Recovery Means Letting go of Toxic People-Annnnd Shutting down Tinder!

Well this post has been along time coming.  I didn't know how to write it because I didn't know if I could change, and free myself from the bondage I found myself wrapped up in.

I left a codependant relationship, and found myself single for a year and a half.
I desperately wanted love and validation from the opposite sex.  I wanted a man to save me, help me deal with feelings of inadequacy, fear of running a business, and loneliness.

I got really lost looking outside myself for something I needed to give myself.
Deep wounds of an emotionally ambivalent father caused me to chase emotionally unavailable men.
I started to take it all personally, and felt more and more unlovable and unworthy.

For over a year, I let a man I was in love with tell me he was a commitment phobe and refuse to date me, giving me the friends with benefits title.  He gave me just enough to keep hanging around. It was soul destroying and awful.  He was never going to honour me, and his lifestyle of being high or drunk when he wasn't working didn't help the situation.  I was so angry, I found recovery, but this person had no interest in changing.  I kept looking to him to change his life and show me I was worth something. It never happened and probably never will.

That set the bar pretty low for what I expected and tolerated, and Tinder brought me to a new rock bottom.  I think men can sense our vulnerability and lack of self love.  Looking for love in all the wrong places.  Men would literally tell me they were to busy to go for coffee but would be happy to tie me up to their bed.  A couple of empty hookups, and a 25 year old literally running out the front door after we hooked up was a pretty big wake up call.

They never wanted to get to know me, they wanted a conquest.  So I deleted Tinder, and started doing the 12 Steps around relationships.  The hardest relationship to mend will be the one with myself.
I let myself be so open and vulnerable and got used.  Today I finally hung out with someone that was genuine and wanted to get to know me.  It's a relief, but I'm gonna have to go slow, and start believing I deserve better, and pray that I've learned my lesson.

Emotionally unavailable people can be beautiful, charming and extremely sexually appealing, but at the end of the day, theres no substance, and honestly their lack of integrity and ability to value themselves or another person beyond a superficial hook up doesn't feed my soul.

Finding Peace After Anxiety

I believe that peace of mind is one of the most precious things on earth.  Its something I don't value until its gone.  The stress of the last week has pushed be to my breaking point, and only God knows how I'm going to get through this.

Anyone with mental illness knows how terrifying the human experience can be, when our mind turns on us and we become our own worst enemy.  All serenity is lost and the truth of God's grace and love is completely clouded by fear, anxiety and powerlessness.  Its like getting stuck in a riptide or a giant wave and getting pummelled around, suffocating for air.

I've worked incredibly hard this week to keep a couple of dozen clients happy, to do landscape design under tight schedules, get spring clean ups done, and deal with revenue Canada.  I couldn't get out of my head, there was always one more lose end to tie up.  The overwhelming feeling that this would continue indefinately wade heavy on me. My nervous system was in fight, flight or freeze response and I didn't feel like a human being, just a human doing.

Within a couple days of this constant over stimulus, a secondary, much scarier process kicked in, horrible depressive rumination.  I've been constantly bombarded with,

"You're not strong enough to survive in this world"
"You're Failing"
"You're can't shift out of this mindset you're going to fall again."
"Your not as capable as people without mental illness"
"This feeling will never leave"

There's nothing scarier than a brain thats threatening to shut down 75% of its mental capacity.

Yet somehow I made it through.  My higher self cut through all of the anguish, and spoke to my scared inner child, telling me,

"Everyone gets overwhelmed sometimes, everything going to be ok...."
"You're doing your best..."
"I'm sorry this is happening, its ok to be angry, to cry to reach out...."
"You're safe....nothing bad is going to happen...."

I'm still shook up, my history with depression has been devastating, but somehow I've found some peace tonight.  When my mind gives up on me, I have to surrender, let it pass and try to get grounded in a better reality.
I think my spirit is stronger than my mind.  It knows I can find balance this season between doing yard work and doing recovery.  It knows how proud I am that I keep overcoming these challenges.
It encourages me to take comfort in a burning candle, the sunset over the mountains or watching the cats decide whether they should jump off the balcony.  So just for tonight, I trust my spirit, and I trust the process and stop giving those terrible episodes more credit than they deserve.  I want to find mastery and I will, if I keep doing my best and letting my higher power guide my thoughts away from the past episodes and all my fears, and focus on my strength and resiliency. Shalom.

Alien Princess, Life as a Spiritual Being Having a Human Experience

Another day on planet earth,what a fucking drag.  The sun comes up, orbits around the planet and the moon rises.  365 days a year until I die or an orbit crashes down on my house.  Sometimes I wish it would.  My suburban hell hole is situated ontop of a vista overlooking the mountains.  The wind shakes this crafty cardboard palace, my earthship.

