Being ok with not feeling ok..

As much as I hate to admit it to myself, I'm definitely not ok with being depressed.  I struggle with it on
a moment to moment, hour to hour, day to day basis.  I think part of this lack of acceptance is making things worse.  I'm never really comfortable with my experience.

Why should I be?  We live in a fix it world, there has to be some supplement, some medication some magical thought, a mantra that can wash this all away.

What if there isn't? What if this is something that I'm going to have to live with, for extended periods of time?  How can I embrace this experience, the long hours of nothingness and sadness?
How can I justify being here? Am I only worthy if I feel connected and happy?

How can I accept sitting on the sidelines of life, and not really participating?

What if I don't really have a choice? What if this really is the best I can do right now, just go through the motions and take some satisfaction in the small labours I complete?

Can I accept that this is it for me right now?

Its really hard.  I have family members voices and positive psychology telling me that I can just adopt a positive attitude, or believe in my own power to change the situation.  That mind is more powerful than the body.

There's nothing situationally wrong to fix.  I don't know why I feel this way. Being told I'm bipolar only helps so much. There's still no physical test that can prove that there's something wrong.

I'm not ok with any of this, and that's sinking my spirits even lower.  I don't like the quiet, mellow, passive person I am right now, and that's making things worse.

I don't know why I hate my depressive side so much.  She gets up everyday, and tries to make a difference, tries to heal. She goes to countless doctors appointments and therapy sessions.  She walks, runs, she eats well. She keeps doing the next right thing, even if it doesn't make much difference.
 

She goes about her life so empty and alone, but she keeps going. She silently endures the disappointment, the frustration, and the insufferable weight of this illness. She keeps fighting, she keeps trying.

I've tried everything I can think of to pull myself out of this, and I'm still here waiting for some improvement.  I don't have a lot of hope, but I know we're all there for some reason, and that if I'm still here, still breathing, then my story isn't over.

It just sucks being stuck in this moment, and I don't like this chapter very much.  Recovery seems like
such a lofty goal, that all I really want is to find some compassion, some understanding for myself.  I want to just accept what I'm going through, and learn of be ok with not feeling ok.

The hardest parts of being depressed....

There is nothing really easy about being depressed.

To me, it feels like I am just a shell, waiting for my former self to return.

I go through the motions, barely able to perform basic functions, and feeling empty and devoid of any sentiment.

For someone who really enjoys people and is quite extroverted, I'm really saddened by the fact I can't carry a conversation or feel comfortable around anyone other than my fiancé.  Its draining and frustrating to watch myself wanting to engage and being completely unable to do so.  Its so hard, because I know that I'm not always like this, but I can't access the part of me that feels connected or joyful about the human experience.

If we are all energetic beings and we connect to each other at certain frequencies, my frequency is almost inaudible, and this is a very lonely place to be.

I am usually really connected to God, and go through the day seeing signs that I am on the right path, and that I am manifesting the life that I want.  I'll think about something and it will appear in front of me within days, or a stranger will tell me something that I needed to hear.  I'm able to journey in my mind and meditate and come up with insights and answers.

When I'm depressed, and I need spirituality the most, I hear nothing.  The silence is deafening.  Its like God has gone on vacation, and I'm awaiting his return.

It almost makes me angry, and I feel like Job in the Bible, alone and tormented, praying and hearing nothing.  Worse, everyone blames Job for his suffering.  I have people in my family that act like this is a choice, and I would never choose to live like this.

So how do I make sense of this?  Well, looking for a sense of fairness does nothing to alleviate this pain.  I really think this condition is just as bad as loosing a limb, having cancer, or any other major health burden. Maybe life isn't really all that fair after all.   I just keep hoping that one day, all this suffering can be transmuted into something beautiful and life-giving that can help other people.

I try to be optimistic about the medical treatments I'm doing, and some days are better then others.

I've just been down this road so many times and waiting for medications or rtms to work is exhausting.  I just have to believe that treating bipolar instead of depression may be a road out of this suffering, but only time will tell. It's just that stuck in this moment, its pretty hard to see progress.

