The Angry Little Penguin…Rant about why mental illness sucks but so do the drugs they prescribe...

Hello Penguins!

So I'm kinda frustrated today.  I feel dumber than a doorknob….I feel like if someone threw a ball at my head I would probably get hit, because my responses and brain are so slow…Why? because I stayed up late, watching movies and eating sugar, and than felt mildly hypomanic and took 100 mg of seroquel (instead of 50-75 for sleep).  I swear to God that drug makes me feel like I've had a chemical lobotomy, scary stuff.  And yet people are prescribed in excess of 600 mg….I know I have a low tolerance but geez!

I get it, psychiatrists these days are busy and their whole job is too prescribe drugs based on symptoms. The first time I when to a psychiatrist when I was 24, I thought they where more like modern day Freud's or Carl Jung's…you tell them about your whole history….dysfunctional family, bullied at school, sexual abuse, addiction etc etc and they get you!  They see the big pattern!

Nope, unlikely story.  Man, was I disappointed.

Well here I am 8 years later, a little smarter, a little wiser, schooled by a few more episodes of depression, and still trying to get to the root of the problem. So far antidepressants and a mood stabilizer have done very little to alter the course of this "condition."  The best I have done in the last 8 years was 2 years depression free with a really low dose ssri.  Why did I do so well?

I moved to Nanaimo, got a fresh start, quit drinking and drugs, and made a lot of healthy friends in recovery.  The treatment centre I went to helped me get on a good schedule, eat well, exercise, find spirituality and get perspective on my life.

I'm starting to feel like I can take responsibility for more and more of my depression, and that I don't want to be a victim of psychiatry's poly-pharmaceutical reign of terror, or a victim of my own depression.

Its not that those drugs don't help, if prescribed carefully, but thats never been my experience.  Because our system is so taxed, and I'm not severely bipolar, for the most part I only get to see GP's or walk in doctors for help with psych meds.  In Calgary you get a "consult" with a psychiatrist for meds and pushed back to the GP.  Its abit sad.

Oh well, I don't really trust to many psychiatrists anyways…I wonder when the last time they read something about mindfulness, or pyscho analysis, or addiction medicine, or family systems, instead of the latest drug companies study on the drug or diagnosis of the month.

Furthermore, psychiatrists and pharmacist's pretty much dismiss anything that come from holistic medicine, because the studies aren't as prevalent.  I don't know, isn't 5000 years of use of plant medicine worth taking seriously?
My recent psychiatrist said that counselling doesn't alter the course of bipolar illness at all, just helps us become better people.  That's not true for me…changing my thoughts and attitudes towards myself and life in general does seem to help.  SO does behaviour modification, like getting out of bed before noon.  Just sayin'


So for today, I'm going to make the most of this tired, unmotivated, seroquel hung-over Jeanne.  I'm glad I'm not depressed, and I can slowly and painfully to my chores and try to do some research.  I'm not making this mistake again!

My prayer for all who suffer is to slowly become less of a victim of your depression.  Yes it sucks, its terrible, and we don't always have control, especially when we have a full blown episode.  That doesn't mean we can't really get to know ourselves and what works for us, and challenge the status quo when it come to treatment.  I'm rooting for all the penguins!  Together we can brave this challenging condition!

Time for a New Year's Resolution...

Hello Penguins!

Hope everyone is hanging in there…the holidays are tough!  I guess that's why they say take it "one day at a time!"  Sometimes, when I have to much time on my hands I start to worry about my mental health, which is not helpful at all!  So I'm going to put my energies towards coming up with some solid new years resolutions, and go through my blog and make sure I'm practicing what I preach!

For starters, I'm going to think positively about my talents and abilities and my career!  I have some great ideas brewing for social activism and the arts and can't wait to get started on meetings and grant writing!  I'd tell you guys more but as they say, "it's better to tell people what you're doing after you're done with it!"

Also, I've been really anxious about my last doctor's visit, because he told me Bipolar people all suffer with anxiety and hypomania and that I should take more drugs.  Yucky!  My antidepressants can cause those issues, so I'd rather get to the root of the problem! Good think I believe in having a balanced team when it comes to mental health. 

Anyway's peeps, its one day at a time for this penguin!

Here is an article a friend sent me, I think it has some merit…if we think we're disordered it's more likely to perpetuate the problem.  If we believe we are in recovery, one day at a time, continent on following our own recovery program, I think we all stand a chance at a great life!

