Down Turns

Im so angry and hurt right now.   I'm so close to having a life worth living. My first month of landscaping went well, but I was burning the candle on both ends trying to keep up.  I met someone worth caring about, that's been kind and wanted to date me after a year of getting strung along by emotionally unavailable people.

I guess the constant stress of getting back to work started getting to me.  I felt some cracks in the fault line of my being.  I pushed through and was pretty productive.  I was working, going to yoga, swimming, going to meetings.

The sadness started seeping back in and over the last week I feel like its permeated into every aspect of my being.  My client asked if I was ok today, and I feel a marked sense of me being lost in my own
life.  A sad stand in for my former vibrant self.  A woman watching her life without being able to draw any meaning or joy from it.  Feeling cut off from her essence and from the magic and mystery of the universe.  Looking at the stars and feeling alienated and lonely in-spite of the beauty and majesty of the night sky.

All I want is to face this with courage and grace, and not give into the powerlessness and sense of loss.  Because I've had so many episodes its easy to feel like getting washed into the vast ocean of lost days and months and predicting this will last for months.

I really have to take it day by day.  I don't know what the future holds, I don't want to predict the worst.  I just want to hold onto my scared, tired soul and reassure her that she will be ok.  I'
ve worked so hard to deal with all the issues that were dragging me down and there isn't a lot for this depression to feed on.

I definitely need the support of a powerful plant medicine called ibogaine that I ran out of last week. That has helped me cope with my condition more than anything in the last 4 months, and I'm so grateful I found something that beneficial.

Until I can get access to the medicine I need, I'll just focus on one day at a time, one action at a time.
Back to the basics.  I've been here before....that doesn't make it any easier....just when I was starting to run, I got tripped up and I'm back to crawling again.

Anyone who has to go through this is amazingly strong and a huge badass, and I hope theres a reward in the afterlife.

Having to Surrender

The last week has been pretty hard, I've been to the edge of what I think I can handle in terms of feeling like my mind is falling into familiar patterns of negativity.  Stress has triggered wave after wave of reminders of where depression has taken me.  All the powerlessness and loss I've experienced. Months of living without knowing without any spark or joy.  Its overwhelming and terrifying dealing with a mental illness, and theres only so much I can do. Looking backwards is scary and yet I made it through.

Lately, I've had to come to a place of acceptance in order to move forward.  Whats happened to me has been terrible and largely beyond my control.  I've done my best everyday dealing with the cards I've been dealt. I didn't ask for this, but it'd my life and I want to make the most of it.

This morning fear gripped me, I felt anxiety and remembered the days I couldn't shake the feeling I was sinking all day.  Days where I never got any serenity and fought from the moment I got up until I went to sleep to keep moving.  Than I remembered a powerful insight I had yesterday.

I was fighting my depression, and telling myself I was going to be ok and I was gonna be able to stop the intrusive thoughts on my own.  Deep down I knew I didn't have control over those thoughts coming on and telling myself I could change the fact I have a mental illness that causes automatic negative thoughts wasn't working.  I'm simply not that powerful!

So I turned it over, and I told myself, "I've done my best, and I don't know what the outcome is going to be, but I trust God to get me through this whatever the outcome will be."
"Your will not mine be done. "  A flood of relief came over me.  I didn't need to believe that the worst was going to happen and I didn't need to control the outcome.

Later that night, I went to an AA meeting and cried admitting I don't have this under control and that I need to surrender and let life run its course.  I can't assume the worst and I can't force this illness to leave me alone.

Today I'm still shaky, and grieving the lack of control over whats happened in the past, but something inside me knows depression hasn't gotten hold of the core of me, and my spirit is still intact.  I don't know how or why that is but I'm grateful.  I feel like I can handle whats going on and be my own best friend, and be compassionate towards the woman who has been through so many struggles and made it out the other side.  I'm surrendering alot sooner, and that feels like progress.

Fighting back on the Hard Days

One good days I forget how hard I have to fight in moments like this.  I forget that living a normal life and managing all the stresses is hard for everyone but especially for people with mood disorders.

Readjusting my routine to working full time has been amazing at moments and terrifying at others.

My business is thriving but inside I feel like I'm dying at this moment.  I don't know how I'll ever learn to manage feeling so overwhelmed with constant demands from customers and to take care of my mental health at the same time.

