Just a Crack of light

I haven't been able to write for awhile, but something's shifting inside me.  I see a small ray of light and that's very powerful.  Even a tiny fracture of self awareness is a miracle in the face of the self doubt and confusion that depression casts on everything.

I actually got up this morning at 6:45 with no alarm.  For me this is well, sort of amazing.
For the last 7 weeks I've been unable to get up before 10, waking up earlier, but anxiously trying to prolong that state of being semi unconscious, knowing I'm up against one of "those days."
Days where before I open my eyes, I know it's going to an agonizing battle to put on foot in front of the other and try to justify to myself why I keep going at all.  For me it's like being in a long, slow purgatory of souless boredom, self condemnation and meaningless existentialism.
I read a quote that says, "If you're in Hell, don't stop, keep going."  I think that's true, because the one day I did stay home alone all day sitting on the couch, I found myself reading about people jumping off the golden gate bridge to escape their current predicament.


Anyways, back to the ray of light part....This morning I felt like something was a little different.
Some of the heaviness and mental fog had lifted.  I could almost hear my little spirit birds chirping.
I started thinking about my life, and my thoughts had some nuance, some hope.
I could see more than one way to look at a situation, and the a realistic, positive outlook didn't feel so foreign to my conscious mind.

I've been desperately looking for some answers for this cycle of low moods, and periods of joyful dis-organized living.  Drugs and therapy for bipolar haven't really arrested these cycles, and I was pretty sure it was getting worse and I was really in for a tough ride through life.

Than finally, a meaningful second opinion, first from a highly trained therapist and than a psychiatrist.  They picked up something that I thought was pretty trivial or maybe even funny.
It's a diagnosis that's almost always overlooked in women presenting with depression.
Since I've beed a teenager I've been battling with ADD.  Just because I've hid it well and learned to be "functional" doesn't negate the struggle I've failed to recognize for all these years.

I still have along ways to go.  Even as I sit here writing, I can feel the pain of what I've gone through haunting me.  I want to take all of it and weave it into something meaningful, but I can only do that if I'm well enough to feel a sense of self amidst the suffering.  My ultimate goal is to take all the colours of my sorrow and make an art installation on a white gallery wall, that I can reflect on periodically but ultimately detach from and move on with my life.  Perhaps other people can look at what I've experienced and see if anything resonates with their journey.

I still haven't been able to start taking medications for ADD, but I think I'm going to talk another therapist at the private clinic about this option and pursue counselling related to managing the this condition effectively.   I was instructed to get off a medication first, because I'm on a whole shwack of medications and two mood-stabilizers is overkill.  I begged the doctor to go back on an SNRI and I'm on day four of that, so that may be helping.  I also did something I'm kind of embarrassed about, but may account for some of my positive spirit today.  I "gulp" "sigh" "erg" got botox.  There are some preliminary studies saying that having a relaxed facial expression helps the feedback loop in the brain that controls mood.  I believe this to a degree, because my depression feels like I'm on a circus ride through a haunted house, over and over again.  I can see how even one system reporting a different impulse, i.e. neutral facial expression, could be a shift.

That's the thing I find about depression.  I have to keep going, and trying new things, because it really comes down to interrupting that negative feedback loop, which can take a lot of effort. It feels like the train of thought is speeding around on the depressive track, and the switch to a normal mindset is broken.  So here I am a tiny person, trying to get a train to stop by throwing cans at it. It feels pretty futile.  That's what recovery from depression feels like, I'm a tiny being trying to derail a massive train.  It feels like I'm not getting anywhere, because each gesture of recovery in singularity is ineffective.  It takes a lot of continual effort and new strategizing to stop this monster.

I'm really hoping I am on the right track again, but I know my neutral or positive train of thought gets derailed to easily.  I'm hoping that by working with a therapist that knows ADD in adults I can work out some of the kinks that I fearfully thought of as being hypomanic.  If the disorganization and frustration I feel when I try to start my art business or contribute in a substantial way to my landscape business are resolved by addressing the ADD that might make all the difference.  I want to feel like a competent, capable adult, not a teenager staring out the window, doodling in her notebook, unable to follow what is going on in class, or take control of her life.

Powerless over Depression? Maybe it's time to tell yourself a better story....

The last few weeks have been tough for be emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically.
I tend to think the worse and prophesize that there's something wrong with my mental health, but lately my "story" has changed.  Pathologizing hard mood states is super unhelpful for me at this point in my journey.  I need to help the child inside of me thats scared of depressive thoughts and feelings to rise above the mess.  Before I ever had an episode of clinical depression, I was just a sad kid that didn't know how to deal with my feelings of isolation growing up.  So the depression came along when things got to tough, and it held me underwater until my subconscious was strong enough to face life again.  It's been frustrating, and I have felt so powerless watching myself go through so much pain and suffering, without any explanation other than that there was something medically wrong with me.

I went to a workshop with Maria Gomori, and it was very challenging.  She saw my light and wanted me to shed the damage that labelling myself was doing.  She saw the root of my suffering, and helped me see that I made certain decisions between the age of 5-15 that shaped the way I go through life's challenges.  She saw that I was strong and could use my gifts to rise above what holds me back from healing.  She asked me not to see myself as sick or bipolar because it's not helpful.  My challenge was to stop pathologizing myself one day at a time, and in many ways I am doing this and winning the battle, sometimes one minute at a time, or one positive action or thought at a time.
 Honestly, the best thing I can do for myself is accept myself and embrace what I love about myself, and learn to let go of what no longer serves me.

Healing from depression is a  journey, a long penguin march through the antarctic, but it's so worthwhile to believe you can heal.  I have looked to doctors, psychologists, shamans, yoga, running, art and spirituality for answers.  Interestingly, it has been talking openly with other people who suffer/ have suffered with addictions and mental health issues that has helped me the most.  If I can see the light in other people that suffer, and believe they have the inner resources to heal, I can heal myself.

What doesn't serve me, and never has, is thinking I'm really different from everyone else.  That my suffering is unique and no one can understand me.  For me, labelling myself with "depression," or "bipolar" isn't really that helpful, it just a set of explanations made by a set of people.   It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me and that's not true.  I am and have always been myself, and God made me perfectly imperfect.  It's ok to be sensitive and it's ok to struggle.  It's not ok to keep re injuring myself with fear and self condemnation for being different.

Usually there are triggers for my unhealthy states, and fear plays a huge role for me.  If I think I can't handle a challenging situation or a major life change, my "depression" wants to take me down an all to familiar road, that gets me really stuck.  When I tell myself I want to heal and will weather my internal and external storms with self compassion and my higher power at my side, I tend to make it safely back to shore.