Living Consciously   December 26, 2014

Dear friends,

     If the body heals itself of one thing, such as a cut finger, it can heal itself of anything.  There is a mechanism within the body, called intelligence, that knows what to do to manifest the original pattern of perfection.  What interferes with it is our own fear and negativity.  These thoughts are energetics that inform the cells and act as instructions.  It has been shown in many studies that once a “patient” is labeled as “having” something with a name, their fear factor goes up and they have a harder time thinking clearly about what is happening.

     If we could be told, for example “this is a temporary manifestation of old stresses and is not as powerful as your own mind”  we would have a very different outcome.  It is fear that runs rampant in us, in the form of a disease, but it is dis-ease itself that is at Cause.  We are so well equipped to live in health and well being that we need not get sick and die;  we can simply leave this body when we are ready to do so.  We do not have to be ravaged with disease first.

     Our culture has brainwashed us into thinking we are sickly and weak and must consume massive amounts of drugs to survive.  I am appalled at the tv commercials advising us to ask our doctors about one pharmaceutical or another.  What a terrible message!  This is yet one more way of getting people to buy what they do not need!  Drug companies are for profit businesses.  They are not health practitioners.

     We must think for ourselves.  If we are experiencing dis-ease we must counteract it with meditation, not medication!  We need to take charge of our own mind and do whatever it takes to quiet it and restore it to deep faith in our own wholeness and capacity for natural healing.  This does not mean we never take an aspirin if we have a headache.  It means if headaches are a constant in our lives, then we must take stock of our life and figure out what is the cause!  It will be some stress that we can remove; either by action or by changing our perception.  We are only victims when we forget the nature of Mind.  It makes all things new.

Stay tuned in,

Dr. Carol Carnes www.carolcarnes.com

Is There a Magic Combination of Pills that Cures all Depression and Bipolar symptoms?

I've struggled with self worth my whole life.  I was bullied from kindergarden until grade 9.  I resorted to becoming more of a badass then everyone else.  That landed me in AA.  I started my journey of recovery 8 years ago.  I got 2 university degrees, prestigious public art commissions, my drivers license and a sweet truck.  I met my soulmate, and we have several successful small business ventures together.
I still struggle with depression.  The label of bipolar 2, has only given me a bigger stick to beat myself up with, and I feel like I can't win at times.  Having a wider range of emotions and getting stuck in depressive bouts if I stay under stress for too long has given me a label.

I went to my psychiatrist's office 2 days ago and I'm still pissed off about the appointment.

I went in after being depression free for 6 weeks. I told the doctor I still had symptoms of depression, irritability and some rumination on past episodes of depression and mild tiredness.  Basically I was feeling like 80% of my best self.  I told him I procrastinate and only make $5/ hr off my art.  I was kind of minimizing my successes.  I just graduated from art college, I'm building an impressive silversmithing studio, I actually made $900+ at a craft sale in December, and I do landscaping all summer for a good salary.  Anyways his suggestion flew in the face of everything I believe in and undermined my recovery to the point where it actually made me want to prove him wrong.

Im taking 2 antidepressants, wellbutrin and pristiq.  I take lamactal as a mood stabilizer.  Finaly because this combination of two antidepressants makes in hard to sleep, Im taking seroquel at increasingly higher doses.  Enough drugs to kill a horse as my mother might say.

He suggested I take 6 drugs to get to 100% human efficiency.  His theory is that if he contains what I would describe as mild hypomanic to non existent hypomanic symptoms as well as anxiety I will suffer with less depression.  A nice theory but highly improbable and a great recipe to end up on 5-10 drugs just to deal with all the side effects.  Than possibly if all goes well (which it never does) I can come off antidepressants.  I didn't even think I was an anxious person before our conservation.  I've been anxious  ever since though!

I have a huge resentment against psychiatry and their narrow focus on looking at their patients as a set of symptoms that somehow need correcting through harsh polypharmiceutical regimes.  Its dangerous and irresponsible, and the results may include becoming the walking dead or becoming impaired you crash your car. I understand severe cause may warrant this approach, but for me its not too cool.

There are many ways forward and his option is only one of them.  Its well documented that antidepressants cause hypomania.  Especially the combo I'm taking.  Sadly I do need to make my coping and relaxation skills second nature before I can even consider reducing my antidepressants.
Life is a journey not a destination.

My psychiatrist is one of the best bipolar specialist's in Calgary.  He did agree that we should revisit this issue in a month.  Leaving his office, I swore to myself I would do everything in my power to keep my depression at bay, one day at a time, for as many months as possible to prove I can make the 20% change I need to make instead of taking drugs.  I don't want to mask the irritability I feel about my career, I want to work on my career.  I don't want to mask my sadness about losing my Mom, as well as my sadness that I've adopted some of her less helpful traits such as self pity, resentment and being judgemental, I want to change.

