Recovery from Depression- A Journey not a Destination

As part of my journey of recovery from depression, I find the need for self reflection, and to transmute the sorrows I've experienced into some sort of wisdom for myself and others.  

Yesterday, I read a story of a beautiful young woman who was so upset with herself and with the cards life had handed her.  She had experienced the soul crushing weight of depression for two years and had finally found some reprieve, only to have her mood come crashing down on her again after only two weeks.

What a heartbreaking thing to have happen, and yet she is not alone in her fight for a decent life.  I hope that her brief remission is a sign things are starting to shift, because I believe that inspite of mental illness, joy is the birthright of all human beings.

All I can say is that recovery from depression tough road, but it 's much better for Penguins to march together, than to get stuck out in the subzero Antarctic wilderness alone. 

I am out of the throws of depression, and yet some symptoms remain.  I can either worry about them and drive myself downwards, or accept where I'm at and make small changes and see if some of the symptoms improve.  

This week I will consult with a naturopath about my diet.  As someone with a history of recurrent depression, I definitely want to rule out any dietary allergies to milk and gluten, as they are both inflammatory to the intestines and possibly the brain.  I also know my system is way to acidic, so I want to try to work on eating a more alkaline diet, and see if that helps.  I also know I have low blood sugar, and need to snack every 2-3 hours to keep my mood in check.

The second thing I need to work on is relaxation.  If I'm always hyped up or mildly stressed, I may be setting myself up for a future relapse, because I'm releasing cortisol, using up adrenal reserves etc. etc.  Is one thing to be mildly hypomanic for a short period of time and be creative or productive, and to be able to relax once I've finished a project, but its completely different when I ignore all the signs I'm on stress overload and push through anyways. I did this four months ago, only to end up in a 3 month slump.  Was it worth it?  I did get my drivers license after 4 stress inducing, self esteem crushing attempts, I did haggle with financial institutions for a mortgage for a first home, I did finish a business class, but NONE of those things was worth getting sick over.   I just pray I remember this when life starts taking on some momentum again.

Anyways…my point is, I've done a lot to get as far along as I have in understanding my illness, but there is always some fine tuning to do, and I'll never get it perfect.

Its only by accepting where I'm at, whether I'm hiding out in bed all day, having obsessive thoughts, or just mildly agitated, that I can make a change. Being down on myself for being a depressive doesn't make any sense.  Realizing its a disorder and doing small steps every day to get better does. I didn't choose this disorder, but one day at a time  I can start to regain some control over my life.

In one of my mom's final letters to me she wrote: "My hope is that some things can get easier for you in your life and more regulated."  I hope she can look down from heaven and see that her little Penguin is doing just fine.

 "And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."  AA Literature