I find myself up late, drinking red bull, chewing nicorette, just trying to get through emails and design projects. I know this isn't going to work forever, but I keep pushing.

Tonight, it all started crashing down on me.  A simple request to do some gardening early in the morning, triggered a wave of feeling hopelessness and despair.  I watched in horror as my mind started spiralling towards depression, remembering acutely the other episodes and hearing an overwhelming voice tell me it had me and I was going to drown.

I think another part of me held my hand, and silently fought back.  It reminded me I can't trust this awful voice and sometimes, as scary as it might be, I can't trust my own thinking at all.

Its like an awful raincloud, and sometimes its gonna fuck you up, and scare the shit out of you, but as long as you don't feed it, it will pass.  I have to remind myself that this is my reaction to stress, that an unhealthy neural circuitry wants me to spiral into a place of "safety." 

I did a few things differently, which was awkward but felt good.  I reached out to my roommate and let her support me.  Even scarier, I reached out to a guy I just started dating, that seems quite genuine, and tried to have a normal conversation, instead of isolating in my pain.  He definitely didn't think that me starting work at 830 was a big deal, and he kinda normalized the situation, but I definitely didn't want to explain to him how much agony being put under pressure was doing to me, because my reactions are at least 10 times as intense as most peoples.  Afterwards I just texted him and said, I was having an off night, and his kind response meant a lot to me.

I think its to easy to assume that just because other people don't understand what we're going through that they don't care about us.  I'm glad I'm finally letting other people see me when I'm feeling clumsy and sad and unable to cope.  Because honestly, theres nothing worse than feeling alone when that monster strikes.  Just knowing people care makes a huge difference.

I also think people with mood disorders that push past the boundaries of what their safety zone is need to give ourselves more credit.  We need to appreciate ourselves for how hard we fight to do what other people take for granted, but when we live up to our potential it's kind of amazing.  

Recovery Means Letting go of Toxic People-Annnnd Shutting down Tinder!

Well this post has been along time coming.  I didn't know how to write it because I didn't know if I could change, and free myself from the bondage I found myself wrapped up in.

I left a codependant relationship, and found myself single for a year and a half.
I desperately wanted love and validation from the opposite sex.  I wanted a man to save me, help me deal with feelings of inadequacy, fear of running a business, and loneliness.

I got really lost looking outside myself for something I needed to give myself.
Deep wounds of an emotionally ambivalent father caused me to chase emotionally unavailable men.
I started to take it all personally, and felt more and more unlovable and unworthy.

For over a year, I let a man I was in love with tell me he was a commitment phobe and refuse to date me, giving me the friends with benefits title.  He gave me just enough to keep hanging around. It was soul destroying and awful.  He was never going to honour me, and his lifestyle of being high or drunk when he wasn't working didn't help the situation.  I was so angry, I found recovery, but this person had no interest in changing.  I kept looking to him to change his life and show me I was worth something. It never happened and probably never will.

That set the bar pretty low for what I expected and tolerated, and Tinder brought me to a new rock bottom.  I think men can sense our vulnerability and lack of self love.  Looking for love in all the wrong places.  Men would literally tell me they were to busy to go for coffee but would be happy to tie me up to their bed.  A couple of empty hookups, and a 25 year old literally running out the front door after we hooked up was a pretty big wake up call.

They never wanted to get to know me, they wanted a conquest.  So I deleted Tinder, and started doing the 12 Steps around relationships.  The hardest relationship to mend will be the one with myself.
I let myself be so open and vulnerable and got used.  Today I finally hung out with someone that was genuine and wanted to get to know me.  It's a relief, but I'm gonna have to go slow, and start believing I deserve better, and pray that I've learned my lesson.

Emotionally unavailable people can be beautiful, charming and extremely sexually appealing, but at the end of the day, theres no substance, and honestly their lack of integrity and ability to value themselves or another person beyond a superficial hook up doesn't feed my soul.

Finding Peace After Anxiety

I believe that peace of mind is one of the most precious things on earth.  Its something I don't value until its gone.  The stress of the last week has pushed be to my breaking point, and only God knows how I'm going to get through this.

Anyone with mental illness knows how terrifying the human experience can be, when our mind turns on us and we become our own worst enemy.  All serenity is lost and the truth of God's grace and love is completely clouded by fear, anxiety and powerlessness.  Its like getting stuck in a riptide or a giant wave and getting pummelled around, suffocating for air.