At this moment, I'm feeling physically sick from being emotionally overwhelmed, but I'm done telling myself I can't handle this situation.  I can and I will.  I will give myself the grace to stop analyzing my thoughts and emotions and judging myself as being not ok.  Instead of deciding there's something wrong with my mental health, I will focus on getting some rest and processing some tough revelations when I'm not so tired.  I reached out to all of you, because that's another part of healing, sharing my experience, strength and hope in case it helps someone else who is struggling with similar  issues.  Together, I think we can support one another in the belief that we can all heal our inner landscapes and find the inner peace we deserve and work so hard towards.

Goodnight, and many blessings to everyone,

xoxoxoxo Jeanne

Me and the Grandmother of Family Therapy

Running My Own Business and Mental Health...

I haven't been blogging lately, because I've been super stoked about the landscape business that I own with my partner Sean.  It's come so far since we incorporated and I've grown exponentially as well.
If you asked me two years ago what I wanted, I had a short list, a drivers license, a  truck, and a lawn mower.  At that time, I was elated to ride my bike to a clients house and make $20/hr as a gardener.

Today, I have 6 employees, 83 mansions, 18 villas, 4 cascading ponds, and hundreds of trees, shrubs and flowers to maintain.  I've done this while experiencing various degrees of depression and anxiety.
There's been ups and down, trials and triumphs and a few good laughs along the way.

I have two months to go on a 6 month contract, and it looks like in-spite of my fears and discouraging comments from my psychiatrist about work being the #1 trigger for bipolar episodes, I am only getting stronger.  Maybe that's because my bipolar is pretty mild, or maybe that doctor is out to lunch.
I think work could f*&%-up your mental health if you're in the wrong line of work and it's just draining, or if you are so manic you can't stop, but for me its just propelling me forward and helping me to become the woman I always wanted to be.

I never really thought of myself as a leader.  If I was a leader growing up, it probably started as a teenager, convincing other kids to defy their parents and be mischievous. When I was 18, I was a lifeguard and a swim instructor, and I know I helped a lot of people overcome the fear of water.  I was really competent in school and excelled at doing my own projects.  In 2010, I was awarded 3 decent contracts for the city of Nanaimo and I did have some volunteer help from various interesting characters of different ages and backgrounds.

Anyways, I have often been a lone wolf, and never considered myself to be a leader.  I got seriously into the landscape business because Sean and I had been awarded an awesome contract doing landscape maintenance, and it seemed like the next logical step.

So here I am, having had to step up and move out of my comfort zone.  I actually was clinically depressed for 3 months of the contract.  I still managed to put in at least 25-35 hours a week in the community and countless hours discussing business with Sean.  It was really hard for both of us, but I pulled through.  Honestly, going to the nurseries and doing beautiful annual beds and planters was pretty helpful at getting me through otherwise bleak days.  I had a hard time being a leader at the time, but I did work silently with my peeps, and I think I taught them a thing or two.

Finally in late June, my depression broke, and I was thrown in the driver's seat.  Sean had gotten really sick from the stress of running a new business and I needed to step up.  I had employees working, but they had terrible habits that were costing us alot of money.  I needed to look at the big picture and start reigning things in and fast.  It hasn't been easy and I've lost my sH*t on people on a few separate occasions. I'm actually glad my summer students are gone, because some of them where like little kids and untrainable.

It's been pretty sweet though, because I have alot of heart for transforming people's yards.  My slogan was "Creating Community One Yard at a Time," and I'm really living up to this mission.  We are surpassing the developer and our clients expectations.

In order to stay balanced, I've had to use all the tools I had available, and start normalizing my feelings instead of pathologizing them.  If I have anxiety for the first 2 weeks of managing a business, its not mental illness, it's human.  I just have to monitor these things more than other people.  I actually have a pretty cool app called iMOOD journal and it shows me how I'm coping with life.  My anxiety has  gone down a lot, and I did realize I need to do more self care to stay well.

My mental health isn't perfect, but I'm pretty resilient, and I'm learning alot about myself.  I'm actually  happier when I have something other than myself and my problems to deal with.  I've always been pretty smart, so having a job I find exciting and engaging is better than some of the mind numbing jobs I've had in the past.  Not only that, when I get overwhelmed, I can just get my hands in the dirt and get grounded.

This weekend, I'm taking it easy because owning a new landscape company is crazy in the summer, and down time is important.  Last week I went to a 12 step meeting and a yoga Nidra class which kept me in check.  I'm also taking my birthday week off to go on a retreat in late August.  I love my community and my business so I'll be busy training my team leaders all next week.

I never thought I'd be in this position and at times I've actually felt unworthy of being the person giving directions, and overseeing projects.  I'm starting to realize I've been slowly learning all the necessary skills to excel in my position.  I have to put aside old patterns of low self esteem and realize that I am good enough to be a leader.  Leaders are not better than any other team leaders, they simply have the ability to see the big picture and make all the pieces come together.

If anyone wants to check out my website, you can check in out at www.northernelementslandscaping.ca

Mildly Hypomanic? Say What?

It's 2 am, and I'm wide awake. So to, is the cat.  He's a bit racy and vocal.  I'm not going to label him bipolar.. He's just nocturnal.

Actually, I'd rather not label myself as bipolar, but I am experiencing bipolar symptoms.  Buddhists say to be careful with "I Am" because its powerful and it manifests itself accordingly.

 I'm kind of annoyed right now, I have an early morning, and yet here I am typing away.  My mind isn't racing, but my blood is crossing through my veins bit quickly.  Even though I'm tired, I could probably run 3 k.

This is all so hard to make sense of, even medically.  I added a mood-stabilizer, thats supposed to address this issue.

To be honest, I'm glad I'm not depressed, because that was terrible.

I can't afford to stay like this either.  "Mania is the fire, and depression the ashes." I can't afford to become ashes, it's to dangerous and painful.

When I get out of my slumps, I have a pretty clear idea of what I need to work on next, in terms of self growth. I have a theory that depression and bipolar are caused by childhood and adolescent experiences, that set the stage for further problems down the line.  Patterns of behaviour are established, that literally change neuro-pathways, and cause us to continue to react to our emotions in unhealthy ways.  As a child who was extremely emotionally suppressed due to parents that where probably passing down what they had learned, its not entirely surprising.  I will definitely go more into detail on this theory in further blog posts, and possibly write a book called "The Repressed Child, A Tale of Mental Illness and Addiction."

Anyways, I need to find ways to calm my nerves, and relax for whats left of tonight.  I plan to read for awhile, and repeat positive mantras while I breathe deeply.  Sadly, I'm not great at "nurturing" myself, " I'm better at worrying about what symptoms I have according to the DSM 5, and torturing myself accordingly.

This isn't my fault, but you better believe that slowly, I'm going to do everything in my powers, to rewire these highs and lows.  I deserve a good life, and so does anyone who is willing to take an honest look at themselves in the mirror, and work towards healing.