So this Christmas, I'm going to give myself the gift of self acceptance, and stop looking at myself as a bipolar monster, a set of walking, breathing symptoms that needs to be medicated into normalcy.
I'm going to forgive my doctor, he's been at the front lines of an ugly war and my bipolar is pretty mild compared to what he's undoubtedly seen.  I still respect him and want to figure out the best combination of 2-3 drugs, but that will take years and adding more drugs will cause a bigger mess.

I also want to give myself the gift of recovery, and practice the principles I have written in my blog, so that I can continue the March of the Penguins.

So thank you Dr ***** you have given me one more reason to stand on my own two feet, and March Penguin, March.

Dealing with Depression: My Christmas Prayer for Everyone

Life never remains static.

Life is Change.

Unless your view of life

takes daily energy change into consideration,

you may become overwhelmed.

At the workplace

or at home

are many opportunities

that endanger or enhance your wellness.

You decide the outcome.

Your decision reflects

your attitude toward yourself.

As long as you are convinced

that you have the right 

to access and use

all the resources life constantly provides,

you can accept any occasion 

as an opportunity 

for 

growth.

Justin O'Brien, Ph.D.

I Love these words.  I found them in my mom's binder of uplifting sentiments, that she referenced when she was in the hospital for her stem cell transplant for Leukemia.  Even thought my Mother is gone, I'm so glad to have witnessed her bravery facing her illness.

She took a lot of suffering in stride and made the most of it, and that's what I want to do with my life.

I still experience symptoms of depression, irritability, tiredness, negativity and I tend to dwell on them and wonder if I'll relapse.  I've been staying ontop of this worrying, because I'm not in a depression so there's no point looking down the hole.  Everyday I grab onto what is good in my life and focus on those aspects.  I try to suspend worry and judgement of my moods until say 7-8 at night, when I can get a more balanced perspective.

It's not easy…I wish I could wake up symptom free.

And yet, maybe these symptoms are bearing a little gift.

They may be asking me to review my thoughts and attitudes towards myself and life in general.

Maybe these symptoms are my bodies way of telling me something important.

I am really interested in changing my attitude towards myself.  Admitting I don't know what the F*** I'm doing with my career, or whether I can be an asset for my Fiance's landscape company this summer.  That I did a B.F.A. and a B.A. and had a lot of magical thinking about how easy it would be for me to find my place in the world.  It's not easy. I haven't been able to tap into Calgary's Public Art network and continue to paint murals.  I probably make $5 an hour when I'm silversmithing or painting and I hate that.  I hate that I always assume that other people find these questions easier because the picked a more strait forward career.  I know that my gifts will eventually pay off, its a matter of perseverance and hard work to be an artist or a writer.  That's ok, but I need to adjust my expectations.

Maybe that's the same with depression.  It may take daily effort for quite awhile before healthy thinking patterns and behaviours become automatic.  Even than there's no guarantees.  But that's where faith and "one day at a time come into play."  I can wake up with mild symptoms of depression and be afraid, or I can be grateful that I'm feeling ok, and work with the energy I do have to make something beautiful out of that day.  Amen.

Self Love Destroys the Beast

Sometimes, depression feels like a blood thirsty monster, that feed on our insecurities, low self image and fear.  It's a cruel beast, that not only rewires our thinking, but seduces us into believing it's lies are true.  It tells people things like:

"You're unworthy of happiness."
"You did this to yourself, you're lazy."
"You're unworthy of the love of others"….etc…etc.

It's so full of SH*T, it's incredible.  Sometimes in the midst of a bout, it seems unrelenting, unbearable and insurmountable.  Its pretty understandable that so many of us curl up in bed, hoping that the monster will leave us alone for a few hours, while we try to get some sleep.  When depression is this full on, the best I can do is keep repeating things like:

"Its not me, it's my brain, depression is a real medical illness."
"I am not lazy, I am doing the best I can under this insufferable weight."
"Why don't I go do xyz and ignore these thoughts for awhile, knowing I am doing functional activities and that I will feel better than moping around feeding depression."

Even when I "keep on keeping on" during a depression, the beast has just as much energy to keep on jogging along side my best efforts.

So what does a person have to do anyways?

For me, my lifesaving grace, has been that little tiny glimmer of self esteem.  It's that resilience that can look at myself in the mirror during a depression, and acknowledge that I'm doing the best I can.  I still keep eating well, exercising, getting up before noon, and going out to get groceries, run errands etc. I don't feel like I can communicate or relate to others, but I silently endure the company of others at least a few times a week, even if in my mind I completely loathe this version of myself.  Most importantly, I can reach out to experts, doctors, naturopaths and psychologists etc, to figure out what I may be overlooking in my treatment plan.