But mostly, I just wait.  Wait for my brain to come back online.  I try to believe that God would try to reach me and comfort me if possible, but that the phone lines are down for maintenance.   This is my challenge, to keep believing, even when my world looks the darkest, and the smallest.  To keep yearning for more, even when I can't feel anything.  

Depression actually makes me realize what a spiritual being I must be, because if I hadn't felt so full of God's grace, than the absence wouldn't be so painful.  

Time to Refocus

For the last three weeks, my depression monster has gotten huge.  I pretty much let him run the show everyday.  He tells me there's no hope of feeling good that day, and makes every minute and hour seem excruciating.

I feel sorry for myself.  I think of everything he's taken from me.  My joy, my passion, my identity.
I sit there watching my life go by, feeling powerless to do anything.

I disregard most ideas of things that might help, because my mood is at a 3 out of 10, and I want to be at a 7, so and improvement of .5 seems irrelevant.

It's pretty easy to give up in the face of this beast.  Especially if I'm expecting a big shift in mood overnight.  It's pretty easy to feel like this is all life is and will ever be.

I'd say I've almost given up, but there's a small part of me that wants to get some perspective and come at this from a different angle.

If I can't feel good today, maybe I can feel ok, by serving my healthy self and my future.

In brain scans of depression, entire regions of the brain are not functioning, so I need some help to get to where I want to be.

I'm going to see my old counsellor on Monday, and discuss what used to matter to me, so that I can actually schedule my life to reflect were I want to go, and figure out how to handle setbacks.

I can't handle the way I'm going right now, staying in bed till 11, agonising about another day and getting up to face a huge empty canvass.

In order to take my power back, I have to appreciate  that I even want to refocus.  I may not be able to get back on track today, but I can start to think about what it might look like to live a life of recovery from depression, instead of a life consumed by the beast.

All I know is that doing the minimum is not making me feel to great.  But I need to understand that I'm deeply disappointed that I am facing this again, and have been really focusing on what I've lost, and what I can't do, and all the pain and momentum depression has gained in the past.

I've gotta believe that the 60-70% of the time I've been well in the last 10 years has some momentum as well.  That all the good habits, the successes, and the changes I've made have not been in vain.

That even though it doesn't seem relevant at this time, this depression has given me another insight into what a trigger stress and change and responsibility are for this disorder.

In the face of this depression, nothing I was going through before was worth stressing about.  The petty arguments about how to mow a lawn professionally, or who to hire, or money seem so irrelevant at this time. My ego gets me into a lot of trouble.  If I could have prevented the overuse of neurotransmitters  and the racing thoughts I might still be feeling ok.  Hindsight is 20/20.

My hope for today is that I can accept where I am, and make small goals to move forward.  I need to realize that even doing things that make me feel neutral towards the pain, like exercise or art or work are far better than getting eaten alive by the depression.

This will eventually subside, but until than, I'm going to have to figure out what I'm capable of contributing towards a better tomorrow.

Depressed Again?!?What am I missing?

 I haven't wanted to blog for a few days.  I wanted to have all the answers about preventing and managing depression, and I wanted a linear, upwards recovery.  I have been pretty dismayed at the power my depression still carries.  At this point, it's with me 24/7 and there's very little relief.  Life hasn't stopped or slowed down, and I feel like its taking all the energy I have to just do the minimum that is required of me.

I started work, and I am a manager, and an owner of a landscape company.  I am really lucky to have a partner, because there's no way I could keep 6 people working all day.  I had to drive our manager home and I could't understand how I kept up a conversation with all the negativity between my ears.

I got home and was literally shaking from having to keep it together, and I crawled into bed and played there motionless, letting my nerves settle.

A couple of days ago, I went to the psychiatrist that I complain about on here all the time. I hated him because I wanted to do recovery my way.  I thought I was right, and I knew all the answers.  To be honest, I do have alot figured out. I'm a decent mid wave sized surfer.  I can't handle huge depression waves any better than the next guy, so I started listening.

Its a horrible, nerve wrecking experience, having depression.  I feel heavy, drained, slow, and devoid of any personality or interest in life.  And that't the baseline. The best I can do.  Then comes all the judgement, fear and insecurity it causes.