The Penguin Asks..Have I Reached the Open Ocean? Is this Depression Really Breaking?

Getting some relief from the soul crushing weight of depression is much like the creatures in Plato's "Allegory of the Cave," must have felt when after years of living underground and interpreting life in the shadows the cave are freed to see the sun.

The hope is so bright, but so is the fear of being dragged back into the cave.
The sun is so bright, and misguided doctors one sided view that this can only be hypomania only further complicate matters.

The truth is, in this moment as I write this, I am free.  I don't know how I earned my freedom.  Was it just a matter of time before my brain chemistry righted itself? Did I face certain truths about my lfe? Was it a change in medication? And is this sustainable?

I'm still very unstable.  While 3 days ago, I did add another mood stabilizer (Trileptal) to my magic/deadly combination of meds, I can't completely trust this was it.  I also took prozac for 4 days, because thats what I had, and boy was I desperate for a catalyst.  Now I'm out and my greatest fear is that I need it to keep this up, and my doctor won't go for it.

Anyways, what am I supposed to do with my tentative freedom?   I still feel like the shackles of mental illness are upon me, and can drag me back into the cave.  How to I break free? My freedom is fragile and precarious at this time.

In the light, I remember some of my spiritual tricks, and I hope they serve me well, I don't want to go backwards, its to painful.

First of all,  I am a deeply fearful person, and this is my greatest obstacle. In AA, they say the opposite of dear is faith, and to turn your fear over to God.  This is very real, I have seen it work in my life.  Seemingly unsurmountable mental blocks lifted and a pathway forward revealed.

Its clear to me I don't know what's going on medically and whether I need prozac.  Just for today (partially because I have no choice, its holiday) I need to trust I'll be ok with out it, that the fire is lit, and I will do everything I can to keep it burning.

I did a journey (meditation) to my spiritual helpers and this is the guidance I got:

1) Enjoy this energy, don't criticize yourself or call it "hypomania", just monitor yourself.

2) Have faith that the catalyst has worked, your energy won't stop flowing through you.

3) Reach out to someone more spiritually evolved, get another perspective.

4) Turn all your analysis of the situation over to God (the universe)  Let it go!

5) Share your crazy bipolar journey with the world.  The only upside to this illness is making others realize suffering is a universal part of the human experience and that they are not alone.

The truth is I have no idea what went right, I just need to trust that I deserve this, I've been through hell.
I need to believe that after my long Penguin march through the inhospitable Antarctic, I have reached the sea, and this is no mirage.

Note: To anyone who is severely depressed, do not lose hope.  I don't think these revelations happen overnight, and it's been matter of leaving no rock unturned and telling myself something is going to eventually work out.  In these 3 months, only a tiny part of me believed this to be true.

 If today, you're not let out of the cave, no not fear or blame yourself, the lack of communication in your brain is very real, and you are not to blame.  In your tortured mind, just take one step forward towards your healing.  Even if 96% of you believes it is in vain, know what you only need to believe in recovery with an honest 4%.  The universe will support you. Remember, it's normal to feel excruciating pain when 96% of your psyche is in darkness.

Being ok with not feeling ok..

As much as I hate to admit it to myself, I'm definitely not ok with being depressed.  I struggle with it on
a moment to moment, hour to hour, day to day basis.  I think part of this lack of acceptance is making things worse.  I'm never really comfortable with my experience.

Why should I be?  We live in a fix it world, there has to be some supplement, some medication some magical thought, a mantra that can wash this all away.

What if there isn't? What if this is something that I'm going to have to live with, for extended periods of time?  How can I embrace this experience, the long hours of nothingness and sadness?
How can I justify being here? Am I only worthy if I feel connected and happy?

How can I accept sitting on the sidelines of life, and not really participating?

What if I don't really have a choice? What if this really is the best I can do right now, just go through the motions and take some satisfaction in the small labours I complete?

Can I accept that this is it for me right now?

Its really hard.  I have family members voices and positive psychology telling me that I can just adopt a positive attitude, or believe in my own power to change the situation.  That mind is more powerful than the body.

There's nothing situationally wrong to fix.  I don't know why I feel this way. Being told I'm bipolar only helps so much. There's still no physical test that can prove that there's something wrong.

I'm not ok with any of this, and that's sinking my spirits even lower.  I don't like the quiet, mellow, passive person I am right now, and that's making things worse.

I don't know why I hate my depressive side so much.  She gets up everyday, and tries to make a difference, tries to heal. She goes to countless doctors appointments and therapy sessions.  She walks, runs, she eats well. She keeps doing the next right thing, even if it doesn't make much difference.
 

She goes about her life so empty and alone, but she keeps going. She silently endures the disappointment, the frustration, and the insufferable weight of this illness. She keeps fighting, she keeps trying.

I've tried everything I can think of to pull myself out of this, and I'm still here waiting for some improvement.  I don't have a lot of hope, but I know we're all there for some reason, and that if I'm still here, still breathing, then my story isn't over.

It just sucks being stuck in this moment, and I don't like this chapter very much.  Recovery seems like
such a lofty goal, that all I really want is to find some compassion, some understanding for myself.  I want to just accept what I'm going through, and learn of be ok with not feeling ok.

The hardest parts of being depressed....

There is nothing really easy about being depressed.

To me, it feels like I am just a shell, waiting for my former self to return.

I go through the motions, barely able to perform basic functions, and feeling empty and devoid of any sentiment.

For someone who really enjoys people and is quite extroverted, I'm really saddened by the fact I can't carry a conversation or feel comfortable around anyone other than my fiancé.  Its draining and frustrating to watch myself wanting to engage and being completely unable to do so.  Its so hard, because I know that I'm not always like this, but I can't access the part of me that feels connected or joyful about the human experience.

If we are all energetic beings and we connect to each other at certain frequencies, my frequency is almost inaudible, and this is a very lonely place to be.

I am usually really connected to God, and go through the day seeing signs that I am on the right path, and that I am manifesting the life that I want.  I'll think about something and it will appear in front of me within days, or a stranger will tell me something that I needed to hear.  I'm able to journey in my mind and meditate and come up with insights and answers.

When I'm depressed, and I need spirituality the most, I hear nothing.  The silence is deafening.  Its like God has gone on vacation, and I'm awaiting his return.

It almost makes me angry, and I feel like Job in the Bible, alone and tormented, praying and hearing nothing.  Worse, everyone blames Job for his suffering.  I have people in my family that act like this is a choice, and I would never choose to live like this.

So how do I make sense of this?  Well, looking for a sense of fairness does nothing to alleviate this pain.  I really think this condition is just as bad as loosing a limb, having cancer, or any other major health burden. Maybe life isn't really all that fair after all.   I just keep hoping that one day, all this suffering can be transmuted into something beautiful and life-giving that can help other people.