Now that I'm on the other side, and experiencing a period of relative mental wellbeing, I can really see how deep I've let this beast take root.  I'm talking about something pretty serious, and that's 25 years or more of low self esteem, and the patterns and literal grooves in my neural circuitry I've created.


That's right I said it, my maladapted thoughts, starting at age 5,  gave rise to my depression. Sure there were situational factors, like failing kindergarden, getting bullied, struggling to form meaningful friendships as a youth, and bad parenting, that didn't recognize how F**CKED up I was getting, but it was my little brain that saw myself as a failure, a loser and a misfit.  Some might say, I had a biological predisposition for this as well…I think my parents where kinda moody and sometimes deeply troubled individuals.

My ray of hope? The love that has been imparted on me throughout my journey, by teachers, parents, friends, members of the community etc.  And that light inside my soul, that has always lit up when I recognized that all the good things people said about me where true.  Thats what needs feeding to destroy depression's chances at winning the battle for a meaningful existence.

That part of me that sees my own beauty and talents and light.  The part of me that screams:

I am good enough!

I am lovable!

I am one of God's creatures, no better or worse than anyone else!

I am a talented artist and writer,

I have a great sense of humour,

I am compassionate and can help myself and others to break their own self limiting thoughts and actions!

My art and activism career will pay off,  I will be self actualized, and the change the world needs!

I have a successful landscaping business!

My pain and suffering will be transformed!

I believe that no matter how fat your monster has gotten feeding on your self esteem, your light is greater! That's why you are still alive, and fighting! Find that tiny spark inside yourself, that still believes that you are a talented, a gift to the world and can be happy again and start to feed it…pretty soon self love will champion depression. I promise.

Holiday Reflections and Recovery Tools

Hey Fearless Penguins!

The holiday season can be pretty tough for anyone, all the (awkward) family get togethers, financial strain, unmet expectations etc.  Add mental health issues and all these frustrations can be magnified to the point where the whole season can seem unbearable. And yet, inspire of all this, I really like Christmas.  There is a warm communal sentiment that can be found away from all the frenzied box stores and rampant consumerism.

 Two years ago, I wasn't allowed to go over to my Mom's on Christmas Eve, because she had lymphoma and I was sick, and yet I found what my heart was seeking in the back of a church I'd never been to before.  A slightly wild looking teenage girl sat beside her very prim and proper mother and was drawing pot leaves, much to her mothers dismay.  I took out some drawing materials from the pew and drew her an angel.  In return, she graffitied the most beautiful words for me, "god gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers."  At that moment I knew we are all connected and I felt a sense of validation for all my struggles with my mother's illness and my mental health.  I really believe that "God" works through people and signs, and that sometimes, when we least expect it, we will see that a divine presence has been guiding us all along and honors the courage it takes to "fight" mental illness.

Speaking of "fighting' mental illness, I have a couple awesome tools in the video I've included.
I don't really like the idea of fighting it, but more  empowering ourselves through self understanding and compassion and learning to challenge or change our relationship with the parts of ourselves that we don't understand and that give us grief.  For me, I have a way better time understanding and getting to the root of some of my depressive symptoms if I take care of myself.  These time management and mood tracking strategies do a lot for me, and help me get the most out of my life.  Hope you enjoy, and can take even one grain of salt from these tools.

Recovery from Depression- A Journey not a Destination

As part of my journey of recovery from depression, I find the need for self reflection, and to transmute the sorrows I've experienced into some sort of wisdom for myself and others.  

Yesterday, I read a story of a beautiful young woman who was so upset with herself and with the cards life had handed her.  She had experienced the soul crushing weight of depression for two years and had finally found some reprieve, only to have her mood come crashing down on her again after only two weeks.

What a heartbreaking thing to have happen, and yet she is not alone in her fight for a decent life.  I hope that her brief remission is a sign things are starting to shift, because I believe that inspite of mental illness, joy is the birthright of all human beings.

All I can say is that recovery from depression tough road, but it 's much better for Penguins to march together, than to get stuck out in the subzero Antarctic wilderness alone. 

I am out of the throws of depression, and yet some symptoms remain.  I can either worry about them and drive myself downwards, or accept where I'm at and make small changes and see if some of the symptoms improve.  

This week I will consult with a naturopath about my diet.  As someone with a history of recurrent depression, I definitely want to rule out any dietary allergies to milk and gluten, as they are both inflammatory to the intestines and possibly the brain.  I also know my system is way to acidic, so I want to try to work on eating a more alkaline diet, and see if that helps.  I also know I have low blood sugar, and need to snack every 2-3 hours to keep my mood in check.

