Having to Surrender

The last week has been pretty hard, I've been to the edge of what I think I can handle in terms of feeling like my mind is falling into familiar patterns of negativity.  Stress has triggered wave after wave of reminders of where depression has taken me.  All the powerlessness and loss I've experienced. Months of living without knowing without any spark or joy.  Its overwhelming and terrifying dealing with a mental illness, and theres only so much I can do. Looking backwards is scary and yet I made it through.

Lately, I've had to come to a place of acceptance in order to move forward.  Whats happened to me has been terrible and largely beyond my control.  I've done my best everyday dealing with the cards I've been dealt. I didn't ask for this, but it'd my life and I want to make the most of it.

This morning fear gripped me, I felt anxiety and remembered the days I couldn't shake the feeling I was sinking all day.  Days where I never got any serenity and fought from the moment I got up until I went to sleep to keep moving.  Than I remembered a powerful insight I had yesterday.

I was fighting my depression, and telling myself I was going to be ok and I was gonna be able to stop the intrusive thoughts on my own.  Deep down I knew I didn't have control over those thoughts coming on and telling myself I could change the fact I have a mental illness that causes automatic negative thoughts wasn't working.  I'm simply not that powerful!

So I turned it over, and I told myself, "I've done my best, and I don't know what the outcome is going to be, but I trust God to get me through this whatever the outcome will be."
"Your will not mine be done. "  A flood of relief came over me.  I didn't need to believe that the worst was going to happen and I didn't need to control the outcome.

Later that night, I went to an AA meeting and cried admitting I don't have this under control and that I need to surrender and let life run its course.  I can't assume the worst and I can't force this illness to leave me alone.

Today I'm still shaky, and grieving the lack of control over whats happened in the past, but something inside me knows depression hasn't gotten hold of the core of me, and my spirit is still intact.  I don't know how or why that is but I'm grateful.  I feel like I can handle whats going on and be my own best friend, and be compassionate towards the woman who has been through so many struggles and made it out the other side.  I'm surrendering alot sooner, and that feels like progress.