Another thing, positive thinking is a very frustrating concept to me.  Some one close to me likes to say: "Your thought become things, chose the good ones."

I f****ng hate that shit.  It's great for normal people, but doesn't have much clout with bipolar depression.  Its good to be somewhat positive and accept being at the depressed baseline and try to do things that may help.  But its even hard to stat at a baseline, because every situation that I would normally navigate with ease is painfully difficult and suffocating.

I got prescribed lithium.  I thought this was gonna be the end of the world, but Im actually bit relieved.  My doctor believes that the mood stabilizer I'm taking is only good for depression, and everything else I'm taking is useless or making things worse.  He really does believe I can get down to 2 drugs from 5, but I gotta get stable first.

I'm kinda mad. I thought I was doing pretty well.  The trouble is that I'm used to being bipolar, and it doesn't really look like what I read about in magazines.  No super manic, lose all control reckless behaviour.

Its more like not being able to chill.  I can do all kinds of relaxation stuff, but I can't turn off all the random thoughts, and the feelings and emotions that come along for the ride.
It's also anxiety, that was weaving its way into almost everyday in the last few months.

Sean said, if I'm nervous about the landscape season, you're probably 10 times more nervous.
I'm starting to think I'm experiencing 10 times more any of given emotion when I'm not depressed.
I'm just learned how to contain all go this excess, because I thought it was who I was or normal.

Anyways, I'm just trying to let my nervous system relax, and let the lithium help repair some of the damage.  This is a long road to wellness, but I'm not giving up.

Hijacked by the Depression Monster!

At AA, when people complain about their live's, someone will say something like,

Get in kids, I wanna show you this downward spiral you might like.

"Who's driving the bus?"

Basically saying that people are not being guided by a higher power, and are going about life in their own narrow minded way and getting into trouble.

God is supposed to drive the bus, or guide us along.

Well anyways, I can see why its a bus, not a sports car or a minivan.  Thats because I have so many different sides of myself riding along.

I think my depression is always on my bus, but sometimes it's quiet, and I almost forget it's there.
Lately, I feel like its one of the loudest kids on the bus, and I just want to kick it off in the middle of nowhere and tell it to get bent.  Turns out the little guy will be at the next stop, waiting to get back on.

So what's a girl to do?

Well I've been analyzing the situation, and I definitely notice that often, when I'm presented with a challenge, especially around work, my go to place is inadequacy and self doubt, and I really have to rally back with all my strength to keep from getting depressed.  I worry and get down on myself, without even realizing what I'm doing and sometimes depression takes the wheel for abit.  

I don't know why that is, I've always excelled at school, and gotten along well with people.  I have struggled bit with getting fired from jobs I hated anyways for being passive aggressive.

But I've never been fired from landscaping.

Anyways, long story short, I now own 50% of a landscaping company.  We are maintaining the nicest neighbourhood in Calgary and possibly Western Canada. I am excited and terrified.
I've hired 6 people, and we're gonna be starting full time in less than 2 weeks.

God has a sense of humour anyways...less than 2 years ago I was riding my bike to clients houses, with tools in my backpack.  I had no license (fear) and rented a room in a strangers house.  I told Sean I wanted my own maintenance company.  Well, I guess I should-a watched for what I asked for.
Now we have a lucrative contract with a great developer and tons of room to grow.  I own a beautiful house with views of the mountains.

Anyways, I'm way outta my comfort zone, but I know I can do this with the right team.

Sadly, my depression wants to tag along, and see how everything goes.

It's been whispering to me things like:

"You're not experienced enough."

"You're to tired all the time."

"This is out of your league."

It wants to drive the bus quite badly.

Here's the thing, I'm not going to let that happen.

It's time for me to stand up and shout:

"Alright everybody, quiet down for a minute!  Me and GOD are driving this bus! I am standing up to my responsibilities and getting to work everyday.  Me and my team will become an amazing landscape company.  I am not afraid of the content's of my mind and I will keep putting one foot in front of the other."