I try to be optimistic about the medical treatments I'm doing, and some days are better then others.

I've just been down this road so many times and waiting for medications or rtms to work is exhausting.  I just have to believe that treating bipolar instead of depression may be a road out of this suffering, but only time will tell. It's just that stuck in this moment, its pretty hard to see progress.

But mostly, I just wait.  Wait for my brain to come back online.  I try to believe that God would try to reach me and comfort me if possible, but that the phone lines are down for maintenance.   This is my challenge, to keep believing, even when my world looks the darkest, and the smallest.  To keep yearning for more, even when I can't feel anything.  

Depression actually makes me realize what a spiritual being I must be, because if I hadn't felt so full of God's grace, than the absence wouldn't be so painful.  

Time to Refocus

For the last three weeks, my depression monster has gotten huge.  I pretty much let him run the show everyday.  He tells me there's no hope of feeling good that day, and makes every minute and hour seem excruciating.

I feel sorry for myself.  I think of everything he's taken from me.  My joy, my passion, my identity.
I sit there watching my life go by, feeling powerless to do anything.

I disregard most ideas of things that might help, because my mood is at a 3 out of 10, and I want to be at a 7, so and improvement of .5 seems irrelevant.

It's pretty easy to give up in the face of this beast.  Especially if I'm expecting a big shift in mood overnight.  It's pretty easy to feel like this is all life is and will ever be.

I'd say I've almost given up, but there's a small part of me that wants to get some perspective and come at this from a different angle.

If I can't feel good today, maybe I can feel ok, by serving my healthy self and my future.

In brain scans of depression, entire regions of the brain are not functioning, so I need some help to get to where I want to be.

I'm going to see my old counsellor on Monday, and discuss what used to matter to me, so that I can actually schedule my life to reflect were I want to go, and figure out how to handle setbacks.

I can't handle the way I'm going right now, staying in bed till 11, agonising about another day and getting up to face a huge empty canvass.

In order to take my power back, I have to appreciate  that I even want to refocus.  I may not be able to get back on track today, but I can start to think about what it might look like to live a life of recovery from depression, instead of a life consumed by the beast.

All I know is that doing the minimum is not making me feel to great.  But I need to understand that I'm deeply disappointed that I am facing this again, and have been really focusing on what I've lost, and what I can't do, and all the pain and momentum depression has gained in the past.

I've gotta believe that the 60-70% of the time I've been well in the last 10 years has some momentum as well.  That all the good habits, the successes, and the changes I've made have not been in vain.

That even though it doesn't seem relevant at this time, this depression has given me another insight into what a trigger stress and change and responsibility are for this disorder.

In the face of this depression, nothing I was going through before was worth stressing about.  The petty arguments about how to mow a lawn professionally, or who to hire, or money seem so irrelevant at this time. My ego gets me into a lot of trouble.  If I could have prevented the overuse of neurotransmitters  and the racing thoughts I might still be feeling ok.  Hindsight is 20/20.

My hope for today is that I can accept where I am, and make small goals to move forward.  I need to realize that even doing things that make me feel neutral towards the pain, like exercise or art or work are far better than getting eaten alive by the depression.

This will eventually subside, but until than, I'm going to have to figure out what I'm capable of contributing towards a better tomorrow.

Depressed Again?!?What am I missing?

 I haven't wanted to blog for a few days.  I wanted to have all the answers about preventing and managing depression, and I wanted a linear, upwards recovery.  I have been pretty dismayed at the power my depression still carries.  At this point, it's with me 24/7 and there's very little relief.  Life hasn't stopped or slowed down, and I feel like its taking all the energy I have to just do the minimum that is required of me.

I started work, and I am a manager, and an owner of a landscape company.  I am really lucky to have a partner, because there's no way I could keep 6 people working all day.  I had to drive our manager home and I could't understand how I kept up a conversation with all the negativity between my ears.

I got home and was literally shaking from having to keep it together, and I crawled into bed and played there motionless, letting my nerves settle.

A couple of days ago, I went to the psychiatrist that I complain about on here all the time. I hated him because I wanted to do recovery my way.  I thought I was right, and I knew all the answers.  To be honest, I do have alot figured out. I'm a decent mid wave sized surfer.  I can't handle huge depression waves any better than the next guy, so I started listening.

Its a horrible, nerve wrecking experience, having depression.  I feel heavy, drained, slow, and devoid of any personality or interest in life.  And that't the baseline. The best I can do.  Then comes all the judgement, fear and insecurity it causes.

Another thing, positive thinking is a very frustrating concept to me.  Some one close to me likes to say: "Your thought become things, chose the good ones."

I f****ng hate that shit.  It's great for normal people, but doesn't have much clout with bipolar depression.  Its good to be somewhat positive and accept being at the depressed baseline and try to do things that may help.  But its even hard to stat at a baseline, because every situation that I would normally navigate with ease is painfully difficult and suffocating.

I got prescribed lithium.  I thought this was gonna be the end of the world, but Im actually bit relieved.  My doctor believes that the mood stabilizer I'm taking is only good for depression, and everything else I'm taking is useless or making things worse.  He really does believe I can get down to 2 drugs from 5, but I gotta get stable first.

I'm kinda mad. I thought I was doing pretty well.  The trouble is that I'm used to being bipolar, and it doesn't really look like what I read about in magazines.  No super manic, lose all control reckless behaviour.

Its more like not being able to chill.  I can do all kinds of relaxation stuff, but I can't turn off all the random thoughts, and the feelings and emotions that come along for the ride.
It's also anxiety, that was weaving its way into almost everyday in the last few months.

Sean said, if I'm nervous about the landscape season, you're probably 10 times more nervous.
I'm starting to think I'm experiencing 10 times more any of given emotion when I'm not depressed.
I'm just learned how to contain all go this excess, because I thought it was who I was or normal.

Anyways, I'm just trying to let my nervous system relax, and let the lithium help repair some of the damage.  This is a long road to wellness, but I'm not giving up.

Hijacked by the Depression Monster!

At AA, when people complain about their live's, someone will say something like,

Get in kids, I wanna show you this downward spiral you might like.

"Who's driving the bus?"

Basically saying that people are not being guided by a higher power, and are going about life in their own narrow minded way and getting into trouble.

God is supposed to drive the bus, or guide us along.

Well anyways, I can see why its a bus, not a sports car or a minivan.  Thats because I have so many different sides of myself riding along.

I think my depression is always on my bus, but sometimes it's quiet, and I almost forget it's there.
Lately, I feel like its one of the loudest kids on the bus, and I just want to kick it off in the middle of nowhere and tell it to get bent.  Turns out the little guy will be at the next stop, waiting to get back on.

So what's a girl to do?

