Running My Own Business and Mental Health...

I haven't been blogging lately, because I've been super stoked about the landscape business that I own with my partner Sean.  It's come so far since we incorporated and I've grown exponentially as well.
If you asked me two years ago what I wanted, I had a short list, a drivers license, a  truck, and a lawn mower.  At that time, I was elated to ride my bike to a clients house and make $20/hr as a gardener.

Today, I have 6 employees, 83 mansions, 18 villas, 4 cascading ponds, and hundreds of trees, shrubs and flowers to maintain.  I've done this while experiencing various degrees of depression and anxiety.
There's been ups and down, trials and triumphs and a few good laughs along the way.

I have two months to go on a 6 month contract, and it looks like in-spite of my fears and discouraging comments from my psychiatrist about work being the #1 trigger for bipolar episodes, I am only getting stronger.  Maybe that's because my bipolar is pretty mild, or maybe that doctor is out to lunch.
I think work could f*&%-up your mental health if you're in the wrong line of work and it's just draining, or if you are so manic you can't stop, but for me its just propelling me forward and helping me to become the woman I always wanted to be.

I never really thought of myself as a leader.  If I was a leader growing up, it probably started as a teenager, convincing other kids to defy their parents and be mischievous. When I was 18, I was a lifeguard and a swim instructor, and I know I helped a lot of people overcome the fear of water.  I was really competent in school and excelled at doing my own projects.  In 2010, I was awarded 3 decent contracts for the city of Nanaimo and I did have some volunteer help from various interesting characters of different ages and backgrounds.

Anyways, I have often been a lone wolf, and never considered myself to be a leader.  I got seriously into the landscape business because Sean and I had been awarded an awesome contract doing landscape maintenance, and it seemed like the next logical step.

So here I am, having had to step up and move out of my comfort zone.  I actually was clinically depressed for 3 months of the contract.  I still managed to put in at least 25-35 hours a week in the community and countless hours discussing business with Sean.  It was really hard for both of us, but I pulled through.  Honestly, going to the nurseries and doing beautiful annual beds and planters was pretty helpful at getting me through otherwise bleak days.  I had a hard time being a leader at the time, but I did work silently with my peeps, and I think I taught them a thing or two.

Finally in late June, my depression broke, and I was thrown in the driver's seat.  Sean had gotten really sick from the stress of running a new business and I needed to step up.  I had employees working, but they had terrible habits that were costing us alot of money.  I needed to look at the big picture and start reigning things in and fast.  It hasn't been easy and I've lost my sH*t on people on a few separate occasions. I'm actually glad my summer students are gone, because some of them where like little kids and untrainable.

It's been pretty sweet though, because I have alot of heart for transforming people's yards.  My slogan was "Creating Community One Yard at a Time," and I'm really living up to this mission.  We are surpassing the developer and our clients expectations.

In order to stay balanced, I've had to use all the tools I had available, and start normalizing my feelings instead of pathologizing them.  If I have anxiety for the first 2 weeks of managing a business, its not mental illness, it's human.  I just have to monitor these things more than other people.  I actually have a pretty cool app called iMOOD journal and it shows me how I'm coping with life.  My anxiety has  gone down a lot, and I did realize I need to do more self care to stay well.

My mental health isn't perfect, but I'm pretty resilient, and I'm learning alot about myself.  I'm actually  happier when I have something other than myself and my problems to deal with.  I've always been pretty smart, so having a job I find exciting and engaging is better than some of the mind numbing jobs I've had in the past.  Not only that, when I get overwhelmed, I can just get my hands in the dirt and get grounded.

This weekend, I'm taking it easy because owning a new landscape company is crazy in the summer, and down time is important.  Last week I went to a 12 step meeting and a yoga Nidra class which kept me in check.  I'm also taking my birthday week off to go on a retreat in late August.  I love my community and my business so I'll be busy training my team leaders all next week.

I never thought I'd be in this position and at times I've actually felt unworthy of being the person giving directions, and overseeing projects.  I'm starting to realize I've been slowly learning all the necessary skills to excel in my position.  I have to put aside old patterns of low self esteem and realize that I am good enough to be a leader.  Leaders are not better than any other team leaders, they simply have the ability to see the big picture and make all the pieces come together.

If anyone wants to check out my website, you can check in out at www.northernelementslandscaping.ca

Mildly Hypomanic? Say What?

It's 2 am, and I'm wide awake. So to, is the cat.  He's a bit racy and vocal.  I'm not going to label him bipolar.. He's just nocturnal.

Actually, I'd rather not label myself as bipolar, but I am experiencing bipolar symptoms.  Buddhists say to be careful with "I Am" because its powerful and it manifests itself accordingly.