I also need to write out my fears, and make a plan for a successful season, and stick by it.  I think that the depression has gotten fat off my fears and uncertainties, and the more I throw myself into work the less food for the little guy.

And I need to stop fighting with him.  He's the unhappy kid on the bus, he's got enough problems.
Over analyzing him isn't helping either, it's making him disproportionately large, and crowding out any room for joy.

Anyways, I'm keeping my hopes up that one day very soon, all 69 front yards of the mansions will look great, the flowers will be blooming, and my depression can go back to being the quiet kid on the bus again.

I have no idea who this happy human is...

Overcoming depressive thinking….

I love playing in the ocean, and bodysurfing small waves.  I remember being a little kid and catching a huge wave that seemed to somersault me endlessly, before I was released on the shore.  When I watch big wave surfers, sometimes they get tossed off their surfboard by an unruly wave, only to catch a breath of air and get pummelled again. That's what depression feels like to me.

But I guess I have a choice in how I handle things don't I?

I can look at my life and lament, why does my mind send me sh*t waves? I wish that I was more like so and so…they're so uncomplicated and happy. 

I do that a lot, I wish I didn't have depressive thinking.

I also get stuck I'm my head a whole lot.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a victim and it's all to much, and nothing helps.

Well I'm at the point now where I can either say to myself, I'm sick of fighting, I'm not really improving, why don't I let my brain obsess about how bad I feel, and spiral downwards. I don't think normal people have any idea how scary and real this phenomenon can be and how convincing depression can be, it makes it seem like I don't have any other option.

I didn't ask for this, keep calm and carry on.

Today I feel like I'm definitely aways from the shore of sanity and good mental health, inspite of  my best attempts.

That being said, at times like these, I have to do the thing I find the hardest, find acceptance that I struggle with depression to varying degrees. The key is to have compassion for myself and respect for the strength and perseverance that it takes to manage this condition.  I didn't ask for this, and I'm doing the best I can at any given moment.

I need to notice it, and remove any judgement, and negative prophesizing about the outcome of my lower mood. 9 times of of 10 if I don't get dragged into the stories my mind creates or worry about how many DSM symptoms I'm experiencing, life goes back to normal.

I find reframing things helps.  So tonight I'm going to say to myself,

Everyone has bad days, that doesn't mean they get clinically depressed.

Arguing with your spouse is draining and does effect your mood.

Having serious engine problems with a truck from the auction sucks.

YOu got up at 5:45 am instead of 7:45, its normal to be tired.

And then remind myself of everything I'm doing well in life.  I t can be as simple as, I helped my fiancé get his truck. I went for a walk, I blogged it up! And then actually realize that's awesome given how I feel.

Tonight, I plan to get active, I decide ok, these feelings are not a deal breaker and I'm going to make dinner and go for a walk and not think about my mood for awhile. I  just notice its there in the background, and have some compassion or curiosity about how to improve things.

Oh ya and most importantly, I do my best with whatever tools I can muster up at the given moment that depression feels overwhelming, and ask my higher power to take the struggle from me.  I try to turn it over repeatedly to the God of my understanding.  I pray, "Please help me with this, I'm going the best I can and I still feel overwhelmed.  One of the hardest things is believing I've been heard and allowing God to take the struggle away so that I can feel some peace in the situation.  WE don't always get 100% instant relief, but I believe there is power in letting go of my attachment to the struggle.

Well I hope this helps and that I get thrown out of this wave I'm in and land on the shore.  Good luck everyone with your own challenges.

Jesus doesn't have to be your higher power, but he is pretty epic.

Authors Note:
After writing this, I made dinner and had a fit of depressive thinking, a horrible loop of:
Omg I'm thinking about my depression! Why can't I stop thinking about depression? I getting Depressed? 

It was horrible.

Something small inside me reminded me that:

These are just thoughts, silly words in my head.

If I wasn't getting so upset and analytical about the content of those thoughts, they are not much different that some benign thoughts like:

Should I buy that sweater? I want it but I think I should wait.  I don't want to wait, I want it now…

Or any other obsessive thinking….