Well I've been analyzing the situation, and I definitely notice that often, when I'm presented with a challenge, especially around work, my go to place is inadequacy and self doubt, and I really have to rally back with all my strength to keep from getting depressed.  I worry and get down on myself, without even realizing what I'm doing and sometimes depression takes the wheel for abit.  

I don't know why that is, I've always excelled at school, and gotten along well with people.  I have struggled bit with getting fired from jobs I hated anyways for being passive aggressive.

But I've never been fired from landscaping.

Anyways, long story short, I now own 50% of a landscaping company.  We are maintaining the nicest neighbourhood in Calgary and possibly Western Canada. I am excited and terrified.
I've hired 6 people, and we're gonna be starting full time in less than 2 weeks.

God has a sense of humour anyways...less than 2 years ago I was riding my bike to clients houses, with tools in my backpack.  I had no license (fear) and rented a room in a strangers house.  I told Sean I wanted my own maintenance company.  Well, I guess I should-a watched for what I asked for.
Now we have a lucrative contract with a great developer and tons of room to grow.  I own a beautiful house with views of the mountains.

Anyways, I'm way outta my comfort zone, but I know I can do this with the right team.

Sadly, my depression wants to tag along, and see how everything goes.

It's been whispering to me things like:

"You're not experienced enough."

"You're to tired all the time."

"This is out of your league."

It wants to drive the bus quite badly.

Here's the thing, I'm not going to let that happen.

It's time for me to stand up and shout:

"Alright everybody, quiet down for a minute!  Me and GOD are driving this bus! I am standing up to my responsibilities and getting to work everyday.  Me and my team will become an amazing landscape company.  I am not afraid of the content's of my mind and I will keep putting one foot in front of the other."

I also need to write out my fears, and make a plan for a successful season, and stick by it.  I think that the depression has gotten fat off my fears and uncertainties, and the more I throw myself into work the less food for the little guy.

And I need to stop fighting with him.  He's the unhappy kid on the bus, he's got enough problems.
Over analyzing him isn't helping either, it's making him disproportionately large, and crowding out any room for joy.

Anyways, I'm keeping my hopes up that one day very soon, all 69 front yards of the mansions will look great, the flowers will be blooming, and my depression can go back to being the quiet kid on the bus again.

I have no idea who this happy human is...

Overcoming depressive thinking….

I love playing in the ocean, and bodysurfing small waves.  I remember being a little kid and catching a huge wave that seemed to somersault me endlessly, before I was released on the shore.  When I watch big wave surfers, sometimes they get tossed off their surfboard by an unruly wave, only to catch a breath of air and get pummelled again. That's what depression feels like to me.

But I guess I have a choice in how I handle things don't I?

I can look at my life and lament, why does my mind send me sh*t waves? I wish that I was more like so and so…they're so uncomplicated and happy. 

I do that a lot, I wish I didn't have depressive thinking.

I also get stuck I'm my head a whole lot.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a victim and it's all to much, and nothing helps.

Well I'm at the point now where I can either say to myself, I'm sick of fighting, I'm not really improving, why don't I let my brain obsess about how bad I feel, and spiral downwards. I don't think normal people have any idea how scary and real this phenomenon can be and how convincing depression can be, it makes it seem like I don't have any other option.

I didn't ask for this, keep calm and carry on.

Today I feel like I'm definitely aways from the shore of sanity and good mental health, inspite of  my best attempts.

That being said, at times like these, I have to do the thing I find the hardest, find acceptance that I struggle with depression to varying degrees. The key is to have compassion for myself and respect for the strength and perseverance that it takes to manage this condition.  I didn't ask for this, and I'm doing the best I can at any given moment.

I need to notice it, and remove any judgement, and negative prophesizing about the outcome of my lower mood. 9 times of of 10 if I don't get dragged into the stories my mind creates or worry about how many DSM symptoms I'm experiencing, life goes back to normal.

I find reframing things helps.  So tonight I'm going to say to myself,

Everyone has bad days, that doesn't mean they get clinically depressed.

Arguing with your spouse is draining and does effect your mood.

Having serious engine problems with a truck from the auction sucks.

YOu got up at 5:45 am instead of 7:45, its normal to be tired.

And then remind myself of everything I'm doing well in life.  I t can be as simple as, I helped my fiancé get his truck. I went for a walk, I blogged it up! And then actually realize that's awesome given how I feel.

Tonight, I plan to get active, I decide ok, these feelings are not a deal breaker and I'm going to make dinner and go for a walk and not think about my mood for awhile. I  just notice its there in the background, and have some compassion or curiosity about how to improve things.

Oh ya and most importantly, I do my best with whatever tools I can muster up at the given moment that depression feels overwhelming, and ask my higher power to take the struggle from me.  I try to turn it over repeatedly to the God of my understanding.  I pray, "Please help me with this, I'm going the best I can and I still feel overwhelmed.  One of the hardest things is believing I've been heard and allowing God to take the struggle away so that I can feel some peace in the situation.  WE don't always get 100% instant relief, but I believe there is power in letting go of my attachment to the struggle.

Well I hope this helps and that I get thrown out of this wave I'm in and land on the shore.  Good luck everyone with your own challenges.

Jesus doesn't have to be your higher power, but he is pretty epic.

Authors Note:
After writing this, I made dinner and had a fit of depressive thinking, a horrible loop of:
Omg I'm thinking about my depression! Why can't I stop thinking about depression? I getting Depressed? 

It was horrible.

Something small inside me reminded me that:

These are just thoughts, silly words in my head.

If I wasn't getting so upset and analytical about the content of those thoughts, they are not much different that some benign thoughts like:

Should I buy that sweater? I want it but I think I should wait.  I don't want to wait, I want it now…

Or any other obsessive thinking….

So I kept my cool, and focused on my breath and the sound of my feet as I walked around the pond three times.

I thought about neurology and mindfulness, and that if I got my mind and emotions to a calmer state, it would be easier to shift my thoughts to something less frightening.  Gradually, my attention went back to my normal happy chatter….

And finally I got on my hands and knees and prayed….

If I hadn't written this article, I don't know if I would have had the strength to make that huge shift.

Thank you all and good night!

Spiritual Gifts-Discovering Your Personal Power to deal with Life's Challenges

I believe that each of us has spiritual resources beyond our wildest dreams to deal with life's challenges.  

To be honest, the fact that the 12 steps are centred around finding a "God or Higher Power" of our own understanding has been paramount to any successes I've had so far.  It's funny to me that some people hate the idea of a higher power, and some people are over the top religious zealots that drive me crazy.

As a kid I went to the united church.  It was so great, they're Christians, but not pushy with their ideas and really open to accepting people from all different faiths.  You'll never any garbage like that if you don't find Jesus you're going to hell, or that demons will get you.  I hate those scare tactics, I'm pretty sure Jesus would be equally disappointed.