 I'm kind of annoyed right now, I have an early morning, and yet here I am typing away.  My mind isn't racing, but my blood is crossing through my veins bit quickly.  Even though I'm tired, I could probably run 3 k.

This is all so hard to make sense of, even medically.  I added a mood-stabilizer, thats supposed to address this issue.

To be honest, I'm glad I'm not depressed, because that was terrible.

I can't afford to stay like this either.  "Mania is the fire, and depression the ashes." I can't afford to become ashes, it's to dangerous and painful.

When I get out of my slumps, I have a pretty clear idea of what I need to work on next, in terms of self growth. I have a theory that depression and bipolar are caused by childhood and adolescent experiences, that set the stage for further problems down the line.  Patterns of behaviour are established, that literally change neuro-pathways, and cause us to continue to react to our emotions in unhealthy ways.  As a child who was extremely emotionally suppressed due to parents that where probably passing down what they had learned, its not entirely surprising.  I will definitely go more into detail on this theory in further blog posts, and possibly write a book called "The Repressed Child, A Tale of Mental Illness and Addiction."

Anyways, I need to find ways to calm my nerves, and relax for whats left of tonight.  I plan to read for awhile, and repeat positive mantras while I breathe deeply.  Sadly, I'm not great at "nurturing" myself, " I'm better at worrying about what symptoms I have according to the DSM 5, and torturing myself accordingly.

This isn't my fault, but you better believe that slowly, I'm going to do everything in my powers, to rewire these highs and lows.  I deserve a good life, and so does anyone who is willing to take an honest look at themselves in the mirror, and work towards healing.

The Penguin Asks..Have I Reached the Open Ocean? Is this Depression Really Breaking?

Getting some relief from the soul crushing weight of depression is much like the creatures in Plato's "Allegory of the Cave," must have felt when after years of living underground and interpreting life in the shadows the cave are freed to see the sun.

The hope is so bright, but so is the fear of being dragged back into the cave.
The sun is so bright, and misguided doctors one sided view that this can only be hypomania only further complicate matters.

The truth is, in this moment as I write this, I am free.  I don't know how I earned my freedom.  Was it just a matter of time before my brain chemistry righted itself? Did I face certain truths about my lfe? Was it a change in medication? And is this sustainable?

I'm still very unstable.  While 3 days ago, I did add another mood stabilizer (Trileptal) to my magic/deadly combination of meds, I can't completely trust this was it.  I also took prozac for 4 days, because thats what I had, and boy was I desperate for a catalyst.  Now I'm out and my greatest fear is that I need it to keep this up, and my doctor won't go for it.

Anyways, what am I supposed to do with my tentative freedom?   I still feel like the shackles of mental illness are upon me, and can drag me back into the cave.  How to I break free? My freedom is fragile and precarious at this time.

In the light, I remember some of my spiritual tricks, and I hope they serve me well, I don't want to go backwards, its to painful.

First of all,  I am a deeply fearful person, and this is my greatest obstacle. In AA, they say the opposite of dear is faith, and to turn your fear over to God.  This is very real, I have seen it work in my life.  Seemingly unsurmountable mental blocks lifted and a pathway forward revealed.

Its clear to me I don't know what's going on medically and whether I need prozac.  Just for today (partially because I have no choice, its holiday) I need to trust I'll be ok with out it, that the fire is lit, and I will do everything I can to keep it burning.

I did a journey (meditation) to my spiritual helpers and this is the guidance I got:

1) Enjoy this energy, don't criticize yourself or call it "hypomania", just monitor yourself.

2) Have faith that the catalyst has worked, your energy won't stop flowing through you.

3) Reach out to someone more spiritually evolved, get another perspective.

4) Turn all your analysis of the situation over to God (the universe)  Let it go!

5) Share your crazy bipolar journey with the world.  The only upside to this illness is making others realize suffering is a universal part of the human experience and that they are not alone.

The truth is I have no idea what went right, I just need to trust that I deserve this, I've been through hell.
I need to believe that after my long Penguin march through the inhospitable Antarctic, I have reached the sea, and this is no mirage.

Note: To anyone who is severely depressed, do not lose hope.  I don't think these revelations happen overnight, and it's been matter of leaving no rock unturned and telling myself something is going to eventually work out.  In these 3 months, only a tiny part of me believed this to be true.

 If today, you're not let out of the cave, no not fear or blame yourself, the lack of communication in your brain is very real, and you are not to blame.  In your tortured mind, just take one step forward towards your healing.  Even if 96% of you believes it is in vain, know what you only need to believe in recovery with an honest 4%.  The universe will support you. Remember, it's normal to feel excruciating pain when 96% of your psyche is in darkness.

Being ok with not feeling ok..

As much as I hate to admit it to myself, I'm definitely not ok with being depressed.  I struggle with it on
a moment to moment, hour to hour, day to day basis.  I think part of this lack of acceptance is making things worse.  I'm never really comfortable with my experience.