The second thing I need to work on is relaxation.  If I'm always hyped up or mildly stressed, I may be setting myself up for a future relapse, because I'm releasing cortisol, using up adrenal reserves etc. etc.  Is one thing to be mildly hypomanic for a short period of time and be creative or productive, and to be able to relax once I've finished a project, but its completely different when I ignore all the signs I'm on stress overload and push through anyways. I did this four months ago, only to end up in a 3 month slump.  Was it worth it?  I did get my drivers license after 4 stress inducing, self esteem crushing attempts, I did haggle with financial institutions for a mortgage for a first home, I did finish a business class, but NONE of those things was worth getting sick over.   I just pray I remember this when life starts taking on some momentum again.

Anyways…my point is, I've done a lot to get as far along as I have in understanding my illness, but there is always some fine tuning to do, and I'll never get it perfect.

Its only by accepting where I'm at, whether I'm hiding out in bed all day, having obsessive thoughts, or just mildly agitated, that I can make a change. Being down on myself for being a depressive doesn't make any sense.  Realizing its a disorder and doing small steps every day to get better does. I didn't choose this disorder, but one day at a time  I can start to regain some control over my life.

In one of my mom's final letters to me she wrote: "My hope is that some things can get easier for you in your life and more regulated."  I hope she can look down from heaven and see that her little Penguin is doing just fine.

 "And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."  AA Literature

Depression Relapse Prevention:10 years of personal experience...

"The female penguin marches on for 20 days without food or water in the cold Antarctic in search of the open ocean so that she can feed her chick.   The male penguins all huddle together in the harshest parts of winter without food or water, protecting their eggs and waiting for their partners return."

The lesson from my spirit animal is the importance of self regulation in terms of our energy levels in our daily lives and responding to them appropriately.  Penguins experience the low energy of their march to the sea, as well as waiting in the cold for food,  but they also enjoy the flip side, getting to the open water, having times of plenty of food and time to enjoy swimming etc.  I don't believe they get "depressed."  I believe they have adapted to their unique condition and situation.  SO must all of us who want a chance at recovery from mental illness.

Anyways, I'm writing tonight, at one of my lowest points this week.  And looking back at the last couple weeks I can see I was ignoring my bodies need for relaxation and some minor medical attention.
My jaw and back teeth hurt, I had canker sores, and acid in my stomach every morning. Wanting to prove to myself and the world I'm normal, and that I can function at a high level in our culture I self medicated, using advil for my pain and coffee to get through low energy points in the day.  I don't have dental insurance and was hoping the pain would pass…well its not, and I probably should just fork out the $500 it will cost to get a couple of teeth capped.


The problem is, while I'm not unique in my struggles, I am not and never will be normal.  For the rest of my life, one day at a time, I will have to do what I learned at a fancy treatment centre in Nanaimo and PUT MY RECOVERY FIRST.  THey told us that with addiction, "Anything we put ahead of our recovery would be the first thing we would lose."  That means for a multimillionaire, that if he puts his  company ahead of his abstinence program, that would be the first thing to go.  Or for codependants, putting another persons happiness or wellbeing first couldn't work either…That person would eventually leave, because the addict will get resentful, relapse and screw things up.

When it comes to depression the same principles are true.  While navel gazing and over analysing every symptom won't do any good, a general wellness and relapse prevention plan and some follow through are paramount to having any quality of life if your depression is serious or reoccurant.  The hope we must carry is that things can and will get better and easier over time.  No one said that was easy.

We are all individuals so how we go about these things may look slightly
different for everyone.

Remember, this is a Physical, Emotional, Mental and Spiritual disorder.

1) Routine- I've fought this one my whole life, with no success.
This means weekly planning and scheduling for all the important things in our lives.  It means getting up at a reasonable hour every day, latest 8-8:30, at least 5 days in a row so that we are in sync with our bodies natural circadian rhythms and the rest of humanity.

2)Sleep-Your brain is a wee bit broken if you have recurrent mental health issues.  Sleep is restorative and healing.  If you're not sleeping, your brain cannot process your day, and do bio chemical calibrations necessary for smooth sailing.  If you struggle with sleep, get on a regular schedule, exercise and go see your doctor for meds if necessary.

3)Nutrition, Supplements- Their is tons of info on the web about nutrition and depression.  This is a process, eating really well takes time, effort and research.  You're worth it.  Your brain will reward you with less depression.

4) Medications and treatments like RTMS…sometimes we need a kickstart to get ourselves going…the trouble is that in my experience, they do not always continue to be effective and have a ton of side effects…and little long term research...Still I believe they have their place in wellness but cannot stand alone….

