The Angry Little Penguin…Rant about why mental illness sucks but so do the drugs they prescribe...

Hello Penguins!

So I'm kinda frustrated today.  I feel dumber than a doorknob….I feel like if someone threw a ball at my head I would probably get hit, because my responses and brain are so slow…Why? because I stayed up late, watching movies and eating sugar, and than felt mildly hypomanic and took 100 mg of seroquel (instead of 50-75 for sleep).  I swear to God that drug makes me feel like I've had a chemical lobotomy, scary stuff.  And yet people are prescribed in excess of 600 mg….I know I have a low tolerance but geez!

I get it, psychiatrists these days are busy and their whole job is too prescribe drugs based on symptoms. The first time I when to a psychiatrist when I was 24, I thought they where more like modern day Freud's or Carl Jung's…you tell them about your whole history….dysfunctional family, bullied at school, sexual abuse, addiction etc etc and they get you!  They see the big pattern!

Nope, unlikely story.  Man, was I disappointed.

Well here I am 8 years later, a little smarter, a little wiser, schooled by a few more episodes of depression, and still trying to get to the root of the problem. So far antidepressants and a mood stabilizer have done very little to alter the course of this "condition."  The best I have done in the last 8 years was 2 years depression free with a really low dose ssri.  Why did I do so well?

I moved to Nanaimo, got a fresh start, quit drinking and drugs, and made a lot of healthy friends in recovery.  The treatment centre I went to helped me get on a good schedule, eat well, exercise, find spirituality and get perspective on my life.

I'm starting to feel like I can take responsibility for more and more of my depression, and that I don't want to be a victim of psychiatry's poly-pharmaceutical reign of terror, or a victim of my own depression.

Its not that those drugs don't help, if prescribed carefully, but thats never been my experience.  Because our system is so taxed, and I'm not severely bipolar, for the most part I only get to see GP's or walk in doctors for help with psych meds.  In Calgary you get a "consult" with a psychiatrist for meds and pushed back to the GP.  Its abit sad.

Oh well, I don't really trust to many psychiatrists anyways…I wonder when the last time they read something about mindfulness, or pyscho analysis, or addiction medicine, or family systems, instead of the latest drug companies study on the drug or diagnosis of the month.

Furthermore, psychiatrists and pharmacist's pretty much dismiss anything that come from holistic medicine, because the studies aren't as prevalent.  I don't know, isn't 5000 years of use of plant medicine worth taking seriously?
My recent psychiatrist said that counselling doesn't alter the course of bipolar illness at all, just helps us become better people.  That's not true for me…changing my thoughts and attitudes towards myself and life in general does seem to help.  SO does behaviour modification, like getting out of bed before noon.  Just sayin'


So for today, I'm going to make the most of this tired, unmotivated, seroquel hung-over Jeanne.  I'm glad I'm not depressed, and I can slowly and painfully to my chores and try to do some research.  I'm not making this mistake again!

My prayer for all who suffer is to slowly become less of a victim of your depression.  Yes it sucks, its terrible, and we don't always have control, especially when we have a full blown episode.  That doesn't mean we can't really get to know ourselves and what works for us, and challenge the status quo when it come to treatment.  I'm rooting for all the penguins!  Together we can brave this challenging condition!