Time to Refocus

For the last three weeks, my depression monster has gotten huge.  I pretty much let him run the show everyday.  He tells me there's no hope of feeling good that day, and makes every minute and hour seem excruciating.

I feel sorry for myself.  I think of everything he's taken from me.  My joy, my passion, my identity.
I sit there watching my life go by, feeling powerless to do anything.

I disregard most ideas of things that might help, because my mood is at a 3 out of 10, and I want to be at a 7, so and improvement of .5 seems irrelevant.

It's pretty easy to give up in the face of this beast.  Especially if I'm expecting a big shift in mood overnight.  It's pretty easy to feel like this is all life is and will ever be.

I'd say I've almost given up, but there's a small part of me that wants to get some perspective and come at this from a different angle.

If I can't feel good today, maybe I can feel ok, by serving my healthy self and my future.

In brain scans of depression, entire regions of the brain are not functioning, so I need some help to get to where I want to be.

I'm going to see my old counsellor on Monday, and discuss what used to matter to me, so that I can actually schedule my life to reflect were I want to go, and figure out how to handle setbacks.

I can't handle the way I'm going right now, staying in bed till 11, agonising about another day and getting up to face a huge empty canvass.

In order to take my power back, I have to appreciate  that I even want to refocus.  I may not be able to get back on track today, but I can start to think about what it might look like to live a life of recovery from depression, instead of a life consumed by the beast.

All I know is that doing the minimum is not making me feel to great.  But I need to understand that I'm deeply disappointed that I am facing this again, and have been really focusing on what I've lost, and what I can't do, and all the pain and momentum depression has gained in the past.

I've gotta believe that the 60-70% of the time I've been well in the last 10 years has some momentum as well.  That all the good habits, the successes, and the changes I've made have not been in vain.

That even though it doesn't seem relevant at this time, this depression has given me another insight into what a trigger stress and change and responsibility are for this disorder.

In the face of this depression, nothing I was going through before was worth stressing about.  The petty arguments about how to mow a lawn professionally, or who to hire, or money seem so irrelevant at this time. My ego gets me into a lot of trouble.  If I could have prevented the overuse of neurotransmitters  and the racing thoughts I might still be feeling ok.  Hindsight is 20/20.

My hope for today is that I can accept where I am, and make small goals to move forward.  I need to realize that even doing things that make me feel neutral towards the pain, like exercise or art or work are far better than getting eaten alive by the depression.

This will eventually subside, but until than, I'm going to have to figure out what I'm capable of contributing towards a better tomorrow.

Depressed Again?!?What am I missing?

 I haven't wanted to blog for a few days.  I wanted to have all the answers about preventing and managing depression, and I wanted a linear, upwards recovery.  I have been pretty dismayed at the power my depression still carries.  At this point, it's with me 24/7 and there's very little relief.  Life hasn't stopped or slowed down, and I feel like its taking all the energy I have to just do the minimum that is required of me.

I started work, and I am a manager, and an owner of a landscape company.  I am really lucky to have a partner, because there's no way I could keep 6 people working all day.  I had to drive our manager home and I could't understand how I kept up a conversation with all the negativity between my ears.

I got home and was literally shaking from having to keep it together, and I crawled into bed and played there motionless, letting my nerves settle.

A couple of days ago, I went to the psychiatrist that I complain about on here all the time. I hated him because I wanted to do recovery my way.  I thought I was right, and I knew all the answers.  To be honest, I do have alot figured out. I'm a decent mid wave sized surfer.  I can't handle huge depression waves any better than the next guy, so I started listening.

Its a horrible, nerve wrecking experience, having depression.  I feel heavy, drained, slow, and devoid of any personality or interest in life.  And that't the baseline. The best I can do.  Then comes all the judgement, fear and insecurity it causes.

Another thing, positive thinking is a very frustrating concept to me.  Some one close to me likes to say: "Your thought become things, chose the good ones."

I f****ng hate that shit.  It's great for normal people, but doesn't have much clout with bipolar depression.  Its good to be somewhat positive and accept being at the depressed baseline and try to do things that may help.  But its even hard to stat at a baseline, because every situation that I would normally navigate with ease is painfully difficult and suffocating.