5)Relaxation- This "disorder" is in your nervous system.. They used to call it "nervous exhaustion."  Makes sense to me. You "giver" to hard, your nervous system will reward you with depression so it can rest.  Pretty sucky if you ask me, because in my case I never know when an episode will end.
I'd rather take some time and try some form of relaxation daily, i.e. yoga, mediation, taking a bath, than keep getting bouts of depression.  Also mindfulness ideologies, we are not our thoughts or emotions, we are the "watcher" and can remain unattached and neutral instead of spiralling to high upward or downward.

6)Exercise- We are physical beings.  We were designed to move.  Its a great way to get endorphins going, and to move negative thoughts and energy out of our systems.  Just "walk it off" and repeat…at least 4 times a week for 30 minutes and you've got prozac beat as a depression cure.

7) Connection-You need friends or human contact.  When I was super depressed even reading blogs like Therese Borchard's Beyond Blue was a lifesaver, because I knew that other people were bravely facing their own private hell, and managing to make something beautiful out of their lives. Reaching out and offering support online to other people that struggle with depression is another great tool.
Its good to cultivate friendship's while feeling better, so you have someone who will watch a movie with you when you can't keep up a conversation.

*Whenever possible, I try to find someone to confide in, even just once daily, so that I can get it out of my head for a little while.

8)Gratitude- Telling the universe you see its positive work in your life can only bring up your vibration.  Asking the universe for help with things that are overwhelming is another great tool.  The trick is you have to do your part to improve the situation, and than stop working about it.  If your anxious mind keeps reintroducing the same problem (the loop scenario), set aside a specific time for worrying.  "Oh really mind you're troubled?  I see. Lets discuss this at 8 pm. I'm busy unlearning depressive thinking.

9) Some kind of cognitive behavioural therapy or theory being practiced daily-There are experts out there and resources online. If I listened to all the things my gremlins told me to do or think, I would be locked up, dead or utterly insane.  Just saying.

10) Making peace with grief in the past-our resentments, traumas and memories of our perceived inadequacies will only reinforce the negative feedback loop.  We need to forgive ourselves and others and see old hurts though the lens of forgiveness.

11) SELF LOVE
WE are all works in progress.
We all have unique gifts and the world is a better place because we exist to love and to share the journey of life together...
We need to nurture ourselves, remember good things about ourselves as children and honour our true essence, that is pure and joyful, under all the layers of pain…


Psalm 139:14New International Version (NIV)

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

12) One day at a time…If you think you're gonna be depressed forever, ya  might wanna give up…Remember, we humans can handle anything, good or bad…one day at a time, sometimes during the most painful moments one minute at a time.  Hold onto hope, there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

13) Never Ever Give Up…
There will be days when your best efforts will be to stay alive and stay in bed with the covers over your head…hoping you can sleep and that the depressive thoughts will leave for awhile.
You will forget some part of your wellness plan and feel depression tugging at your shoulders…..hopefully you can stand your ground and stay well.
It may take years to figure out what works for yourself…you are worth it….life will get easier….

Remember with recovery from anything it's

Progress not perfection that counts…2 steps forward…one step backward…you will gain traction on this disorder!

Are you a procrastinator?

Hello Penguins!

Thanks for all your positive comments and feedback on my last piece on Mental Wellness. Please show your support by liking it on Facebook, leaving comments, and sharing my blog with peeps you think might like it…Also there's a +1 bottom on google, but I'm not sure if you have to be a "googler" to use it…..

This video is about procrastination and mental health.  I am currently self employed and let me tell you I find a lot of good ways to waste time.  I usually justify my behaviour to myself, but spending $100 a day at the mall is not market research.  Thats not to say we don't need downtime either, our culture is way to frantic and that takes a pretty hard toll on the nervous system as well.

That being said, there's a lot I want out of life, and I don't want my bipolar, adhd, addictive tendencies to steal my chances at being successful as an artist, and helping my fiance Sean with our landscaping company.   I'm only at the first stage, were you admit to yourself you have a problem….So further posts will be on strategies I find to get abit more productivity out of myself and stop spinning in circles.

Warning: I swear at least 3 times in this video so if you get easily offended by course language, don't watch this.

Mental Wellness not Mental Illness

Tonight I've got a little angst or edginess to my personality so I gotta express a few opinions on the subject of "mental health" and "mental health practitioners."  I'll start off by saying that I think most counsellors, doctors etc probably mean well.  But thats all the credit they're getting right now.  Also, these are just my opinions so don't get offended.

