Self Love Destroys the Beast

Sometimes, depression feels like a blood thirsty monster, that feed on our insecurities, low self image and fear.  It's a cruel beast, that not only rewires our thinking, but seduces us into believing it's lies are true.  It tells people things like:

"You're unworthy of happiness."
"You did this to yourself, you're lazy."
"You're unworthy of the love of others"….etc…etc.

It's so full of SH*T, it's incredible.  Sometimes in the midst of a bout, it seems unrelenting, unbearable and insurmountable.  Its pretty understandable that so many of us curl up in bed, hoping that the monster will leave us alone for a few hours, while we try to get some sleep.  When depression is this full on, the best I can do is keep repeating things like:

"Its not me, it's my brain, depression is a real medical illness."
"I am not lazy, I am doing the best I can under this insufferable weight."
"Why don't I go do xyz and ignore these thoughts for awhile, knowing I am doing functional activities and that I will feel better than moping around feeding depression."

Even when I "keep on keeping on" during a depression, the beast has just as much energy to keep on jogging along side my best efforts.

So what does a person have to do anyways?

For me, my lifesaving grace, has been that little tiny glimmer of self esteem.  It's that resilience that can look at myself in the mirror during a depression, and acknowledge that I'm doing the best I can.  I still keep eating well, exercising, getting up before noon, and going out to get groceries, run errands etc. I don't feel like I can communicate or relate to others, but I silently endure the company of others at least a few times a week, even if in my mind I completely loathe this version of myself.  Most importantly, I can reach out to experts, doctors, naturopaths and psychologists etc, to figure out what I may be overlooking in my treatment plan.


Now that I'm on the other side, and experiencing a period of relative mental wellbeing, I can really see how deep I've let this beast take root.  I'm talking about something pretty serious, and that's 25 years or more of low self esteem, and the patterns and literal grooves in my neural circuitry I've created.


That's right I said it, my maladapted thoughts, starting at age 5,  gave rise to my depression. Sure there were situational factors, like failing kindergarden, getting bullied, struggling to form meaningful friendships as a youth, and bad parenting, that didn't recognize how F**CKED up I was getting, but it was my little brain that saw myself as a failure, a loser and a misfit.  Some might say, I had a biological predisposition for this as well…I think my parents where kinda moody and sometimes deeply troubled individuals.

My ray of hope? The love that has been imparted on me throughout my journey, by teachers, parents, friends, members of the community etc.  And that light inside my soul, that has always lit up when I recognized that all the good things people said about me where true.  Thats what needs feeding to destroy depression's chances at winning the battle for a meaningful existence.

That part of me that sees my own beauty and talents and light.  The part of me that screams:

I am good enough!

I am lovable!

I am one of God's creatures, no better or worse than anyone else!

I am a talented artist and writer,

I have a great sense of humour,

I am compassionate and can help myself and others to break their own self limiting thoughts and actions!

My art and activism career will pay off,  I will be self actualized, and the change the world needs!

I have a successful landscaping business!

My pain and suffering will be transformed!

I believe that no matter how fat your monster has gotten feeding on your self esteem, your light is greater! That's why you are still alive, and fighting! Find that tiny spark inside yourself, that still believes that you are a talented, a gift to the world and can be happy again and start to feed it…pretty soon self love will champion depression. I promise.