I have it good, by earth standards.  I live like a mother fucking princess.  I have a wicked truck, tons of crystals, sectionals for days, creature comforts and two hilarious cats.  I also live with a boss fairy,
she's fucking awesome.  Her life game is strong, I gave her two certificates of excellence, one for "life skills and being awesome" and the other one for "being a babe and scoring."

So why am I such a grumpy, moody, bratty baby monster?

Easy, I must have been an alien princess, dropped off on earth as a baby.  I've been waiting for 35 years to be returned to my home planet.  The idea of doing a life sentence in this flesh body is overwhelming.  I want to finish my mission and return to my home planet or heaven or whatever.

People say I'm an earth angel.  They say I'm a stargate.  An alien send here to study human energy patterns and transcend darkness into light.  Holy fuck what an order!

Well some days I resent being given a mental disorders to find mastery over....
I actually can't believe my creator thought I was bad ass enough to live well with bi-polar and ADHD. That I'd find a way to ignore the broken mind I've inherited and transcend the pain and suffering of some bad wiring and being incredibly sensitive.

I'm mad as hell that after 5 days of constant stress at work staring off my landscape season, my default is to want to start to spiral downwards, and that I literally have very little control over the horrible thoughts and feelings that start to surface.  My only defence is to stop analyzing those little bastards when I'm in a low state, refocus on anything, and see them as a symptom of stress not a permanent reality.  I know they are the shadows of low self esteem, childhood bullying, missing skills from childhood in terms of self validation and affirmation and a brain that goes off into fight, flight or freeze response to easily...

Anyways, my mission and everyones mission if they choose to accept it is to work towards finding a way to live well in-spite of the hardships of the human condition.  Its to be able to ask for help when we need it and to be able to help others that are suffering especially those with a similar plight.

So it looks like I'm gonna be here for awhile, navigating ugly low spots while aspiring towards lofty goals and moving towards mastery of my unique challenges and gifts.  Some days I sure wish that when they call my name at IKEA it's because the aliens have returned to bring me home, not just give me back my cell phone.  So I'll just do the best I can and stay strong knowing one day I'll be able to guide others in living well with various mental afflictions, because I learn the most from my tribe!

Feeling Stuck

I always wanted to write a happy ending to my story. I just haven't found mine yet.  Im so upset that everything I've done so far hasn't given me any respite from recurrent episodes of depression.

I worked hard all summer landscaping and than got snow removal contracts to make my business viable all year round. Since second guessing my ability to provide for myself was one of the major themes that was bothering me I thought that overcoming this milestone would finally create a path of clear sailing. I felt minor symptoms of depression but I was happy that I was still working and still moving forward. I didn't find balance at that time and was using nicotine and redouble to help me cope with stress.

All the stress of worrying about winter work and second guessing my ability to run a bobcat and get up early to fulfill the contracts started getting to me.  I got through the first snow day pretty easily but I was miserable, proving to myself that I could succeed couldn't turn back the fact that my brain had shut down to feeling and connection and I was once again just surviving.  I started losing control of my thinking and emotions.  The world started closing in on me again. 

My whole life has become a response to depression.  I haven't been able to get out of bed lately until 1:30. By the time I get going, I know depression has won and I feel so powerless and defeated.

I maybe get 2 positive activities done in a day.  I'll go work out and do some art.  I hardly speak to anyone because I can't get out of this grey mindset and hold a conversation.

I want to do better.  I don't want to hide and let this monster win.  I want to believe that this is just a minor setback.  I just can't tell because it always feels awful.  Its stolen years of my life and when it comes around I just want to disappear.  I'm ashamed of myself for dealing with the same struggle over and over again.  I don't want to hear that its going to get better or its going to be ok, I want it to be ok right now. I don't like not knowing how long this is going to last.  I don't like just surviving, its not a life, it feels like a horrible punishment.

So right now I'm letting myself grieve for the loss of control I'm experiencing.  I have given everything and still ended up stuck.  I can only hope that creating a framework for a better life will eventually pay off and I'll feel that sense of accomplishment once this passes.  I have to live for the moments that remind me my spirit is still there even if it feels tiny.  

The Art Of Surrender

After 10 years of recovery, I can often forget what it means to "surrender my life and will" over to the care of my higher power.  It made sense when I first quit drinking and doing drugs.  My life was a nightmare, I lived in a creepy basement suite with rainbow coloured walls and guinea pig droppings in the spare room.  My drinking was insane, and I was no longer able to sweep it under the rug, windows where getting smashed, I was getting punched in the face,  fighting with the police and generally being a nuisance to myself, my family and society. 