I think that looking at DSM5? 6? as the holy bible of mental health is stupid. I also think that clinicians that blindly follow its guidelines and prescribe medications for disorders without getting to know a person and their back story are narrow minded.  This is how people end up on a cocktail of 7-10 psych meds without really getting better.  Maybe their doctor should tell them to modify their behaviour and get up in the morning instead of sleeping all day and taking more drugs so they can sleep at night.  Just saying'

So I'll throw this out there…Maybe schizophrenics are un-trained psychics, alcoholics are mis-guided mystics and bipolars are artists that have a wider spectrum of emotions to draw from when creating art.

To me mental illness is when any of the above get out of control, and the person cannot function and take care of themselves, i.e. running naked in the street, sleeping and crying all day etc. etc. Sometimes medicine is vital.  But the shameful labelling is not. 

The problem with labelling is that it is only one side of the coin.  Most people labeled are actually brilliant and spiritually gifted, but some do not see their worth and end up on the streets, stuck in addiction, or overmedicated with low self image.

So I think that I'm going to shed the shameful label of "Bipolar Disorder" and replace it with "Bipolar Condition." All that it means is that I have a wider range of emotions and need to constantly work towards finding balance and not getting stuck in either extreme.   I can do this my asking my "higher power" or "higher self," that part of me that is connected to the universal consciousness and knows my destiny,  for constant guidance so I can stay on my surfboard when riding slightly higher highs and lower lows than the average person.  I can learn self care, learn to regulate my thoughts and emotions, and slowly heal my nervous system by learning to stay calm and collected as much as possible.

So today I ask anyone that is hurt by labels to turn the tables on their diagnosis and focus on the upside.  Learn how to manage their condition, one day at a time, so that they can enjoy all the positive attributes that people with mental health conditions possess.

I believe that each and every one of us was created with a different set of gifts and challenges to deal with in this lifetime and the key is to make the most of what you've been given.  Spending everyday thinking there's something wrong with yourself because of a label is one of the saddest things a person can do to themselves.  Accepting you have a "condition" and choosing to get help and live well inspite of hardship is the highest road you can travel.

http://www.courierpress.com/gleaner/columnists/billy-edwards/god-made-each-us-unique-masterpiecess

Dealing with Stress-Part 2

This video addresses the fact that our thoughts trigger stress responses in our bodies and the importance of learning new coping skills and thought patterns in the face of our depressive thinking because the fight or flight response is hard on our nervous system and can aggregate depression.  Research in neuroplasticity is pointing the way to new frontiers in psychiatry, because our brain is capable of healing itself quite abit from mental illness.  We can retrain our brain and nervous system so that our depression becomes more manageable.  I intend on practicing the principles I'm discussing in the video and I will repost on the changes I'm experiencing….

Dealing with Stress! Part 1

Recovery from depression can feel like a daily battle.  In this video, I identify some of the triggers I have, both internal and external.  I really believe that inspite of the fact depression is a serious illness, we can do a lot to help ourselves, but it takes a ton of hard work and discipline to change our thoughts, attitudes and dispositions.  Our negative thoughts literally stress us out and I'm slowly learning new ways to deal with them, because letting ourselves worry will literally make us sick, emotionally and physically.  I'm not saying this is easy, but the reward is peace of mind and sanity, which for someone who has suffered with depression is a goldmine.

How my amazing cat helps me everyday….

This video is dedicated to all our little furry friends and their role in dealing with the ups and downs of life.  There is definitely research to back up the therapeutic role of pets,
http://www.helpguide.org/articles/emotional-health/the-health-benefits-of-pets.htm
but I'm pretty sure that "God" made pets to show us how to love each other and ourselves unconditionally.  When I was so depressed I needed to stay in bed all day, my last cat Zeus decided he would do the same….very supportive of me I think!

Fish Birds!

Here is a summary of the film March of the Penguins….

March of the Penguins: Mountain Meditation-Mindfulness

March of the Penguins: Mountain Meditation-Mindfulness: So I really like this mindfulness mediation, because the essence of the mountain, like our core self, remains fundamentally unchanged.  It w...

Penguins Love To March! Video Blog on Exercise

Hello!
I was inspired to make this video after enjoying a yoga class and a short run this morning.  In my journey through life and mental illness, I've often found some of the best times for clearing my mind have been while walking, running or swimming.  It seems like movement shakes off some of the negativity or agitation I may be experiencing.

Even at my lowest times, I still find exercise helps me to just keep going, doing the next right thing, even if the depression tells there's no point, or that its meaningless to keep trying.  At least the act of moderate exercise gives me the clarity to say, hey, why don't I do the dishes or do a little work in my studio, even if I don't feel great.

