backgrounds.

Anyways, I have often been a lone wolf, and never considered myself to be a leader.  I got seriously into the landscape business because Sean and I had been awarded an awesome contract doing landscape maintenance, and it seemed like the next logical step.

So here I am, having had to step up and move out of my comfort zone.  I actually was clinically depressed for 3 months of the contract.  I still managed to put in at least 25-35 hours a week in the community and countless hours discussing business with Sean.  It was really hard for both of us, but I pulled through.  Honestly, going to the nurseries and doing beautiful annual beds and planters was pretty helpful at getting me through otherwise bleak days.  I had a hard time being a leader at the time, but I did work silently with my peeps, and I think I taught them a thing or two.

Finally in late June, my depression broke, and I was thrown in the driver's seat.  Sean had gotten really sick from the stress of running a new business and I needed to step up.  I had employees working, but they had terrible habits that were costing us alot of money.  I needed to look at the big picture and start reigning things in and fast.  It hasn't been easy and I've lost my sH*t on people on a few separate occasions. I'm actually glad my summer students are gone, because some of them where like little kids and untrainable.

It's been pretty sweet though, because I have alot of heart for transforming people's yards.  My slogan was "Creating Community One Yard at a Time," and I'm really living up to this mission.  We are surpassing the developer and our clients expectations.

In order to stay balanced, I've had to use all the tools I had available, and start normalizing my feelings instead of pathologizing them.  If I have anxiety for the first 2 weeks of managing a business, its not mental illness, it's human.  I just have to monitor these things more than other people.  I actually have a pretty cool app called iMOOD journal and it shows me how I'm coping with life.  My anxiety has  gone down a lot, and I did realize I need to do more self care to stay well.

My mental health isn't perfect, but I'm pretty resilient, and I'm learning alot about myself.  I'm actually  happier when I have something other than myself and my problems to deal with.  I've always been pretty smart, so having a job I find exciting and engaging is better than some of the mind numbing jobs I've had in the past.  Not only that, when I get overwhelmed, I can just get my hands in the dirt and get grounded.

This weekend, I'm taking it easy because owning a new landscape company is crazy in the summer, and down time is important.  Last week I went to a 12 step meeting and a yoga Nidra class which kept me in check.  I'm also taking my birthday week off to go on a retreat in late August.  I love my community and my business so I'll be busy training my team leaders all next week.

I never thought I'd be in this position and at times I've actually felt unworthy of being the person giving directions, and overseeing projects.  I'm starting to realize I've been slowly learning all the necessary skills to excel in my position.  I have to put aside old patterns of low self esteem and realize that I am good enough to be a leader.  Leaders are not better than any other team leaders, they simply have the ability to see the big picture and make all the pieces come together.

If anyone wants to check out my website, you can check in out at www.northernelementslandscaping.ca

Mildly Hypomanic? Say What?

It's 2 am, and I'm wide awake. So to, is the cat.  He's a bit racy and vocal.  I'm not going to label him bipolar.. He's just nocturnal.

Actually, I'd rather not label myself as bipolar, but I am experiencing bipolar symptoms.  Buddhists say to be careful with "I Am" because its powerful and it manifests itself accordingly.

 I'm kind of annoyed right now, I have an early morning, and yet here I am typing away.  My mind isn't racing, but my blood is crossing through my veins bit quickly.  Even though I'm tired, I could probably run 3 k.

This is all so hard to make sense of, even medically.  I added a mood-stabilizer, thats supposed to address this issue.

To be honest, I'm glad I'm not depressed, because that was terrible.

I can't afford to stay like this either.  "Mania is the fire, and depression the ashes." I can't afford to become ashes, it's to dangerous and painful.

When I get out of my slumps, I have a pretty clear idea of what I need to work on next, in terms of self growth. I have a theory that depression and bipolar are caused by childhood and adolescent experiences, that set the stage for further problems down the line.  Patterns of behaviour are established, that literally change neuro-pathways, and cause us to continue to react to our emotions in unhealthy ways.  As a child who was extremely emotionally suppressed due to parents that where probably passing down what they had learned, its not entirely surprising.  I will definitely go more into detail on this theory in further blog posts, and possibly write a book called "The Repressed Child, A Tale of Mental Illness and Addiction."

Anyways, I need to find ways to calm my nerves, and relax for whats left of tonight.  I plan to read for awhile, and repeat positive mantras while I breathe deeply.  Sadly, I'm not great at "nurturing" myself, " I'm better at worrying about what symptoms I have according to the DSM 5, and torturing myself accordingly.

This isn't my fault, but you better believe that slowly, I'm going to do everything in my powers, to rewire these highs and lows.  I deserve a good life, and so does anyone who is willing to take an honest look at themselves in the mirror, and work towards healing.