Recovery Means Letting go of Toxic People-Annnnd Shutting down Tinder!

Well this post has been along time coming.  I didn't know how to write it because I didn't know if I could change, and free myself from the bondage I found myself wrapped up in.

I left a codependant relationship, and found myself single for a year and a half.
I desperately wanted love and validation from the opposite sex.  I wanted a man to save me, help me deal with feelings of inadequacy, fear of running a business, and loneliness.

I got really lost looking outside myself for something I needed to give myself.
Deep wounds of an emotionally ambivalent father caused me to chase emotionally unavailable men.
I started to take it all personally, and felt more and more unlovable and unworthy.

For over a year, I let a man I was in love with tell me he was a commitment phobe and refuse to date me, giving me the friends with benefits title.  He gave me just enough to keep hanging around. It was soul destroying and awful.  He was never going to honour me, and his lifestyle of being high or drunk when he wasn't working didn't help the situation.  I was so angry, I found recovery, but this person had no interest in changing.  I kept looking to him to change his life and show me I was worth something. It never happened and probably never will.

That set the bar pretty low for what I expected and tolerated, and Tinder brought me to a new rock bottom.  I think men can sense our vulnerability and lack of self love.  Looking for love in all the wrong places.  Men would literally tell me they were to busy to go for coffee but would be happy to tie me up to their bed.  A couple of empty hookups, and a 25 year old literally running out the front door after we hooked up was a pretty big wake up call.

They never wanted to get to know me, they wanted a conquest.  So I deleted Tinder, and started doing the 12 Steps around relationships.  The hardest relationship to mend will be the one with myself.
I let myself be so open and vulnerable and got used.  Today I finally hung out with someone that was genuine and wanted to get to know me.  It's a relief, but I'm gonna have to go slow, and start believing I deserve better, and pray that I've learned my lesson.

Emotionally unavailable people can be beautiful, charming and extremely sexually appealing, but at the end of the day, theres no substance, and honestly their lack of integrity and ability to value themselves or another person beyond a superficial hook up doesn't feed my soul.