Down Turns

Im so angry and hurt right now.   I'm so close to having a life worth living. My first month of landscaping went well, but I was burning the candle on both ends trying to keep up.  I met someone worth caring about, that's been kind and wanted to date me after a year of getting strung along by emotionally unavailable people.

I guess the constant stress of getting back to work started getting to me.  I felt some cracks in the fault line of my being.  I pushed through and was pretty productive.  I was working, going to yoga, swimming, going to meetings.

The sadness started seeping back in and over the last week I feel like its permeated into every aspect of my being.  My client asked if I was ok today, and I feel a marked sense of me being lost in my own
life.  A sad stand in for my former vibrant self.  A woman watching her life without being able to draw any meaning or joy from it.  Feeling cut off from her essence and from the magic and mystery of the universe.  Looking at the stars and feeling alienated and lonely in-spite of the beauty and majesty of the night sky.

All I want is to face this with courage and grace, and not give into the powerlessness and sense of loss.  Because I've had so many episodes its easy to feel like getting washed into the vast ocean of lost days and months and predicting this will last for months.

I really have to take it day by day.  I don't know what the future holds, I don't want to predict the worst.  I just want to hold onto my scared, tired soul and reassure her that she will be ok.  I'
ve worked so hard to deal with all the issues that were dragging me down and there isn't a lot for this depression to feed on.

I definitely need the support of a powerful plant medicine called ibogaine that I ran out of last week. That has helped me cope with my condition more than anything in the last 4 months, and I'm so grateful I found something that beneficial.

Until I can get access to the medicine I need, I'll just focus on one day at a time, one action at a time.
Back to the basics.  I've been here before....that doesn't make it any easier....just when I was starting to run, I got tripped up and I'm back to crawling again.

Anyone who has to go through this is amazingly strong and a huge badass, and I hope theres a reward in the afterlife.