Why should I be?  We live in a fix it world, there has to be some supplement, some medication some magical thought, a mantra that can wash this all away.

What if there isn't? What if this is something that I'm going to have to live with, for extended periods of time?  How can I embrace this experience, the long hours of nothingness and sadness?
How can I justify being here? Am I only worthy if I feel connected and happy?

How can I accept sitting on the sidelines of life, and not really participating?

What if I don't really have a choice? What if this really is the best I can do right now, just go through the motions and take some satisfaction in the small labours I complete?

Can I accept that this is it for me right now?

Its really hard.  I have family members voices and positive psychology telling me that I can just adopt a positive attitude, or believe in my own power to change the situation.  That mind is more powerful than the body.

There's nothing situationally wrong to fix.  I don't know why I feel this way. Being told I'm bipolar only helps so much. There's still no physical test that can prove that there's something wrong.

I'm not ok with any of this, and that's sinking my spirits even lower.  I don't like the quiet, mellow, passive person I am right now, and that's making things worse.

I don't know why I hate my depressive side so much.  She gets up everyday, and tries to make a difference, tries to heal. She goes to countless doctors appointments and therapy sessions.  She walks, runs, she eats well. She keeps doing the next right thing, even if it doesn't make much difference.
 

She goes about her life so empty and alone, but she keeps going. She silently endures the disappointment, the frustration, and the insufferable weight of this illness. She keeps fighting, she keeps trying.

I've tried everything I can think of to pull myself out of this, and I'm still here waiting for some improvement.  I don't have a lot of hope, but I know we're all there for some reason, and that if I'm still here, still breathing, then my story isn't over.

It just sucks being stuck in this moment, and I don't like this chapter very much.  Recovery seems like
such a lofty goal, that all I really want is to find some compassion, some understanding for myself.  I want to just accept what I'm going through, and learn of be ok with not feeling ok.

The hardest parts of being depressed....

There is nothing really easy about being depressed.

To me, it feels like I am just a shell, waiting for my former self to return.

I go through the motions, barely able to perform basic functions, and feeling empty and devoid of any sentiment.

For someone who really enjoys people and is quite extroverted, I'm really saddened by the fact I can't carry a conversation or feel comfortable around anyone other than my fiancé.  Its draining and frustrating to watch myself wanting to engage and being completely unable to do so.  Its so hard, because I know that I'm not always like this, but I can't access the part of me that feels connected or joyful about the human experience.

If we are all energetic beings and we connect to each other at certain frequencies, my frequency is almost inaudible, and this is a very lonely place to be.

I am usually really connected to God, and go through the day seeing signs that I am on the right path, and that I am manifesting the life that I want.  I'll think about something and it will appear in front of me within days, or a stranger will tell me something that I needed to hear.  I'm able to journey in my mind and meditate and come up with insights and answers.

When I'm depressed, and I need spirituality the most, I hear nothing.  The silence is deafening.  Its like God has gone on vacation, and I'm awaiting his return.

It almost makes me angry, and I feel like Job in the Bible, alone and tormented, praying and hearing nothing.  Worse, everyone blames Job for his suffering.  I have people in my family that act like this is a choice, and I would never choose to live like this.

So how do I make sense of this?  Well, looking for a sense of fairness does nothing to alleviate this pain.  I really think this condition is just as bad as loosing a limb, having cancer, or any other major health burden. Maybe life isn't really all that fair after all.   I just keep hoping that one day, all this suffering can be transmuted into something beautiful and life-giving that can help other people.

I try to be optimistic about the medical treatments I'm doing, and some days are better then others.

I've just been down this road so many times and waiting for medications or rtms to work is exhausting.  I just have to believe that treating bipolar instead of depression may be a road out of this suffering, but only time will tell. It's just that stuck in this moment, its pretty hard to see progress.

But mostly, I just wait.  Wait for my brain to come back online.  I try to believe that God would try to reach me and comfort me if possible, but that the phone lines are down for maintenance.   This is my challenge, to keep believing, even when my world looks the darkest, and the smallest.  To keep yearning for more, even when I can't feel anything.  

Depression actually makes me realize what a spiritual being I must be, because if I hadn't felt so full of God's grace, than the absence wouldn't be so painful.  

Time to Refocus

For the last three weeks, my depression monster has gotten huge.  I pretty much let him run the show everyday.  He tells me there's no hope of feeling good that day, and makes every minute and hour seem excruciating.

I feel sorry for myself.  I think of everything he's taken from me.  My joy, my passion, my identity.
I sit there watching my life go by, feeling powerless to do anything.

I disregard most ideas of things that might help, because my mood is at a 3 out of 10, and I want to be at a 7, so and improvement of .5 seems irrelevant.