To me, spirituality is about self empowerment and finding our own meaning and higher calling in life.

I stay away from learning about anything that is dark, because it really can affect my psyche negatively.

I do think pre christian spirituality is cool, and I don't think that people who explore it are heathens.

Let's face it, all those holy wars and crusades and witch hunts were not about spirituality or purity, and were very evil in their own right.  It was only about political control, and people being controlled by religion.  

My english professors made me aware that we are all story tellers, and every culture has its own "mythology" about  creationism, what happens when you die, and ethics.  I don't think that any religions are really superior, but that they all point the way towards a greater relationship to the divine.  It's people, and their interpretation of religious texts to suit their own agenda that cause the problems.

Anyways, that's just a brief summary what helps me deal with my struggles:

1) Gratitude and setting positive intentions for the day

2) Positive self talk-even mantras

3) Mindfulness: I can be the observer of my negative chatter and not get so upset about it, just see it as a passing event in my stream of consciousness

4) Reiki and Healing touch-make sure you feel comfortable with the practitioner and that they have good energy

5) Sobriety, less dark, low vibrations

6) Good old AA, because people are real, and they do find a spiritual basis for living life

7)Christianity- I love the positive aspects, not the fear mongering

8) The peacefulness of Buddha

9)Nature

10)Divine experiences, hearing the right song at the right time, encountering the right person at the right time to help with an issue etc.

11)Power of prayer and meditation

12) Power of letting go, all we can do is our part and ask our higher power to help us with the right outcome and the acceptance of life on life's terms

13)Not thinking less of myself, but thinking of myself less often-its pretty easy for me to get stuck analyzing my problems, which tends to be useless, instead of seeing where I could be assistance to those around me.  I always feel better when I choose the later.

Lately I've been exploring Shamanism, I really like it, but I'm also super intuitive and it's actually abit scary.  You really do get to see beyond the vail, and its bait overwhelming, so I'm feeling it out for myself slowly.  So far I've gotten so many life giving messages.  I think it's that hardcore Christian perspective that everything pre christian is just demons etc that scares me.  (Like I said I'm very easily scared by that  kind of dogma.)

Two weekends ago, I went to a workshop on shamanism,  and I was overwhelmed by the wealth of spiritual resources that I encountered.  I'll write more about it once I've fully integrated the teachings.  All I know is that every animal comes from the divine, and has a lot to teach humans.  Nothing dark about that.  So far the Penguin has helped me tons, with its gracefulness and purpose during challenging circumstances.

Another participant brought back a power animal for me during the workshop.  I thought it was a bit silly at the time.  Turns out this animal has tons of good stuff to help me overcome depression.

The turtle and its message of self protection and self love has been speaking to me in gentle ways.  I went to a play last night and my depression was talking shit to me and I was a bit scared. I saw my mom's cousin, a very spiritual person, and she had on turtle earrings, and green oceanic accessories.  Hugging her, I knew that turtle was telling me everything would be alright, and it is!

Another Terrible Trip to the Psychiatrist's Office, Is There light at the End of the Tunnel?

I haven't written for awhile, because I wanted to be the kind of enlightened mental health writer that always has some fresh perspective on my recovery from depression.  Turns out it's a one day at a time struggle for me just like everyone else.  I also realized I don't really like doing research for every article, and so this blog is going be part of a larger project called "Breaking Free" An Alternative Approach to Depression and Bipolar, or something along those lines.  It will be semi autobiographical and consist of edited blog entries under different time periods or ideas about mental health….we shall see….

So lets get back to the story that is unfolding shall we? I have had five months depression free since doing a really short round of rtms. I got lucky, because it worked so well, but it didn't propel be into a mild hypomanic state, but instead left me with residual depressive symptoms, which I have been experiencing to some degree ever since.  I actually think this might be a good thing because it's giving me a chance to use my tools, while the depression is much smaller than me.

So now to my interpretation of Wednesday's doctors appointment….

The preceding week I had been feeling a bit tired of the daily grind, and a part of me just wanted to give up and let the negative thoughts run the show for awhile.  I was hoping that the Doctor would reaffirm that I was doing a pretty good job overall, which I am.

Sitting in his office I wrote the following…

Sometimes I wish this life could be easy and carefree all of the time,

My mind calm and collected,

An ocean of tranquility.

Instead the ocean is unruly,

Ripetides like Tofino,

Dragging me towards the rocks.

Now is not the time to panic,

But to swim diagonally towards the shore.

I am a pretty strong swimmer, and this did happen during a depressive bout, and my survival instinct did figure out how to get back to the shore quite easily.  I remember an intense feeling of calm and certainty that even though I was depressed, I wanted my life quite badly and I could trust my instincts and swim at an angle.  Sure enough, wave by wave, I got closer to my sister and her boyfriend who were oblivious to the fact I was in trouble.

Anyways, I read this to him, and he said…

"Only bipolar people can right prose like that. What symptoms possessed you to write that?"

Me: "Mid afternoon tiredness, fear of depressive thoughts…wishing things where easier."

Him:  " Do you have racing thoughts?"

Me: "Not really, maybe occasionally."

Him: "Are you anxious?"

Me: "On bad days for up to 30 min"

Him: "Did you know these mixed bipolar states are eating a hole in your brain?"

At this point I'm pretty taken back, not the kind of help I was looking for. He went on to explain bipolar damages your neurons.  Definitely a scare tactic.

Me: "That's pretty harsh, do you want to let me know what builds neurons?"

Him: "medications, mindfulness and exercise."

Well he's got two out of three, lol.

Anyways the rest of the appointment was spent with him telling me I'm oppositional and hard to work with, at which point I defended my right to have my own opinions based on my experiences.

We did reach the conclusion that I need to completely abstain from nicotine, because it can cause sleep issues, agitation and tiredness.  Fair enough, I have 48 hours nicotine free today!

I went back to my truck, dumbfounded, and on the Christian radio station I heard a song about God bringing us back to shore.  It was as though my higher power was answering my prayer, because psychiatry certainly was incapable of such a feat.

Later that day I went into an AA meeting, and when it was my time to share, I burst into tears.

I was so sad, I wanted assurance, but all I got was Bipolar is eating a whole in your brain and you need 5  medications instead of 4.  WOW…

Some kind people offered their words of wisdom:

"Take it one day at a time sweetheart, one hour at a time if you have too…"

Another member read me the following:

" As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day “Thy will be done.” We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We to not tire so easily for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves. "
From Alcoholics Anonymous: The Story of How Thousands of Men and Women Have Recovered, the so-called “AA Big Book,” 87-88. (AA World Services, Inc., New York, NY, 2001).

At this point I felt like I could go on, and stop obsessing about my apparently broken brain.

