Depressed Again?!?What am I missing?

 I haven't wanted to blog for a few days.  I wanted to have all the answers about preventing and managing depression, and I wanted a linear, upwards recovery.  I have been pretty dismayed at the power my depression still carries.  At this point, it's with me 24/7 and there's very little relief.  Life hasn't stopped or slowed down, and I feel like its taking all the energy I have to just do the minimum that is required of me.

I started work, and I am a manager, and an owner of a landscape company.  I am really lucky to have a partner, because there's no way I could keep 6 people working all day.  I had to drive our manager home and I could't understand how I kept up a conversation with all the negativity between my ears.

I got home and was literally shaking from having to keep it together, and I crawled into bed and played there motionless, letting my nerves settle.

A couple of days ago, I went to the psychiatrist that I complain about on here all the time. I hated him because I wanted to do recovery my way.  I thought I was right, and I knew all the answers.  To be honest, I do have alot figured out. I'm a decent mid wave sized surfer.  I can't handle huge depression waves any better than the next guy, so I started listening.

Its a horrible, nerve wrecking experience, having depression.  I feel heavy, drained, slow, and devoid of any personality or interest in life.  And that't the baseline. The best I can do.  Then comes all the judgement, fear and insecurity it causes.

Another thing, positive thinking is a very frustrating concept to me.  Some one close to me likes to say: "Your thought become things, chose the good ones."

I f****ng hate that shit.  It's great for normal people, but doesn't have much clout with bipolar depression.  Its good to be somewhat positive and accept being at the depressed baseline and try to do things that may help.  But its even hard to stat at a baseline, because every situation that I would normally navigate with ease is painfully difficult and suffocating.

I got prescribed lithium.  I thought this was gonna be the end of the world, but Im actually bit relieved.  My doctor believes that the mood stabilizer I'm taking is only good for depression, and everything else I'm taking is useless or making things worse.  He really does believe I can get down to 2 drugs from 5, but I gotta get stable first.

I'm kinda mad. I thought I was doing pretty well.  The trouble is that I'm used to being bipolar, and it doesn't really look like what I read about in magazines.  No super manic, lose all control reckless behaviour.

Its more like not being able to chill.  I can do all kinds of relaxation stuff, but I can't turn off all the random thoughts, and the feelings and emotions that come along for the ride.
It's also anxiety, that was weaving its way into almost everyday in the last few months.

Sean said, if I'm nervous about the landscape season, you're probably 10 times more nervous.
I'm starting to think I'm experiencing 10 times more any of given emotion when I'm not depressed.
I'm just learned how to contain all go this excess, because I thought it was who I was or normal.

Anyways, I'm just trying to let my nervous system relax, and let the lithium help repair some of the damage.  This is a long road to wellness, but I'm not giving up.