Time to Refocus

For the last three weeks, my depression monster has gotten huge.  I pretty much let him run the show everyday.  He tells me there's no hope of feeling good that day, and makes every minute and hour seem excruciating.

I feel sorry for myself.  I think of everything he's taken from me.  My joy, my passion, my identity.
I sit there watching my life go by, feeling powerless to do anything.

I disregard most ideas of things that might help, because my mood is at a 3 out of 10, and I want to be at a 7, so and improvement of .5 seems irrelevant.

It's pretty easy to give up in the face of this beast.  Especially if I'm expecting a big shift in mood overnight.  It's pretty easy to feel like this is all life is and will ever be.

I'd say I've almost given up, but there's a small part of me that wants to get some perspective and come at this from a different angle.

If I can't feel good today, maybe I can feel ok, by serving my healthy self and my future.

In brain scans of depression, entire regions of the brain are not functioning, so I need some help to get to where I want to be.

I'm going to see my old counsellor on Monday, and discuss what used to matter to me, so that I can actually schedule my life to reflect were I want to go, and figure out how to handle setbacks.

I can't handle the way I'm going right now, staying in bed till 11, agonising about another day and getting up to face a huge empty canvass.

In order to take my power back, I have to appreciate  that I even want to refocus.  I may not be able to get back on track today, but I can start to think about what it might look like to live a life of recovery from depression, instead of a life consumed by the beast.

All I know is that doing the minimum is not making me feel to great.  But I need to understand that I'm deeply disappointed that I am facing this again, and have been really focusing on what I've lost, and what I can't do, and all the pain and momentum depression has gained in the past.

I've gotta believe that the 60-70% of the time I've been well in the last 10 years has some momentum as well.  That all the good habits, the successes, and the changes I've made have not been in vain.

That even though it doesn't seem relevant at this time, this depression has given me another insight into what a trigger stress and change and responsibility are for this disorder.

In the face of this depression, nothing I was going through before was worth stressing about.  The petty arguments about how to mow a lawn professionally, or who to hire, or money seem so irrelevant at this time. My ego gets me into a lot of trouble.  If I could have prevented the overuse of neurotransmitters  and the racing thoughts I might still be feeling ok.  Hindsight is 20/20.

My hope for today is that I can accept where I am, and make small goals to move forward.  I need to realize that even doing things that make me feel neutral towards the pain, like exercise or art or work are far better than getting eaten alive by the depression.

This will eventually subside, but until than, I'm going to have to figure out what I'm capable of contributing towards a better tomorrow.