Finding Peace After Anxiety

I believe that peace of mind is one of the most precious things on earth.  Its something I don't value until its gone.  The stress of the last week has pushed be to my breaking point, and only God knows how I'm going to get through this.

Anyone with mental illness knows how terrifying the human experience can be, when our mind turns on us and we become our own worst enemy.  All serenity is lost and the truth of God's grace and love is completely clouded by fear, anxiety and powerlessness.  Its like getting stuck in a riptide or a giant wave and getting pummelled around, suffocating for air.

I've worked incredibly hard this week to keep a couple of dozen clients happy, to do landscape design under tight schedules, get spring clean ups done, and deal with revenue Canada.  I couldn't get out of my head, there was always one more lose end to tie up.  The overwhelming feeling that this would continue indefinately wade heavy on me. My nervous system was in fight, flight or freeze response and I didn't feel like a human being, just a human doing.

Within a couple days of this constant over stimulus, a secondary, much scarier process kicked in, horrible depressive rumination.  I've been constantly bombarded with,

"You're not strong enough to survive in this world"
"You're Failing"
"You're can't shift out of this mindset you're going to fall again."
"Your not as capable as people without mental illness"
"This feeling will never leave"

There's nothing scarier than a brain thats threatening to shut down 75% of its mental capacity.

Yet somehow I made it through.  My higher self cut through all of the anguish, and spoke to my scared inner child, telling me,

"Everyone gets overwhelmed sometimes, everything going to be ok...."
"You're doing your best..."
"I'm sorry this is happening, its ok to be angry, to cry to reach out...."
"You're safe....nothing bad is going to happen...."

I'm still shook up, my history with depression has been devastating, but somehow I've found some peace tonight.  When my mind gives up on me, I have to surrender, let it pass and try to get grounded in a better reality.
I think my spirit is stronger than my mind.  It knows I can find balance this season between doing yard work and doing recovery.  It knows how proud I am that I keep overcoming these challenges.
It encourages me to take comfort in a burning candle, the sunset over the mountains or watching the cats decide whether they should jump off the balcony.  So just for tonight, I trust my spirit, and I trust the process and stop giving those terrible episodes more credit than they deserve.  I want to find mastery and I will, if I keep doing my best and letting my higher power guide my thoughts away from the past episodes and all my fears, and focus on my strength and resiliency. Shalom.