On the flip side, If I'm anxious or a little to elevated, exercise helps me to get calm, and focus my racing thoughts.  I usually find some people and some answers to how to move on with my day.

Penguins are always on the go, whether fishing and playing, making the trek to the sea for food, or the trek to their mate and offspring.  They travel countless miles, in the coldest conditions, without having eaten anything for months.  They also have abundant times where they get to eat to their hearts desire.
The point is, they keep walking, through highs and lows and that's what I want to encourage everyone, (including myself) to do: just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and doing the next right thing for their wellbeing.  I'm off to walk around a frozen lake in Canada, and I'm sure I'll see some fellow Penguins marching around to keep those endorphins going!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1KYwWVpdL6w&feature=youtu.be

Mountain Meditation-Mindfulness

So I really like this mindfulness mediation, because the essence of the mountain, like our core self, remains fundamentally unchanged.  It weathers harsh storms, overcast skies, but also experiences wildflowers in the spring.  It doesn't judge all these changes or take them personally.  This is good insight for anyone experiences depression, bipolar, or life in general!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6xdagnHcEjU&feature=share

Video #1 Shamanism and depression-Meditation on Water...

I've always felt calmer near water.  It nourishes our bodies and soothes the soul.  Its great to watch rivers and lakes, the ripples and waves, the sun dancing across the surface, the deep reflections of trees and even moonlight on its surface.  It's mysterious and yet an innate part of our experience as human beings.  Water is always going through transformation, and can change states, from ice, to water, to steam and back again.  It can be a gentle force like in a kids wading pool or create great havoc through ocean tsunamis.  But it it always its essential self and can return to stillness.

Meditation Station!

My Spiritual Centering Spaces….

Here I have a picture of My Altar to the things that nurture my spirit. Family Photos, Prayers, Kind Words, Pictures of My Inner Child, Representations of Mary Guadalupe, the Tree of life, candles, crystals etc. etc. This is so important to have a space to reflect on all that is good in life.  And as for the bad?  I put it in the hands of God, and allow the creative spirit of the universe to take from me what I cannot handle….Namaste!

My Living Room

Louise Hay, How to love Yourself

1)   Stop all Criticism: Criticism never changes a thing.  Refuse to criticize yourself.  Accept yourself exactly as you are.  Everybody changes.  When you criticize yourself, your changes are negative.  When you approve of yourself, your changes are positive.

2)   Don't scare yourself-Stop terrorizing yourself with your thoughts.  Find a mental image that gives you pleasure and immediately switch your thoughts to pleasant ones.

3)   Be Gentle, Kind and Patient-treat yourself with patience, gentleness and kindness.  Treat yourself as you would someone whom you loved.

4)   Be kind to your mind-Self-hatred is only hating your own thoughts.  Gently change your thoughts to more positive ones.

5)   Praise Yourself-Criticism breaks down the inner spirit.  Praise builds it.  Tell yourself how well you are doing with everything.

6)   Support Yourself-Reach out to friends and allow them to help you.  It is being strong to ask for help when you need it the most.

7)   Love to your Negatives-Acknowledge that you created them for a need.  Now you are finding new positive ways to fulfill those needs.  Release the old patterns.

8)   Take care of your body-Learn about nutrition.  What does your body need to have the optimum energy and vitality.  Learn about exercise.  Cherish the temple you live in.

9)   Mirror work-Look into your eyes often.  Express the growing sense of love you feel for yourself.  Forgive yourself for all as you look in the mirror.  Once a day, say "I love you" to yourself in the mirror.

10)                  DO it now- Don't wait till you get well, lose weight or get a new job.  Begin now, do the best you can.

Self Care

Self Care….

1)        Personal Care: clean space, clean clothes, time for personal grooming. Enjoy the process and take pride in the results.

2)       Eating Well: Taking time for groceries, meal planning, learning about nutrition.

3)       Exercise: Running is a good foundation, be creative, varied.  3-4 times a week, 30 min.

4)       Expect and look for positive outside help when necessary.

5)       Contact with others.  Love and be loved.

6)       Watch negative thinking , don't identify with it, gently change the thought.  Learn more about maintaining positive mind frames. Become aware of negative thinking styles, ie being judgemental, maximizing, perfectionism…..

7)       Boundries:  stand up for myself and if not possible, debrief situation later.

8)       Honour my own feelings, (and those of others) and talk about them.

Mindful acceptance: A way of approaching life in which you acknowledge and feel your struggles and pain without judging, avoiding or getting lost in them.  Instead you face your fears and sorrows with compassion, patience and curiousity.

Art for Mental Wellness