So I kept my cool, and focused on my breath and the sound of my feet as I walked around the pond three times.

I thought about neurology and mindfulness, and that if I got my mind and emotions to a calmer state, it would be easier to shift my thoughts to something less frightening.  Gradually, my attention went back to my normal happy chatter….

And finally I got on my hands and knees and prayed….

If I hadn't written this article, I don't know if I would have had the strength to make that huge shift.

Thank you all and good night!

Spiritual Gifts-Discovering Your Personal Power to deal with Life's Challenges

I believe that each of us has spiritual resources beyond our wildest dreams to deal with life's challenges.  

To be honest, the fact that the 12 steps are centred around finding a "God or Higher Power" of our own understanding has been paramount to any successes I've had so far.  It's funny to me that some people hate the idea of a higher power, and some people are over the top religious zealots that drive me crazy.

As a kid I went to the united church.  It was so great, they're Christians, but not pushy with their ideas and really open to accepting people from all different faiths.  You'll never any garbage like that if you don't find Jesus you're going to hell, or that demons will get you.  I hate those scare tactics, I'm pretty sure Jesus would be equally disappointed.

To me, spirituality is about self empowerment and finding our own meaning and higher calling in life.

I stay away from learning about anything that is dark, because it really can affect my psyche negatively.

I do think pre christian spirituality is cool, and I don't think that people who explore it are heathens.

Let's face it, all those holy wars and crusades and witch hunts were not about spirituality or purity, and were very evil in their own right.  It was only about political control, and people being controlled by religion.  

My english professors made me aware that we are all story tellers, and every culture has its own "mythology" about  creationism, what happens when you die, and ethics.  I don't think that any religions are really superior, but that they all point the way towards a greater relationship to the divine.  It's people, and their interpretation of religious texts to suit their own agenda that cause the problems.

Anyways, that's just a brief summary what helps me deal with my struggles:

1) Gratitude and setting positive intentions for the day

2) Positive self talk-even mantras

3) Mindfulness: I can be the observer of my negative chatter and not get so upset about it, just see it as a passing event in my stream of consciousness

4) Reiki and Healing touch-make sure you feel comfortable with the practitioner and that they have good energy

5) Sobriety, less dark, low vibrations

6) Good old AA, because people are real, and they do find a spiritual basis for living life

7)Christianity- I love the positive aspects, not the fear mongering

8) The peacefulness of Buddha

9)Nature

10)Divine experiences, hearing the right song at the right time, encountering the right person at the right time to help with an issue etc.

11)Power of prayer and meditation

12) Power of letting go, all we can do is our part and ask our higher power to help us with the right outcome and the acceptance of life on life's terms

13)Not thinking less of myself, but thinking of myself less often-its pretty easy for me to get stuck analyzing my problems, which tends to be useless, instead of seeing where I could be assistance to those around me.  I always feel better when I choose the later.

Lately I've been exploring Shamanism, I really like it, but I'm also super intuitive and it's actually abit scary.  You really do get to see beyond the vail, and its bait overwhelming, so I'm feeling it out for myself slowly.  So far I've gotten so many life giving messages.  I think it's that hardcore Christian perspective that everything pre christian is just demons etc that scares me.  (Like I said I'm very easily scared by that  kind of dogma.)

Two weekends ago, I went to a workshop on shamanism,  and I was overwhelmed by the wealth of spiritual resources that I encountered.  I'll write more about it once I've fully integrated the teachings.  All I know is that every animal comes from the divine, and has a lot to teach humans.  Nothing dark about that.  So far the Penguin has helped me tons, with its gracefulness and purpose during challenging circumstances.

Another participant brought back a power animal for me during the workshop.  I thought it was a bit silly at the time.  Turns out this animal has tons of good stuff to help me overcome depression.

The turtle and its message of self protection and self love has been speaking to me in gentle ways.  I went to a play last night and my depression was talking shit to me and I was a bit scared. I saw my mom's cousin, a very spiritual person, and she had on turtle earrings, and green oceanic accessories.  Hugging her, I knew that turtle was telling me everything would be alright, and it is!