Luckily for me, at 24 I landed in rehab, and was brainwashed into clean living.  I don't regret changing that aspect of my life for one moment.  I don't miss drugs or alcohol or the chaos that insued.  My life, my goals and my mental health aren't worth playing with, because I don't want to lose and that lifestyle could kill me.  

Today the word surrender is more vital than ever.  As a human being and a recovering alcoholic, there are so many things in life I find challenging.  I want things to go my way, and I struggle when theres conflict and challenge.  As long as I struggle to accept my current reality life is painful.

When I don't like the way people are acting, and take it personally, I hurt.  When my bank account balance is low, and I don't have winter work lined up, I panic.  When I wonder I'll ever love being single, my heart hurts. When I hate the fact that in spite of 10 years of counselling I  still have alot of negative self talk, and a hard time controlling my moodiness,  I feel powerless.

So much low vibe garbage, that is not serving me or my loved ones.

In order to have a good day, I have to let go of the past, and believe I made the best decisions I could with what I knew at the time.  I have to forgive myself for being imperfect.

I need to look at each problem and decide what I can do about it, and let go of the outcome.  

Here's some classic recovery jargon that makes sense:

"Faith without works is dead" 

"Magic is good for fairies and Elves, but God helps those that help themselves."

ADHD doesn't resolve itself over night.  Neither does depression, low self esteem or negative core beliefs.  Sadly, these mental issues can seem harder for me when I'm the process of growth and change.  I'm not always great at being my own cheerleader, I'm pretty aggressive and ruthless with myself at times.

All I know is that God is greater than whatever challenges I am  facing, and I need to stop trying to wrestle my problems into submission, because its exhausting and counter productive.  When I face my problems head on, do something productive about them and surrender the outcome I am set free from the bondage of self.  When I accept that I can't change my mistakes from the past and I have to start everyday from where I'm at without harsh judgement, I have a chance to be happy.

All I want in this life is to find inner peace and a big part of that is surrendering to the present and focusing on what is working in my life.  Once I find that positive momentum, the problems no longer seem so insurmountable, because I've let go of needing to control outcomes, and usually what God or the Universe has in store for me is much better than what I would have come up with on my own.

Waking Up...

Its 7:07 am, and I'm drinking coffee.  This doesn't really sound remarkable, but after 2 months of struggling to get out of bed by noon, its a small feat.  Did I do anything differently? Did I will myself out of depression?  Nope, not really.  I just woke up, realized I didn't feel nearly as burdened and decided to get up and write instead of shirking back to bed.

Depression is an epic nightmare.  The nicest people try to relate, telling you to manifest better mental health. They give you strategies for mountain climbing, which is a difficult sport, but they can't see that you have an invisible 50 pound weight attached to your back.  They see life like mountain climbing, which is tough for beginners and give you the pep talk they'd give any beginner.
They don't understand that without depression, you'd crush anything you took on, they just use their frame of reference.

They say 1 in 5 people may experience depression.  I've talked to hundreds of people and I think that's true, but I think the stats are that high because they're talking about situational depression.  You lose the career you've strived for, you lose your life partner, you are shaken to the core and you need to re establish meaning....

I think about 5-10% of people know the gut wrenching, inexplicable pain of having depression that lingers, in spite of treatment, sometimes for months, sometimes for years. An insidious all encompassing mental illness that can return with very little provocation.   There are those who tell me they get it, that it's hell in spite of everything, that it's one painful step in front of the other despite the unrelenting suffering of having a brain that isn't fully functioning and certainly isn't generating any feelings of contentment even when stimulated.  It's like looking up at the other mountain climbers, wanting to ascend but feeling unable to get anywhere substantial.  Maybe getting 10-20 feet up the wall with all the weight to constantly lose your footing in the same spot.

Today I'm still uncertain as to whether I'm getting out of the woods.  My favourite Reiki master texted me out of the blue yesterday morning and reminded me I basically have to surrender.  I've done what I can, I've sought medical treatment, tried a few alternative measures and gone to counselling.  I've shown up for my life despite all the pain it's caused me to not feel like I'm really participating.

Time and powerful concepts like surrender,  and realizing I've done everything I can, are what it takes to make things easier.  Its watching those other mountain climbers and realizing they have no frame of reference for how hard I'm struggling.  The fact that anyone with depression is even showing up despite the lack of understanding of an invisible illness is strength beyond comprehension for the average person.

Yesterday I stopped going over my treatment plan for the 10000th time.  I just gave myself credit that I wasn't being a wimp, and that it wasn't my fault that I didn't know how to get the 50 pound weight off my shoulders.  I'll do the same today, and with any luck this thing is shifting.  If not, the gift of not feeling burdened, even for a few minutes is an inexplicable comfort, and a source of strength to keep putting one foot infront of the other....

Darn I can't get past this spot.....

Am I backsliding?