I've worked incredibly hard this week to keep a couple of dozen clients happy, to do landscape design under tight schedules, get spring clean ups done, and deal with revenue Canada.  I couldn't get out of my head, there was always one more lose end to tie up.  The overwhelming feeling that this would continue indefinately wade heavy on me. My nervous system was in fight, flight or freeze response and I didn't feel like a human being, just a human doing.

Within a couple days of this constant over stimulus, a secondary, much scarier process kicked in, horrible depressive rumination.  I've been constantly bombarded with,

"You're not strong enough to survive in this world"
"You're Failing"
"You're can't shift out of this mindset you're going to fall again."
"Your not as capable as people without mental illness"
"This feeling will never leave"

There's nothing scarier than a brain thats threatening to shut down 75% of its mental capacity.

Yet somehow I made it through.  My higher self cut through all of the anguish, and spoke to my scared inner child, telling me,

"Everyone gets overwhelmed sometimes, everything going to be ok...."
"You're doing your best..."
"I'm sorry this is happening, its ok to be angry, to cry to reach out...."
"You're safe....nothing bad is going to happen...."

I'm still shook up, my history with depression has been devastating, but somehow I've found some peace tonight.  When my mind gives up on me, I have to surrender, let it pass and try to get grounded in a better reality.
I think my spirit is stronger than my mind.  It knows I can find balance this season between doing yard work and doing recovery.  It knows how proud I am that I keep overcoming these challenges.
It encourages me to take comfort in a burning candle, the sunset over the mountains or watching the cats decide whether they should jump off the balcony.  So just for tonight, I trust my spirit, and I trust the process and stop giving those terrible episodes more credit than they deserve.  I want to find mastery and I will, if I keep doing my best and letting my higher power guide my thoughts away from the past episodes and all my fears, and focus on my strength and resiliency. Shalom.

Alien Princess, Life as a Spiritual Being Having a Human Experience

Another day on planet earth,what a fucking drag.  The sun comes up, orbits around the planet and the moon rises.  365 days a year until I die or an orbit crashes down on my house.  Sometimes I wish it would.  My suburban hell hole is situated ontop of a vista overlooking the mountains.  The wind shakes this crafty cardboard palace, my earthship.

I have it good, by earth standards.  I live like a mother fucking princess.  I have a wicked truck, tons of crystals, sectionals for days, creature comforts and two hilarious cats.  I also live with a boss fairy,
she's fucking awesome.  Her life game is strong, I gave her two certificates of excellence, one for "life skills and being awesome" and the other one for "being a babe and scoring."

So why am I such a grumpy, moody, bratty baby monster?

Easy, I must have been an alien princess, dropped off on earth as a baby.  I've been waiting for 35 years to be returned to my home planet.  The idea of doing a life sentence in this flesh body is overwhelming.  I want to finish my mission and return to my home planet or heaven or whatever.

People say I'm an earth angel.  They say I'm a stargate.  An alien send here to study human energy patterns and transcend darkness into light.  Holy fuck what an order!

Well some days I resent being given a mental disorders to find mastery over....
I actually can't believe my creator thought I was bad ass enough to live well with bi-polar and ADHD. That I'd find a way to ignore the broken mind I've inherited and transcend the pain and suffering of some bad wiring and being incredibly sensitive.

I'm mad as hell that after 5 days of constant stress at work staring off my landscape season, my default is to want to start to spiral downwards, and that I literally have very little control over the horrible thoughts and feelings that start to surface.  My only defence is to stop analyzing those little bastards when I'm in a low state, refocus on anything, and see them as a symptom of stress not a permanent reality.  I know they are the shadows of low self esteem, childhood bullying, missing skills from childhood in terms of self validation and affirmation and a brain that goes off into fight, flight or freeze response to easily...

Anyways, my mission and everyones mission if they choose to accept it is to work towards finding a way to live well in-spite of the hardships of the human condition.  Its to be able to ask for help when we need it and to be able to help others that are suffering especially those with a similar plight.

So it looks like I'm gonna be here for awhile, navigating ugly low spots while aspiring towards lofty goals and moving towards mastery of my unique challenges and gifts.  Some days I sure wish that when they call my name at IKEA it's because the aliens have returned to bring me home, not just give me back my cell phone.  So I'll just do the best I can and stay strong knowing one day I'll be able to guide others in living well with various mental afflictions, because I learn the most from my tribe!