I got prescribed lithium.  I thought this was gonna be the end of the world, but Im actually bit relieved.  My doctor believes that the mood stabilizer I'm taking is only good for depression, and everything else I'm taking is useless or making things worse.  He really does believe I can get down to 2 drugs from 5, but I gotta get stable first.

I'm kinda mad. I thought I was doing pretty well.  The trouble is that I'm used to being bipolar, and it doesn't really look like what I read about in magazines.  No super manic, lose all control reckless behaviour.

Its more like not being able to chill.  I can do all kinds of relaxation stuff, but I can't turn off all the random thoughts, and the feelings and emotions that come along for the ride.
It's also anxiety, that was weaving its way into almost everyday in the last few months.

Sean said, if I'm nervous about the landscape season, you're probably 10 times more nervous.
I'm starting to think I'm experiencing 10 times more any of given emotion when I'm not depressed.
I'm just learned how to contain all go this excess, because I thought it was who I was or normal.

Anyways, I'm just trying to let my nervous system relax, and let the lithium help repair some of the damage.  This is a long road to wellness, but I'm not giving up.

Hijacked by the Depression Monster!

At AA, when people complain about their live's, someone will say something like,

Get in kids, I wanna show you this downward spiral you might like.

"Who's driving the bus?"

Basically saying that people are not being guided by a higher power, and are going about life in their own narrow minded way and getting into trouble.

God is supposed to drive the bus, or guide us along.

Well anyways, I can see why its a bus, not a sports car or a minivan.  Thats because I have so many different sides of myself riding along.

I think my depression is always on my bus, but sometimes it's quiet, and I almost forget it's there.
Lately, I feel like its one of the loudest kids on the bus, and I just want to kick it off in the middle of nowhere and tell it to get bent.  Turns out the little guy will be at the next stop, waiting to get back on.

So what's a girl to do?

Well I've been analyzing the situation, and I definitely notice that often, when I'm presented with a challenge, especially around work, my go to place is inadequacy and self doubt, and I really have to rally back with all my strength to keep from getting depressed.  I worry and get down on myself, without even realizing what I'm doing and sometimes depression takes the wheel for abit.  

I don't know why that is, I've always excelled at school, and gotten along well with people.  I have struggled bit with getting fired from jobs I hated anyways for being passive aggressive.

But I've never been fired from landscaping.

Anyways, long story short, I now own 50% of a landscaping company.  We are maintaining the nicest neighbourhood in Calgary and possibly Western Canada. I am excited and terrified.
I've hired 6 people, and we're gonna be starting full time in less than 2 weeks.

God has a sense of humour anyways...less than 2 years ago I was riding my bike to clients houses, with tools in my backpack.  I had no license (fear) and rented a room in a strangers house.  I told Sean I wanted my own maintenance company.  Well, I guess I should-a watched for what I asked for.
Now we have a lucrative contract with a great developer and tons of room to grow.  I own a beautiful house with views of the mountains.

Anyways, I'm way outta my comfort zone, but I know I can do this with the right team.

Sadly, my depression wants to tag along, and see how everything goes.

It's been whispering to me things like:

"You're not experienced enough."

"You're to tired all the time."

"This is out of your league."

It wants to drive the bus quite badly.

Here's the thing, I'm not going to let that happen.

It's time for me to stand up and shout:

"Alright everybody, quiet down for a minute!  Me and GOD are driving this bus! I am standing up to my responsibilities and getting to work everyday.  Me and my team will become an amazing landscape company.  I am not afraid of the content's of my mind and I will keep putting one foot in front of the other."

I also need to write out my fears, and make a plan for a successful season, and stick by it.  I think that the depression has gotten fat off my fears and uncertainties, and the more I throw myself into work the less food for the little guy.

And I need to stop fighting with him.  He's the unhappy kid on the bus, he's got enough problems.
Over analyzing him isn't helping either, it's making him disproportionately large, and crowding out any room for joy.

Anyways, I'm keeping my hopes up that one day very soon, all 69 front yards of the mansions will look great, the flowers will be blooming, and my depression can go back to being the quiet kid on the bus again.

I have no idea who this happy human is...