I had a difficult week.  It's 3:30 on Sunday and I just got out of bed.  My whole life has become a reaction to depression, its all consuming.  Im scared I'm gonna let this continue.

My Dad got on me last week about my depression.  Told me basically I needed better help, and thought maybe I needed to go to rehab for doing ketamine at a Doctor's office.  He found me a psychologist to talk to who specializes in addiction and mental health who I ironically already see.  Looks like the universe is telling me that I'm doing my part on the whole getting help scene.  I also signed up for genetic testing for antidepressants because I've tried prozac, zoloft, select, cipralex, effexor, and cymbalta and had them stop working in 6-9 months.  So I'm either bipolar, with mostly recurrent depression,  or have super treatment resistant depression.

So the psychologist didn't have any easy answers for me either.  She told me I was doing well, because I was still landscaping, i.e. cleaning up millionaires yards, exercising, eating well etc.
She said I should pray for patience, and try to accept these downtimes as part of my life and a time of reflection. She told me staying somewhat  functional and not making things worse was winning and that I was actually doing a good job.

I guess I already knew that, but theres a little kid inside me that wants Jeanne back so bad.  She doesn't want to wait and be patient and have faith Jeanne's coming back.  After 8 weeks she wonders if my spirit is ever gonna return.  Staying in bed seems better than having to push through a difficult and troubling existence.

The hardest part of this week was doing an art market on Friday.  I actually think that set me back alot.   I had hoped I might connect to people or make some sales and I did neither.  I struggled to engage people in conversation or make eye contact.  I'd made beautiful things but it felt like my art was as dreary as I was, that it was somehow infested with depression as well.  I was so tired and discouraged I didn't return the next day.  The fact that something that made me so happy in the recent past was a source anguish and hopelessness was unbearable.

In some ways my depression is winning.  Its telling me nothing makes me feel better so why bother.  That it's better to stay in bed all day than to face another dreary day.  But maybe there was some value in giving in for awhile.  Its exhausting constantly pushing myself to do more than the minimum and keep up with my landscaping commitments.  Its awful because I don't get more than a 3% increase in mood, and it's not accumulative day in and day out.

But that 3% is worth something.  Even if my body, mind, soul are all consumed by depression, the fact that I'm rebelling enough to keep moving is winning.  I really hate schedules, but I think making one this week might be worthwhile.....I think everyday instead of sleeping 12-14 hours and working 6, I need to set up some better activities like swimming, yoga, painting etc.

When I'm doing stuff I used to love, I'll get glimpses of myself, and maybe forget I'm depressed for a minute or two as a marvel at the light dancing at the bottom of the pool, or trying to swim faster than the kids in swim club.  When I'm painting, I'll surprise myself with my ability to mix colors and manipulate space, light and shadows.

Pyschologists teach people to realize they have thought distortions, and to address them.  I used to think that if I did that, my depression would disappear.  Either I'm terrible at it, or I had the wrong objective.  Changing my thoughts doesn't get rid of my depression, because that was never the cause in the first place.  I'm a pretty positive person when I'm not experiencing an episode.  I'm honest with whats going on for me, I go to 12 step meetings, I discuss my thoughts and perceptions with wiser souls and can laugh at myself.

So the real challenge is to have different expectations from watching my thoughts.  It means not comparing what I can do when I'm well to what I'm doing now, and feeling like I'm coming up short.  It's being proud of myself for doing what I can to contribute to life, even if it's only 40-50% of what I could do before.  It means not beating myself up for being so withdrawn and antisocial.
It's realizing that I'm still here and I may not feel purposeful but the fact that I'm alive and breathing means I have more to learn and contribute to life.  So checking my thoughts isn't getting rid of the depression, its about not letting it get worse, so that it's easier to break free when this illness has run it's course. It's about making my life more bearable.

It does feel better to contribute in some small way than to hide in bed.  The guilt and shame of giving into depression make days like today harder, not easier.  It takes it's toll and the message that this is futile really takes over.  Even as I write this, I'm telling myself I don't have the energy to pull myself together and figure out how to be functional next week.  Its gonna be hard to get myself back in order, but I need to reign this in, and fight back.


The idea of planning meals and going grocery shopping sounds like running a marathon, but I'm going to do it today.  I'm going to go to the pool.  I'll come up with a plan  to honour the commitments I made for landscaping next week and get a few things ready for the next art sale, on Friday, which is shorter and my sister plans to help me with.

I don't think any of this is easy, backsliding is way easier.  But it's also very painful, because I'm losing ground to my illness, and I'm giving up the small amount of power I have.  My mind is telling me it's not worth fighting to stay in the same place, but in reality the further I let my life slide into disarray, the more work its gonna take to get back on track.

Art always comes through even in the darkness.