It's pretty easy to give up in the face of this beast.  Especially if I'm expecting a big shift in mood overnight.  It's pretty easy to feel like this is all life is and will ever be.

I'd say I've almost given up, but there's a small part of me that wants to get some perspective and come at this from a different angle.

If I can't feel good today, maybe I can feel ok, by serving my healthy self and my future.

In brain scans of depression, entire regions of the brain are not functioning, so I need some help to get to where I want to be.

I'm going to see my old counsellor on Monday, and discuss what used to matter to me, so that I can actually schedule my life to reflect were I want to go, and figure out how to handle setbacks.

I can't handle the way I'm going right now, staying in bed till 11, agonising about another day and getting up to face a huge empty canvass.

In order to take my power back, I have to appreciate  that I even want to refocus.  I may not be able to get back on track today, but I can start to think about what it might look like to live a life of recovery from depression, instead of a life consumed by the beast.

All I know is that doing the minimum is not making me feel to great.  But I need to understand that I'm deeply disappointed that I am facing this again, and have been really focusing on what I've lost, and what I can't do, and all the pain and momentum depression has gained in the past.

I've gotta believe that the 60-70% of the time I've been well in the last 10 years has some momentum as well.  That all the good habits, the successes, and the changes I've made have not been in vain.

That even though it doesn't seem relevant at this time, this depression has given me another insight into what a trigger stress and change and responsibility are for this disorder.

In the face of this depression, nothing I was going through before was worth stressing about.  The petty arguments about how to mow a lawn professionally, or who to hire, or money seem so irrelevant at this time. My ego gets me into a lot of trouble.  If I could have prevented the overuse of neurotransmitters  and the racing thoughts I might still be feeling ok.  Hindsight is 20/20.

My hope for today is that I can accept where I am, and make small goals to move forward.  I need to realize that even doing things that make me feel neutral towards the pain, like exercise or art or work are far better than getting eaten alive by the depression.

This will eventually subside, but until than, I'm going to have to figure out what I'm capable of contributing towards a better tomorrow.

Depressed Again?!?What am I missing?

 I haven't wanted to blog for a few days.  I wanted to have all the answers about preventing and managing depression, and I wanted a linear, upwards recovery.  I have been pretty dismayed at the power my depression still carries.  At this point, it's with me 24/7 and there's very little relief.  Life hasn't stopped or slowed down, and I feel like its taking all the energy I have to just do the minimum that is required of me.

I started work, and I am a manager, and an owner of a landscape company.  I am really lucky to have a partner, because there's no way I could keep 6 people working all day.  I had to drive our manager home and I could't understand how I kept up a conversation with all the negativity between my ears.

I got home and was literally shaking from having to keep it together, and I crawled into bed and played there motionless, letting my nerves settle.

A couple of days ago, I went to the psychiatrist that I complain about on here all the time. I hated him because I wanted to do recovery my way.  I thought I was right, and I knew all the answers.  To be honest, I do have alot figured out. I'm a decent mid wave sized surfer.  I can't handle huge depression waves any better than the next guy, so I started listening.

Its a horrible, nerve wrecking experience, having depression.  I feel heavy, drained, slow, and devoid of any personality or interest in life.  And that't the baseline. The best I can do.  Then comes all the judgement, fear and insecurity it causes.

Another thing, positive thinking is a very frustrating concept to me.  Some one close to me likes to say: "Your thought become things, chose the good ones."

I f****ng hate that shit.  It's great for normal people, but doesn't have much clout with bipolar depression.  Its good to be somewhat positive and accept being at the depressed baseline and try to do things that may help.  But its even hard to stat at a baseline, because every situation that I would normally navigate with ease is painfully difficult and suffocating.

I got prescribed lithium.  I thought this was gonna be the end of the world, but Im actually bit relieved.  My doctor believes that the mood stabilizer I'm taking is only good for depression, and everything else I'm taking is useless or making things worse.  He really does believe I can get down to 2 drugs from 5, but I gotta get stable first.

I'm kinda mad. I thought I was doing pretty well.  The trouble is that I'm used to being bipolar, and it doesn't really look like what I read about in magazines.  No super manic, lose all control reckless behaviour.

Its more like not being able to chill.  I can do all kinds of relaxation stuff, but I can't turn off all the random thoughts, and the feelings and emotions that come along for the ride.
It's also anxiety, that was weaving its way into almost everyday in the last few months.

Sean said, if I'm nervous about the landscape season, you're probably 10 times more nervous.
I'm starting to think I'm experiencing 10 times more any of given emotion when I'm not depressed.
I'm just learned how to contain all go this excess, because I thought it was who I was or normal.

Anyways, I'm just trying to let my nervous system relax, and let the lithium help repair some of the damage.  This is a long road to wellness, but I'm not giving up.