I than realized I'd lost my $700 IPhone…not to cool.  So I drove back to Calgary and retraced by steps. Sure enough, my cell phone was in the field by the psychiatrists office.

In the name of my own self esteem and self worth, I decided to let my psychiatrist know that that ignorant "bipolar is eating a hole in your brain" comment was hurtful.  I needed to go in there with no expectations of a positive outcome.

Fear and anxiety over confrontation made me feel like a nervous jello woman.  I went down to the river  to pray, and found a small pocket rock to give me strength for the 2nd face-off, with Calgary's self proclaimed Bipolar specialist.

Sitting in this office, images of emperor penguins danced across the television screen, and I knew my spirit helpers where near, and that this was important.

To be honest, the 2nd meeting was no better than the first.  When I told him how I felt, he said:

"What do you want, for me to lie to you?"

Fuck, what an asshole, I thought to myself.

I remained calm and collected.

I told him that in my experience, healers need to help build their clients strength and help them mitigate their problems.

He than told me I shouldn't be making friends with my illness, and that I needed another moodstablizer because I was under medicated.

I got the last word thought…

I told him I was going to write the alternative guide to living with bipolar, and he could preface it.

I left happier, lighter.  We both agreed no cigarettes for a month and see how I feel.  Sean will be coming with me next time, because my psychiatrist agrees with our light handed approach to medications when another person is present.

I went there looking for his approval, so that I could feel empowered.  Strangely his complete disregard for my holistic approach only solidified my truth:

I am no longer looking for a pill or a diagnosis to feel good about myself.  I will find my strength by sharing my journey with others and being of service to humanity.

I watched Intervention the other day, and I was moved to tears.  An alchoholic who left a trail of destruction and misery in her life, turns around and finds sobriety and goes onto be a drug and alcohol counsellor, and save hundreds of lost souls. All of her pain and suffering is transformed and becomes a catalyst for helping others.

As I was crying and sharing at AA, I said "I just pray that all of my depression and my attempts to find meaningful and sustainable recovery will eventually help someone else so that there can be meaning in all my suffering."  May this be so. Amen.

Watch out for overly indoctrinated, polypharmaceuticalist psychiatrists.

Stick with your penguins.

Depression and Addiction, a Double Edged Sword

Hello Everyone,
Hope you're all coping well with all life ups and downs.  I recently got the opportunity to go to Vancouver Island and see some friends and pay my final respects to an amazing friend that helped me early in my recovery. My journey in recovering from binge drinking and occasional drug use has been a breeze compared to my ongoing recovery from depression.

Along the way, alot of people who had never struggled with clinical depression gave me their two cents on the issue.  Even close family members have told me I just need to embrace the power of positive thinking in the midst of an episode. For someone to tell me that is like telling an overweight person they can climb everest.

Active depression feels like a horrible loop in my brain has been activated, a whole separate circuitry in my brain that is pathological and unable to be reset without serious intervention.


I 've often felt frustrated by family doctors, friends and people at meetings.  They would provide simplistic solutions or attitudes towards my condition.  It often made me feel more alone and misunderstood, so I decided breaching the subject wasn't usually to helpful.  Being silent and sad was often better than trying to gain understanding and acceptance from "normal" people.

So I made this video before I went to the Island because I was really upset about losing my friend Jason to addiction and accidental overdose.  He would hang out with me during my darkest hours and I didn't feel like a burden on him because I felt that on some level he understood my suffering.  I didn't talk to him a lot about his issues, but they were obviously serious enough that inspite of having amazing friends, a great job,  and a great family he continued to want to escape from whatever was haunting him in recovery.  Jason was an amazing friend, he was funny and went the extra mile for his friends.

He left behind his family and his family in recovery, including his best friend and her 7 year old son, who saw Jason as a father figure.

The point is that both depression and addiction are serious issues and without getting successful treatment for the depression, its pretty hard to stay sober.

I just hope that we can all be here for one another, online and in person, and find compassion and understanding for those who have a harder path to walk in this lifetime.

Why Share my Story Anyways?

Find your inner child and nurture it to wholeness

If someone looked at my Facebook page, they would see a lot of my blog entries discussing depression. They might wonder if this is all that I care about, it's definitely not.  I love spirituality, art, nature, my family and friends and finding community.  I especially love discovering the sacred realities and interconnectedness of people and nature that underline all of life.

Why do I feel the need to keep sharing about depression, inspite of all the beauty in my world?

I advertise March of the Penguins to people on my FB page that I've only met a handful of times, people that I do not talk to on a regular basis, friends from back in the day that I share very little in common with, and people that just added me as a friend.

I wonder, do these "strangers" think it's weird that I keep posting this stuff about depression?

DO they secretly complain about it, in the same way cynical people complain about silly animal videos? Do they judge me unfavourably? 

Maybe they do…I don't know, I don't get much feedback from my writing.  All I know is 1200 people have read my blog and that's huge, because that means a lot of people feel the way I did when I found Therese Borchard's Blog, Beyond Blue.  For once, I realized that if a smart, attractive woman with her PHD in theology struggles with depression, maybe I could cut myself some slack.  When I was feeling awful, just knowing I wasn't alone was a lifeline.

I wish March of the Penguins was abit more interactive, but the fact that all these friends and strangers keep tuning in means a lot to me.  It means that this is serious SH*T for some people, and it's a daily battle just to stay happy amiss distressing symptoms, that come with and without provocation.

Today, I am improving, because I am learning to tolerate symptoms that used to cause me to spiral downwards. Do I still feel overwhelmed and pissed off that I continue to experience suffering inspite doing my best with my lifestyle, counselling, medications etc?  Of course I do, I'm human.  I just try to hold onto self love, and the idea that I can reprogram my brain, one  day at a time.  

Its still scary thought, I don't always know if Ill be strong enough not to get sucked back down the drain.  As much as I want to take ownership for my wellbeing, this Depression is a very real thing, and even though I am responsible for doing the best I can wish what I know about staying well, I realize I'm not wired the same as other people, and that I'm way more sensitive.  I can get imbalances that I can't shake without outside interventions and that's not reality for everyone.  It's scary and awful, and for those who read this who can relate, I'm truly sorry, and I just hope you can all learn to live well and manage this beast.

I do feel better and more in control of depression when I realize feelings pass, and honour my true struggles.   This is a hard time of year for me, my Mom was really sick this time two years ago, and I ended up losing her.  Last Valentine's day I was in a horrible depression and I have haunting memories of the pain I felt throughout the day.  I'm just so grateful that I'm in a better place, and I'm determined to keep fighting for my wellbeing, one day at a time.

I've come along ways since last year, I have an amazing partner, a beautiful home, and a successful business.  I'm a talented artist, and I am finally getting back into painting.  Everyday that I wake up well enough to choose to be reasonably happy is a blessing.

