Hijacked by the Depression Monster!

At AA, when people complain about their live's, someone will say something like,

Get in kids, I wanna show you this downward spiral you might like.

"Who's driving the bus?"

Basically saying that people are not being guided by a higher power, and are going about life in their own narrow minded way and getting into trouble.

God is supposed to drive the bus, or guide us along.

Well anyways, I can see why its a bus, not a sports car or a minivan.  Thats because I have so many different sides of myself riding along.

I think my depression is always on my bus, but sometimes it's quiet, and I almost forget it's there.
Lately, I feel like its one of the loudest kids on the bus, and I just want to kick it off in the middle of nowhere and tell it to get bent.  Turns out the little guy will be at the next stop, waiting to get back on.

So what's a girl to do?

Well I've been analyzing the situation, and I definitely notice that often, when I'm presented with a challenge, especially around work, my go to place is inadequacy and self doubt, and I really have to rally back with all my strength to keep from getting depressed.  I worry and get down on myself, without even realizing what I'm doing and sometimes depression takes the wheel for abit.  

I don't know why that is, I've always excelled at school, and gotten along well with people.  I have struggled bit with getting fired from jobs I hated anyways for being passive aggressive.

But I've never been fired from landscaping.

Anyways, long story short, I now own 50% of a landscaping company.  We are maintaining the nicest neighbourhood in Calgary and possibly Western Canada. I am excited and terrified.
I've hired 6 people, and we're gonna be starting full time in less than 2 weeks.

God has a sense of humour anyways...less than 2 years ago I was riding my bike to clients houses, with tools in my backpack.  I had no license (fear) and rented a room in a strangers house.  I told Sean I wanted my own maintenance company.  Well, I guess I should-a watched for what I asked for.
Now we have a lucrative contract with a great developer and tons of room to grow.  I own a beautiful house with views of the mountains.

Anyways, I'm way outta my comfort zone, but I know I can do this with the right team.

Sadly, my depression wants to tag along, and see how everything goes.

It's been whispering to me things like:

"You're not experienced enough."

"You're to tired all the time."

"This is out of your league."

It wants to drive the bus quite badly.

Here's the thing, I'm not going to let that happen.

It's time for me to stand up and shout:

"Alright everybody, quiet down for a minute!  Me and GOD are driving this bus! I am standing up to my responsibilities and getting to work everyday.  Me and my team will become an amazing landscape company.  I am not afraid of the content's of my mind and I will keep putting one foot in front of the other."

I also need to write out my fears, and make a plan for a successful season, and stick by it.  I think that the depression has gotten fat off my fears and uncertainties, and the more I throw myself into work the less food for the little guy.

And I need to stop fighting with him.  He's the unhappy kid on the bus, he's got enough problems.
Over analyzing him isn't helping either, it's making him disproportionately large, and crowding out any room for joy.

Anyways, I'm keeping my hopes up that one day very soon, all 69 front yards of the mansions will look great, the flowers will be blooming, and my depression can go back to being the quiet kid on the bus again.

I have no idea who this happy human is...