 This is way I write, because I know I'm not alone, and I need to realize that this isn't my fault or a weakness, its a genuine condition, that's gonna take many miles of Penguin Marching to get used to.  It's time to stop fighting myself for having this daily battle on my hands and to keep finding ways to support myself and validate the fact that I am strong and this SH*T is real, it's not a weakness of character.

 I'm having a hard night, and would love to here some uplifting words, and ideas about how to make March of the Penguins more interactive.

Maybe I'll start with some questions?

What do you guys appreciate about my writing?

What would you like me to write about next?

Good Night All…Jeanne

My Story- Depression Introduces Its Self to Me While Tree Planting...

Me, Depressed in my early 2o's

Last post, I touched on my formative years and my foray into self abuse and alcoholism.

Tonight's post will be equally uncomfortable for me to write about, because this "condition" has stolen so much from me and I have yet to make peace with it and appreciate its presence in my life.

I even hate the word…D E P R E S S I O N.

I feel like if I say it 3 times it will appear like Bloody Mary.

But, I guess if I'm gonna have a blog about it, I gotta talk about it, so no one thinks I'm a lightweight, just spewing rainbows and sunshine, and penguin marches, with no real insight of how dark life can really be.

It struck me first when I was around 22, and went tree planting.  I told my then overbearing father to shove it, and decided firmly in my young mind I wasn't going to look to him for ANYTHING, and come hell or high water I was going to make my own money and live by my own rules.

I instantly felt very alone.  Even though the semester prior to tree planting, I was living downtown, was a regular at hip hop and rave nights, and was drinking heavily and experimenting with cocaine, I had an aversion to the other tree planters.  I had this weird jock idea (I was a college runner) that being a stoner was bad news.  Well, tree planters are a special breed.  I remember hippy men and women that didn't bathe, wore ratty clothes, played the guitar and smoked weed.  I also remember having to share hotel rooms with strangers that were much older than me, that I had nothing in common with, other than that we all had possibly the worst job on earth.

So I kept to myself.  For hours and hours alone in a barren, devastated wilderness, with a bag full of little trees.  I was going insane, obsessing about all that had gone on in my life and trying to make sense of it all.  Fear and anxiety started to take root.  Within a month, I didn't want to leave my tent, spoke to no one, and only took joy in eating the cookies they made in camp.  I was so alone and miserable, and I had lost my sense of self.  It was a frightening and depersonalizing experience.  Gone was the down for anything, good times, extroverted Jeanne.  I felt like a shell of my former self, just painfully going through the motions.  I felt like my soul was gone on vacation and I was just Jeanne's body waiting for Jeanne's spirit to return.

That's what is felt like the first time, and thats what is has felt like ever since.

I eventually came back to my Dad's house, mid August, with my head between my legs, and found very little support from my family, they pretty much told me to get over it and to stop mopping around and sleeping all day. I think my Mom thought it was serious and probably encouraged me to get help.  I went to my doctors office and got my first prescription for an ssri.  

I also started school again, which really helped.  I remember kinda feeling weird around my friends, but trying to be cool and just keeping my conversations really short in case they realized there was something wrong with me.  I went through the motions, doing my second year assignments, which at least gave me something to focus on.  (With depression, it didn't really matter if I was working, I couldn't escape the heavy, tired feeling and the constant fear that something was just not right.)

Than one day, while I was painting, I stated to actually enjoy what I was doing, and feel connected to the moment that I was experiencing, and I noticed some of the heaviness was lifting.  I used the positive  momentum to shift back to my normal self.  It's been really weird for me, it seems like the depression eventually just vaporizes and I feel like myself within a period of a day or two.

I stayed well for another 9 months, until the school year ended, and I was once again without structure or direction, and fell back into the same trap.  I remember having the hardest summer, spending hours in bed at my Mom's house and sometimes hanging out with my then boyfriend, a talented film maker, who had also experienced depression, and was ok with hanging out with me, even if I was silent and unhappy.

***

More to follow….this is hard to write because I want everything to have a positive slant…but dealing with recurrent depression is like living in your own private hell,  not the fire and brimstone type, but a silent, unchanging and seemingly never ending one…not something I would wish on anyone, and not something that any of us to do ourselves intentionally.

My story…the wounded healer…part 1

Recently, I began chatting with someone on Facebook, that was struggling with similar issues to me, depression and grief, and that sense of alienation that so many creative people can experience at times.
I was asked to share my story, and I sort of froze, because I didn't know how to proceed.
I guess they were struggling, and even though it's kind of comforting that someone talks about recovery from depression, I can relate to wanting to devour someone else's words to see if they really understand what suffering really means.

Its hard for me to write about suffering without writing about joy, because I really believe that those whose hearts and souls  have been touched with insufferable pain, have somehow made room for the heights of beauty and understanding that encompasses the human spirit.  Artists feel things deeply, they have a wider range of emotions to draw from when creating art.  I believe that all emotions come from somewhere, and that we can heal a lot of mental illness if we start to love ourselves and our feelings, instead of being upset that we're so sensitive or moody, or different.

So to help my friend, I will disclose abit about my suffering…

As a young kid, I always felt like there was something different or wrong with me, because of the reactions other kids had towards me, especially after failing kindergarden. I didn't have a great sense of self, or parents that were emotionally available enough to see how much I was suffering.  They were struggling in their marriage and busy with careers, and I didn't want to disappoint them by telling them I got picked on in school, they had enough problems. I definitely have some happy childhood memories, but there was a moody little girl brewing inside me ever since I was five years old, that would shape my view of life for years to come…. I showed my parents what they wanted to see, great student, good at art, a reasonably happy kid.  I kept up this charade until about the 7th grade, when I decided if you can't join the cool kids, be badder that they are, so that they are afraid of you and give you some respect.

This lead me down an interesting path, my wanderings between the world of the lost souls, that abuse themselves and others, and numb themselves to deal with pain and the world or high school and art college.

My one claim to fame from that time period is that I got pretty decent at graffiti, which gave me credit when I was out there getting messed up at bars and house parties.

Still the damage I did to my psyche, the abuse I went through by allowing myself to be under the influence around sick people, and the harrowingly close to death moments I faced, weren't really what I was looking for.  I was looking for myself.

Tomorrow I'll write more about my struggles with recurrent depression, how it feels, and what I have figured out so far to stay well one day at a time….

Creativity For Depression

Hey Penguins…

Missed you all a whole lot! Was pretty busy helping Sean with our new landscape company…Northern Elements! Anyways, I just shot a quick video last night about making Vision Boards for mental health and I hope you all enjoy it.  Also here are some of my "therapeutic drawings." Please don't judge. lol

the characters

           

 When will it end?

Grief

 talking back